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What is good enough? This is a question that is so hard to answer for so many people when they don't feel good enough, but yet they don't know what good enough actually looks like. This is especially true for those of us who battle perfectionism, scared of failing, or feel like we need to prove ourselves to others. We can replace the good with so many things and this narrative is still similar: I'm not good enough I'm not queer enough I'm not sexual enough I'm not Black enough I'm not smart enough I'm not monogamous enough I'm not ill enough for support or healthy enough to work It is an overall sense that we aren't meeting someone's expectations. At some point in our life we have internalised this and start to believe that we're not good enough and it can start to impact our lives and the actions we take by reducing ourselves down, berating ourselves, not going to events because we don't feel we'll fit in etc. It can start to impact how we see ourselves, our sense of worth in the world, how we feel others might perceive us, and our self-esteem. It can become a really insidious core belief about ourself, even though "good enough" can be such a subjective concept. The Skewed View: There are many reasons as to why you may slip into this distorted way of thinking and striving for perfection, feeling like nothing you do is "good enough". Somehow we get it twisted that good enough is this unattainable ultimate goal but actually it's really not that at all. I felt this way in my private practice until my supervisor blew my mind with where good enough actually falls on a scale of "bad" to "perfect". Logically I knew this, but thinking about it in this way really helped me see just *how much* pressure and unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself - yet I would never expect that from others either! This skewed perfectionism & "good enough" mindset can come out in so many areas of life: family, friendships, relationships, values, morals, work, behaviours, standards, expectations, finances, health, productivity, housework, etc. Challenging that narrative: When we're born we don't have all of the stigma and societal expectations innate in our minds. These ways of thinking come from somewhere whether it's parents, peers, siblings, wider family, media, etc. I've seen someone say asking the question "where did I learn this narrative?" to be a good challenge moments when we're not feeling good enough or we're being overly critical of ourselves. Alternatively we can ask ourselves "who's voice does this remind me of?" to explore where this thought is coming from in our lives. We could also challenge it by asking "good enough according to who?" who are we trying to be good enough for, and why? Sometimes it can feel like an all or nothing situation of either I'm good enough or I'm nothing. This is still in the skewed view as above, as realistically good enough is the middle ground!! So challenging this of, well what is the minimum needed of me? Comparