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I did a post around what approach you might want to consider , however now I feel it's time to address the actual person sitting with you as the therapist. The process of finding the 'right' therapist for you is detailed below and mostly relates to searching for a therapist in private practice. Generally, going through the NHS or charities may mean you don't have as much choice with who you're lined up with - though you always have the right to ask for someone else if you're uncomfortable in any way! I've had this talk often with people from different areas of my life, around how to choose your therapist, and I don't think there's an easy answer, however there are a few things that you can take into consideration when looking for a therapist/counsellor/psychotherapist. The searching process Searching for a therapist is difficult within itself when you're feeling in a vulnerable or overwhelmed state especially when there are so many places you could look and when it isn't a regulated profession. Counsellors Together UK have put together this useful document explaining how best to find a therapist who is qualified, trained, and being held to standards according to the Professional Standards Authority to keep yourself as safe as possible. The main thing to look for is that your counsellor is qualified and has done training. It is not a requirement to be part of a professional body, however if a therapist is a member of one this means they have had to complete a certain amount of training and gain experience to be part of the body. From here most research has found that the relationship with your therapist is the most important thing for a positive outcome in therapy, so finding someone who you feel comfortable with, able to disclose your vulnerabilities, and someone you trust is important, but this does mean that the search for a therapist can be tricky! It can be worth having a few people you want to contact as you may not always get in with your 'first choice' due to availability, finances, their preferences/experiences for working, and other reasons. If you don't manage to start working with your initial choice please don't take this as a personal knock - there will be someone out there that you can find to work with you and fit; it is difficult and it can feel overwhelming, but you are not alone in this and many therapists will offer details of colleagues they think might be suitable or have availability (don't be afraid to ask on this either!). My advice would be to think about what you want from a therapist before your search to make it a little easier i.e., are you looking for a friendly face? does age matter? does gender matter to you? is the language someone uses/ the way someone talks important? Then ask yourself why these things matter to you and are you willing to push out of your comfort zones or are they a need? From here you can get a sense of what some keywords you want to filter your search out with might be whether this is how the therapist works or what you're looking to work on e.g. anxiety, depression, PTSD, LGBTQ, ENM etc. The assessment/consultation/initial talk: As I explain in my FAQ's - "The consultation gives us chance to talk through what it is you would want from counselling and look at our expectations. We will go through our contract with each other and look at if we feel comfortable to work with each other going forward. The relationship within counselling is important for effective counselling to take place. The consultation is an opportunity to get a sense of if I am someone you feel you will be able to trust and work alongside you in your journey." When someone contacts myself, I will book in a consultation (described below) and outline what's involved in that. I also send over my contract in advance so that prospective clients get a better understanding of what my expectations are going forward. I also go through this contract in the consultation to make sure any questions or concerns are addressed. However, this is how I do my consultations and other therapists might have a different approach; the main thing to be aware of is that we are wanting to gain an understanding of what it is you're looking for from us as well as what you're wanting to explore. Saying all of this - consultations/assessments/initial contact is also for you, you are the one looking for a therapist that you want to connect to and so this is your time to check out things you have in mind such as: What's their experience? - Maybe you're wanting to look at a complex disorder that you feel needs experience behind it, maybe you're happy with someone newly qualified for general support in life, maybe it's somewhere in the middle. This question is useful to gauge how comfortable you might feel down the line with your counsellor. How do they work? what's their process and approach? - I outline my approach here , but you may not have this information readily available so it is always a good idea to ask how your therapist might work with you in general terms and even how they might work with you in relation to what you're bringing. It can also be useful to then look at how sessions might work i.e., how long are they, are they the same time each week or is there flexibility, how much do they charge and is there any negotiating around that, is there a certain structure to the sessions, what would ending sessions look like etc. Anything in the contracting you're unsure of? - do you have any questions about what is expected of you or your therapist. Have they covered what they'd do in a safeguarding situation? Have they talked about confidentiality and cancellations? Any concerns you may have about therapy in general or that's come up in the session? - If you've had therapy before maybe you have an idea of what you don't want from the therapist now this is a chance to talk about this and check this out. Maybe you've not had therapy before and so you have concerns around what it might be like in terms of emotions, feelings, talking things through... this is also a good chance to voice this and look at how your therapist might support you through the difficult emotions. Their experience of personal therapy - this is often a course requirement when training but not always, so it may be important to you that your therapist understands what it's like to be sat in the client’s chair and experience the vulnerability that comes with it. and whatever else may come to mind for you.... These posts also outline things to think about when talking to your therapist initially: https://lgbtcouplecounselling.co.uk/faq/how-to-choose-your-counsellor/ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/what-happens-in-therapy/ So how do you know who's 'right' for you? Back to the question at hand, how do you know who's right for you?.... well, unfortunately that's only really something that you'll be able to notice for yourself, but I will leave you with some closing points that might be helpful in your search. Some people might look for someone who has the same experiences as themselves as they feel this will be more relatable and comfortable, whilst this can be true, therapist try not to assume what your lived experience is i.e. you've been through bullying and so want a counsellor who has also been through bullying to feel comfortable, although you've been through the same situation your experience of the situation may be completely different. Maybe you didn't have any other support around you, you were depressed, maybe you harmed yourself, amongst other things leading to an overwhelmingly negative experience. But then your counsellor was able to find support in the situation and work through the trauma at the time resolving a lot of the negative experience allowing them to cope in a more manageable way. Relatability is amazing, it can help with empathy and understanding, but too much similarity can bring on assumed experience that may be harmful down the line as it's not your lived experience. Take some time after your initial meeting to reflect on the situation and assess how you're left feeling. Try noting it down by freewriting your thoughts and feelings, come back to this in a few hours/the next day, and see if those thoughts and feelings still sit the same. This can be a great indicator into how you might feel after your sessions. Listen to your body! Knowing about how sessions would end is a good thing to know. Personally, I ask for 2 weeks’ notice (2 sessions) to round off the work and experience a managed ending in a way that might not have always been possible in life before which is great for mid-long-term work. Alternatively, if someone isn't too sure on therapy being for them, I do suggest that 6 sessions be the minimum to allow for some of the process to take place. My point? if you don't feel comfortable in the first few sessions listen to what is going on for you, what is it that feels uncomfortable? If possible, it's good to talk to the therapist about this in the next session as sometimes working through that can be an amazing piece of work too. If you're still feeling uncomfortable and nothing is resolved, then it is worth reassessing if this therapist is 'right for you'. Finally, if you're comfortable with your therapist but still unsure if they're 'right for you' after everything, could it be that someone is right 'for now'? Maybe they have the experience, qualifications, general demeanour you're looking for and you feel you can get on with them for what you're bringing to therapy - it could be that they're the right person for that specific thing, but then you can move onto someone else further down the line. I have had clients who I've worked with for a few months where I have held them where they are, looking at day to day management which they found helpful, however they then wanted to investigate a diagnosis and ongoing specific treatment that they felt would be better found elsewhere or through a service - this is absolutely your right to do! I hope you've found this article useful and do get in touch if you have questions or want to look into sessions. Directories that may be useful in your search: Free/low cost therapists - https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/find-an-therapist/ GSRD Therapists - http://www.pinktherapy.com/en-gb/findatherapist.aspx Gendered Intelligence directory - https://genderedintelligence.co.uk/professionals/therapists-and-counsellors/directory.html Therapy for Black Girls - https://providers.therapyforblackgirls.com/ National Counselling Society - https://nationalcounsellingsociety.org/counselling-directory BACP - https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists Counselling Directory - https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ Psychology Today - https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling

You might be asking yourself "what is email therapy?" and "how does it work?". This blog post will go through all of this from start to finish - this is how I have set up my own practice, other people may have a different way of working so it is always good to check this out. What is email therapy? Email therapy is a form of written text based therapy. It is asynchronous in its delivery which means that there is a time delay in sending your email with what you're looking to explore and then receiving your therapists response. Email therapy has many pros and cons, similar to other types of therapy: Pros Cons Flexibility - allowing for time to write the email before the "deadline" so can fit around changeable commitments rather than leading to cancelations or needing to postpone. This is particularly useful for those with shift work or those of use with disabilities or chronic illnesses that may be unpredictable in how they impact us on a day to day basis. No immediate response - if you're in a moment of distress with a situation you won't be in your therapists presence to guide you through that in the moment, but instead will have to wait. Time to reflect and form a response - you will get your therapists email and have time to reflect on the words before writing your next sessions content. This can be useful for neurodivergent or anxious individuals who might want to take time over their choice of words. This can be a negative for some people. May not feel comfortable or safe - As above, you may be left with some difficult feelings to navigate with only written text rather than the physical or vocal presence of someone which can feel unsafe or uncomfortable for some people. Doesn't rely on physical appearance or vocal cues - there is an element of anonymity with email therapy where you do not need to rely or be perceived by your physical and vocal facets, e.g. for trans individuals with dysphoria this can be liberating to not have to present in any type of way but instead just focus on the words they want to express themselves. Word limit might feel constrictive - most therapists will have a word limit on emails to allow for enough time to process and reflect. We will still allocate our time to these sessions akin to video, phone, or face-to-face. And so the word limit allows for a therapist and client to keep some time boundary on the sessions. Chance for equal exchanges - Due to the exchange being email where client will send and therapist will respond, there is a much more equal chance of response, whereas with video, phone, or face-to-face therapy there can be a risk of the client or therapist taking up majority of the space to talk. Can be miscommunications in reference to tone and meaning - as with any text based communication, tone and meaning tends to be inferred and this can lead to misunderstanding and miscommunication. This absolutely can be worked through in sessions, but it needs both therapist and client to be able to keep this awareness when reading, reflecting, and replying. How does it work practically? Your therapist will have their own way of working and will hopefully outline this in a contract or with some form of guidance. But the basics are: You will set up a secure email address to use for your therapy exchanges - your therapist will also have theirs set up. You will then have a day & time for each week to send your email by. You can write the email at any time in the space between your day/time and your therapists last response, but you send your email by the agreed day/time. If you don't manage to send your email in time, this would be a missed session, and your therapist may not reply to you due to having time allocated for other clients and downtime. My process is to manage this on a case by case basis. If you go over your word limit, your therapist may only respond to what they are able to in their allocated time. My word limit for emails is 750 words as on average, with reflection, this will fill a 50 min time slot similar to my other video and phone clients. Your therapist will then outline when they will send their reply - my framework is within 48 working hours of your set day & time. If you're unable to take time for a session in a week then you should still email your therapist to let them know you won't "make" the session that week. I still have expectations outlined around being in a quiet and confidential space for when you are reading and replying to emails, confidentiality still being respected, what happens in terms of late/missed sessions, when payments are to be made by etc. and so I still require potential clients to have a consultation with myself to go through the contract, what they're looking for from therapy, and if they have any questions. I do offer these through a one-off video/phone consultation or it can be done via the chat function in the Google Meet session so that we are talking in immediate responses. How does it end? I ask for 2 weeks notice for sessions to end regardless of the medium we are meeting in. I do this as it gives us a chance to round off the work we have been doing and allow a chance for a positive ending experience (hopefully!). Summary Email therapy hasn't had a massive amount of research done into it yet as with other modes of e-therapy, they are in their infancy. However, the research that has taken place has found that email therapy can be just as effective in creating a therapeutic relationship and having positive outcomes in therapy as face-to-face therapy. It can allow a safe space for clients to write out their emotions, feelings, experiences, and situations they have gone through and are going through, it allows clients to feel heard and build a therapeutic relationship with the therapist too. My Experience: I have worked with many organisations in text-based support. A lot of the time this has been live text based support where there is chance for immediate responses. I joined the Samaritan' s as a Listening Volunteer back in my first year of University which gave me intense training and experience in phone call support but also email support, which was asynchronous support. I later had the honour of working with The Mix , in their Counselling Team where I offered therapy via phone call and live text based support, where I was able to build therapeutic relationships with individuals offering a fairly solution focused approach within 4-8 sessions. I also worked with GriefChat and BIMM offering live text based support on a one-off basis, dealing with immediate distress and situations. So how can I help? All of this work has given me experience in building therapeutic relationships with individuals via written text, to hold a safe space for you as the client to share, explore, process, and reflect on what's going on for you. It can be amazing at how quickly text based support feels safe and gives the ability to put into words something you don't feel able to say out loud. You are able to take your time in typing out what is going on for you, in a process of bringing the internal, from your head, through your body to the external, in typing the words out and sending them off. As mentioned above in the post this can be especially helpful for individuals struggling to present a certain way, and so it can take the pressure off your physical expression and allow focus to the situation and feelings. I work with identity mostly - this means I am GSRD (Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity) affirming, fat-affirming, Neurodivergence affirming, and disability & chronic illness affirming too. I want to work with YOU, you as a whole on who you are in this world, the relationship to your self, and then how this influences your experience in this life. You can find out more about me and how I work via the highlighted links. Thinking of trying it? Complete this form and I will be in touch with the next steps. You can also check out my FAQ's and If you're still left with questions get in touch with me via info@emilyduffytherapy.co.uk

Before going into this post, I think it's important to acknowledge that if a relationship is between consenting adults, then it is valid in whatever form that takes. This post isn't to say that monogamy or ethical/consensual non-monogamy are right or wrong in whatever way but is about gaining an understanding of the different types of ENM relationships there are and supporting those who are curious. What is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)? Ethical Non-Monogamy (or Consensual Non-Monogamy) is an umbrella term to cover all different relationship types that don't conform to westernised monogamous relationship style i.e., relationships can be between multiple people to varying degrees, rather than being an exclusive couple (2 people in a relationship with only each other). Types of ethical non monogamous relationships: Open relationships - where a relationship has the guideline that dating, sexual contact, and/or romantic contact can happen outside of the primary relationship i.e., being open to other relationships. This can be true of one or all individuals in the relationship e.g., one person may be monogamous, but the other is polyamorous and open to other partners. Swinging - Where people in a relationship are primarily open to sexual experiences through parties, events, or exchanging partners with another couple. Swinging is often planned and seen as event based rather than being open all the time. Relationship anarchy - where there are no set guidelines on what the relationship is other than what is agreed between each partner. Taking the relationships out of the set constructs allowing there to be no expectations of what the relationship will be/where it will go. Polyamory - being open to having multiple relationships at the same time. This can be where there is no set hierarchy, or it can be where couples have a primary relationship which they date outside of. Polyamorous relationships can also be a mix of romantic or sexual relationships. Polyfidelity - where members in a polyamorous relationship will not date, have romantic partners or sexual partners outside of the members in the current relationship e.g., three people in a relationship making a triad and being committed solely to each other. Monogamish - where a monogamous couple will occasionally open their relationship under certain circumstances as agreed with each other. E.g. 'hall pass' idea, going to a sex club together etc. Myths about ENM relationships: "ENM is just an excuse to cheat" - this is one of the common myths that comes up when talking about most ENM relationships. There's a significant difference between polyamory and cheating... Cheating is a deception and break in trust between partners which can happen in any type of relationship. Polyamory is agreed relationships between partners which is open and honest, and where boundaries are respected. Cheating can still happen in Polyamorous relationships when someone is dishonest about their actions or hide relationships. Cheating will be classed as different things in different relationships as it's dependant on the boundaries you feel outline your relationship e.g. for some watching porn alone is considered cheating whereas for others this is okay within their relationship. "ENM is just people addicted to sex" - is actually really offensive and very presumptuous. Just because someone has multiple partners doesn't necessarily mean they are having sexual relations with all of them. Relationships in ENM can be purely romantic in a non-sexual form. This myth can be dismissive of individuals on the ace spectrum who may not want sexual relationships. "Told you it wouldn't work" or "it's not sustainable" - This isn't helpful to tell anyone let alone it be true. Just think of how many marriages end in divorce, or how many relationships break up. Just because someone is in more than one relationship doesn't necessarily mean it won't work for any other reason than in monogamous relationships. "You're just filling a void", "one partner is all you need", or "you're just with the wrong person" - again these are very misguided comments made to individuals in ENM relationships. We all have different needs; however we are responsible for our own needs. If someone meets them that's amazing, but it is not their responsibility! As Esther Perel has once said - "Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So, we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide." More likely to contract STDs - This is actually quite the opposite for individuals who are conscientious about their own health and their partners. Many individuals in ENM relationships will have frequent STD checks as well as using contraception to minimise risk where possible. As with monogamy and the initial phases of dating, this is a very individual thing and will depend on the person you are dating. Engaging in ENM means you don't value anyone or is a form of avoiding intimacy i.e. "you're just bored", "so you can't commit to X then?" - If anything, engaging in ENM is an expansion of intimacy and commitment to multiple people. Having more than one relationship doesn't take away from the other relationship, it is just a parallel relationship. Each relationship will differ between each individual, there will be different needs, expectations, and boundaries for the relationships. ENM relationships take ALOT of communication (& scheduling) to make sure everyone involved is happy with the relationship and where it's going. There will always be people who don't hold value to others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or in an ENM relationship. The obstacles and difficulties you may face with ENM? Jealousy - Understandably jealousy is a massive factor in why a lot of people don't explore ENM relationships even if they're curious. It is seen as an awful or 'wrong' emotion to have; however, jealousy is a chance to look inward and assess what is going on for you. Quite often jealousy is fear and comparison based e.g. "what if they love X more than me?", "What if they leave me for X?", "they're out having fun and I'm stuck here" etc. Jealousy is a completely natural & human emotion which is trying to tell us something that we need to take note of - maybe you're feeling like your needs aren't being met - if so it's a chance to reflect on what it is you do need and how you can overcome that. Opening up from a monogamous relationship - this can be a real challenge and some people find it to feel quite threatening even though they want to be ENM. There is a lot to navigate and will bring up a lot of emotions (not all bad). As with jealousy, you may feel upset, elated, joyous, angry, anxious, excited, invigorated, scared etc. all of which have their place and will help guide you in the process to work out your boundaries and what you are comfortable with. The fantasy of ENM doesn't always match the reality so it is good to try and manage your expectations from the start and really talk with your partner about how it might look and what you're feeling at each step. Some people find having relationship counselling or individual counselling at this stage really useful as opening up a relationship does take a lot of talking and internal reflection as well as communication with your partner on where you both stand. Rejection from support network - A big thing I deal with, with clients, and that I hear a lot of in the community is "I can't tell my family/friends about this as they will reject me or won't understand". This is a very individual and personal experience; we can never predict how someone is going to react to what we tell them so we need to look at what we can control. It is worth thinking about what you want out of your life and then whether this feels achievable. Whatever your relationship looks like, you need to consider what is right for you within that. There are many people who are completely open with being in ENM relationships, on the same spin there are many who only tell a select few about their relationships for fear of judgement and to protect themselves but this works for them, so long as you're open with your partner about where you stand on this! Dating - Dating is a big draw back for many people as they may have had a bad experience in the past. Dating can feel daunting at the best of times, let alone when you're putting yourself out there as someone who is in ENM relationship(s). There are plenty of success stories though from dating sites when disclosing your relationship status (Okay Cupid being one of the better ones currently). Similarly, to the above, it's worth thinking about what you want out of dating people, if you have the time, and if you want to be on dating sites. Stereotypes & misunderstanding in dating - There can be unfortunate misunderstandings within ENM dating - I've heard of people connecting with someone on a dating app and meeting only to be told they don't want anything other than a monogamous relationship - even though ENM was highlighted in their dating profile. It can be difficult for people disclosing both their sexuality and ENM status on dating sites (and in general) e.g. bi men will often be stereotyped as wanting to cheat on their partner, bi women can often be targeted by couples wanting a threesome etc. Unicorn hunting - This is very much frowned upon in the polyam community as it can be done in a harmful way. Unicorn hunting is where a couple is looking for a third person to join their relationship in a sexual way. Now, this can be done in an ethical & boundaried way where all people involved have a say and are treated equally, however there are also a lot of couples that do this whereby they are looking for essentially a 'sex object' where the third's feelings/wants/needs aren't considered, and this is where the community has an issue. Communication & boundaries - All relationships need to have communication in order to function at a base level. When looking at ENM relationships and communication this is so important to make sure everyone involved are on the same page, aware of their expectations, needs, boundaries, wants etc. Communication in this way isn't a one and done thing, it is a constant ongoing process that takes time, energy and attention. It will also need revisiting often in terms of boundaries where more partners are added to the relationships. Energy levels - it can be a case of jumping all in when starting ENM relationships, so it's good to take a step back and check in with yourself where your energy levels are and how much you can dedicate to another person. Within polyamory there is a term of being 'polysaturated' and this is where you have reached your limit of how many partners you can dedicate time and energy to. This will vary for each person, and it can even be true for those that are single as maybe you're dealing with a lot outside of relationships that is taking most of your energy! Being a 'newbie' within the community - A difficult and frustrating thing that can be found is a resistance from 'veteran'/'experienced' ENM individuals when looking to date or even offer guidance on relationships. This can be quite isolating and off-putting to a lot of people who are curious about ENM but not sure how to navigate it all. To any experienced ENM individuals out there reading this & who have the energy to do so, please try and include newbies into discussions and the community - you may just learn something from them too. Reminding everyone that ALL relationships are different, and just because you're new to having multiple relationships or an open relationship to some extent doesn't mean that you don't have an idea of what is involved or what is expected of you. Everyone's experiences are valid and hold meaning. Societal stigma - There is a negative stigma attached to non-monogamy in westernised societies due to the myths & stereotyping mentioned before. Stigma can unfortunately cause feelings of shame in those of us who hold value in others' opinions, so this is a big thing to take into consideration as it can bring up some difficult conversations and reflection on your self-worth and self-view. There is a societal view that a 'successful' relationship ends in marriage (of which our society sees as a pairing of 2 people) so it can take a lot to 'go against' this quite traditional standpoint especially if you don't know anyone else in an ENM relationship. It’s likely that this mislabelling of non-monogamous individuals comes from a lack of understanding of how these relationships function, as clearly, there is no basis for it." From - https://www.attachmentproject.com/enm/ Roots of ENM & roots of Monogamy? There is still so much ongoing research around past societies, how monogamy came about and where ENM fit within all of it too. It seems like for as long as there has been some form of monogamous standing in society there has also been ENM standing too. There are many theories as to why monogamy has become the 'norm' in our society, especially over the last 1000 years; this is a lot to do with economic advantages, religious influence, as well as procreation and offspring upbringing. There is also a heavy influence from romantic views, in modern society, that we have 'one true love', our 'other half', our 'soul mate' being out there and that our life is not complete without finding that person. This way of being is put on us from the very beginning of life with stories, movies, TV shows, and books; yet if we were to lose our partner, for whatever reason, many go on to find another partner and fall in love again. Recent studies have found that 1 in 5 people have experienced an ENM relationship at some point in their life and so it is clear that there is some draw to ENM relationships. This video explains it all really well and gives a broad overview of ENM in history - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgOZ4eNFWnQ However, asking the question whether monogamy/ENM relationships are 'natural' or 'normal' is complicated in itself as who is to say what is normal for all of humanity? More articles around the evolution of relationships/partner structures: https://getmaude.com/blogs/themaudern/brief-history-non-monogamy https://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2015/may/19/equality-and-polyamory-why-early-humans-werent-the-flintstones https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full Advice from the polyam community for those wanting to try an ENM relationship? "ENM for me is about not placing arbitrary restrictions on people I'm in a relationship with. Knowing that the quality of my relationship is not impacted by their other relationships. We have multiple friends, why not more than one intimate partner?" "Education! Read books, join help groups, talk to people with experience. Remember that a relationship can be whatever the people in the relationship chose it to be. So it's imperative that there's clear and constant communication." "I found having a supportive community around me of people in ENM relationships was super helpful, to be able to draw off of others' experiences, and understand more about how other people's relationships work." "It's not always an easy process, but each interaction is a chance to learn more about your current relationship and yourself. I you're willing to work through feelings that comes up and are patient with yourself, and your partners, ENM can be rewarding; but also know it's okay if doesn't work out for you" My advice: Do some reading around to get an informed view of what it is you're going into and think about what your boundaries might be. Reflect on what it is you're wanting and whys - what are you hoping to get out of it? what does it mean for you? why do you want to explore ENM? Why now? Take some time to look at yourself, how you express your emotions, and how you communicate - you will need to be able to do this for any relationship - and so it's important to get to grips with being open in this way. Weigh up your pros and cons (these will be different for everybody) for opening up to ENM relationships. Pros for ENM might be: 'compersion', freedom to live your life in the way you want, building the trust in relationships, feeling more fulfilled. Cons might be: Takes up time to schedule, takes up energy to communicate with multiple partners, jealousy, stigma, logistics of living & upbringing of children etc. Only you will know what feels right for you in your relationship. When bringing up ENM when in a monogamous relationship - have an idea of why you're bringing it up and what you want out of it, make sure to create a space where you listen to their side too. It is never going to be an easy conversation but as mentioned before we can't predict or control someone else's reactions. It might be worth writing down what it is you want to say and express, what it means for you, what you want out of it, offer reassurance if you're hoping to continue your current relationship, address ideas around boundaries and leave space for them to talk to. It will often be the case that this conversation is something you come back to a few times (and frequently after that) to allow for internal processing once you have an idea of how your partner has reacted and what it means to them. Be aware that you may be met with anger as it may feel like you're saying that they can't fulfil your needs, they're not good enough for you, you want someone else etc. so try to address this too and allow space for your partner to express their feelings around this (hopefully in a constructive way). On the flip side, if you're the monogamous person and your partner comes to you it can be really difficult to not feel anxious and sometimes threatened in the relationship. Try to find reassurance in that they are comfortable enough and feel safe to come to you with this information and express their feelings in this way. It is not an easy situation - forgive yourself for any feelings that may arise and if you need space to process it all, do say that you need that. As above, take some time to reflect on it all, how you feel with it, if it's something you would want for yourself, would you want to open the relationship up fully, would you be comfortable staying a monogamous partner whilst they open up their side, maybe this relationship isn't something you can continue and you would only feel comfortable in an exclusively monogamous relationship. Try not to write your partner off straight away, take some time to talk it through again and get mutual understanding on what you both feel is doable within your boundaries/wants/expectations and take it from there. It might be an idea to look into relationship counselling if you're both unsure of how to navigate the conversation but want to make the relationship work for you both, where possible (do check your counsellor is ENM inclusive). A relationship counsellor will be able to be an impartial voice, a safe space to talk your thoughts and feelings through, and may be able to offer some light guidance through reflection. If you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this: whatever structure of relationship you are in is valid providing it's consensual between all involved. Monogamy isn't for everyone, and neither is ENM; If we do only get this one life to live, try to live it for you and what you want out of it. Want to delve into this deeper check out my Beginners Guide to Non-Monogamy. Are you a Therapist, Counsellor, Psychotherapist, or Mental Health Professional and want to know more about working with Non-Monogamous Clients? Check out my online CPD course - here Further Resources: Websites: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html https://medium.com/polyamory-today https://poly.land/categories/start-here/ https://polypirat.es/explain/enm/ Books: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Polyamory-Relationships/dp/0399579664 - also on audible https://www.amazon.co.uk/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy/dp/1944934987 - also on audible Podcasts: http://polyweekly.com/ https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/ https://lovingwithoutboundaries.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chillpolyamory/ https://www.instagram.com/polypages/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamory_awareness/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamory_awareness/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamproud/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamfam/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamcomix/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamorousplatypus/ https://www.instagram.com/thepolyamoroustherapist/ Communities: I am hesitant to recommend any as many are big groups and so each persons experience of them will be different but some ideas of places to look that others have found useful: - Search "polyamory" on Facebook for groups you can join. - Reddit has many different subreddits around non-monogamy: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/ https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/ - Try looking on meetup for in person non monogamy groups: https://www.meetup.com/topics/polyamory/ - Discord is a wonderful online community space with many servers available to join: https://disboard.org/servers/tag/polyamory

Emily Duffy Therapy is a qualified integrative therapist/counsellor based in Waltham Cross, UK. Offering online counselling via Zoom or phone. Majority of my work revolves around identity and exploring who you are as a person, whether that's your relationship with yourself or within external relationships, within your job, after losing someone close to you etc. Emily Duffy Therapy I am currently not taking on new clients. Please check out my signposting or "how to find the 'right' therapist" post for places to look for a therapist. I offer one-to-one online counselling sessions for residents of the UK. Majority of my work revolves around identity and exploring who you are as a person, whether that's within your 'self' (e.g. sexuality, gender, neurodiversity, mental health etc.) or who you are within your outside world (e.g. relationships, within your job, after losing someone close to you etc.) Brief Overview: About Me I have professional and lived experience in my areas of work Qualifications I am Qualified Integrative Therapist (L7 PGDip) How I work I work with informed consent & collaboratively with you Fees My guide fee is £60 for a 50minute session Resources Guides for Clients & Therapists in Private Practice Signposting Websites for further support Courses Beginners guide & CPD around non-monogamy Blog Covers all kinds of topics related to mental health & therapy Still have questions? Check out my FAQ's or contact me on the details below. Email me at - info@emilyduffytherapy.co.uk or Leave me a voicemail** or WhatsApp me on - +44 (0)7508387585 **Note - I will only return your call if you leave a voicemail. If you don't leave a voicemail I will not return contact. Emily Duffy Therapy is located in Waltham Cross, Herts, England Leave a voicemail WhatsApp me Email me Ready to book in? Click here. Home: Contact Check out my Instagram

As an integrative therapist I adapt my way of working to your individual preferences in a collaborative and consent-led way. We will talk about what it is you would like to get out of counselling and look at ways we can do this; the approaches and methods used will be used to account for intersectionality's without pathologising you, i.e. I work with YOU in a holistic way.  My core way of working is offering a safe, compassionate, affirming, and non-judgemental space. How I work As an integrative/pluralistic therapist I adapt my way of working to your individual preferences in a collaborative and consent-led way. I believe you are the expert of yourself, and so, we will talk about what it is you would like to get out of counselling and look at ways we can do this; the approaches and methods used will be used to account for intersectionality, without pathologising you i.e. I work with YOU in a holistic way. My core way of working is co-creating a safe, compassionate, affirming, and non-judgemental space through person centred counselling and it's core conditions, which are to hold you with unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence. Safety is a big part of my work, and I will work with you to create a space you feel safe in and allow stability in exploring what you need to. This might mean using fidget toys, writing notes in sessions, turning the camera off if low on spoons, having a drink readily available etc. and it might mean looking at how the sessions are structured, i.e. whether we have a more structured format of this is what we'll look at each session, whether it's more open for whatever is on your mind that day, or maybe a mix! In terms of my approaches, I layer on tools and techniques from approaches such as: Gestalt - using metaphors, looking at the 'here & now' work, and somatic exploration/body work Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT)/ Solution Focused Therapy (SFT) - using mindfulness techniques to explore our ways of thinking, looking at how this can be different, and how this can then impact our behaviour/emotions Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) - looking at our internal narrative, how we can be more compassionate and accepting to ourselves. **Note that I do not use every approach with every client. It will depend on what works for you. Check out my about me and qualifications if you'd like to know more. Depending on what it is you're wanting to explore, how long we work together, and your preferences, will depend on the techniques used in our sessions. If you are considering short term work with myself then we will look at the most pressing issue you would like to focus on, whereas longer term work will allow more breadth of work. In whichever scenario we will have a 45 minute session at a discounted price for a consultation; this is for me to understand what you are coming to counselling for, to go through my counselling contract, for you to ask any questions you may have, and for you to assess if you would like to continue with myself going forward. All of my sessions are on a one-to-one basis, for residents of the UK only, and currently I am only offering remote sessions via Google Meet, Phone Call or Email. Fees: The initial consultation will be £30 for up to 45 minutes My guide fee for ongoing 50 minute sessions is £60 unless otherwise agreed*. *If you feel you are unable to afford this we can discuss low cost options in our consultation. How does low cost work? I don't have a set "low-cost fee" for sessions nor do I work on a sliding scale. Instead we will have an open and honest conversation about what is affordable for you and I will take your lead. If you don't feel able to commit to the same fee every week we can explore this too. Book a Consultation Email Session Form Questions?

A few resources that could be helpful to your wellbeing & mental health management as well as guidance for therapists starting out in Private Practice in the UK. Resources I will upload any documents I create that could be helpful to your wellbeing management or your own therapy practice. Resources for coping Resources for therapists Free resources for coping Thinking of donating in return for a download? Any money that is donated will go towards subsidising low-cost sessions to clients in need. Coping Plan Free to download This is a guide for putting your coping techniques into a plan of how to use them and when to use them. The guide also includes some popular exercises and tools for coping. Download The "Mememotions Wheel" A fun adaptation on the Emotion wheel using memes Click here If you're wanting some sites covering further services for Chronic Illness, LGBTQ+, Non-monogamy, Neurodivergence, and Mental Health, check out the signposting here Free Resources Resources for Therapists & Counsellors Bundle Templates Private Practice Guide Spreadsheet Logging for Notes £20 BUNDLE - Guide & Spreadsheet Add to Cart More info £5 Editable Templates Only Add to Cart More info Private Practice Start-up Guide £17.50 A 55 paged guide for starting up Private Practice in the UK. It covers: naming the practice, setting prices, contracting, consultation, policies, finance, ways of working, supervision, and more. It also includes all of my policies, contract, client form, & safeguarding procedure. EDITABLE TEMPLATES - found in attachments within the PDF file. Add to Cart More info Logging Spreadsheet Template £5 A template for a spreadsheet set out to log your client hours, notes, payments, invoice template, supervision, CPD, resources, and email templates. *whilst every effort has been made to make this compatible for all machines, this has been created on Windows and so may not be compatible with MAC Add to Cart More info Non-Monogamy Guide £10 This is a guide for anyone wanting to know more about non-monogamy and how to navigate relationships. If you are a trainee or qualified therapist, this can be used as a taster for my "Working with Non-monogamous Clients" Course. Add to Cart Therapist Resources Bundle Templates Guide Spreadsheet ST - in the UK "I purchased the private practice guide and spreadsheet. The spreadsheet alone is worth its weight in gold. As someone who can used excel but not create formulas this is the perfect resource. It keeps log of all of my hours, when I have been paid and what’s outstanding. I can record all of my supervision as well as CPD. For someone new into PP. it’s invaluable and a great visual to see how far I have come."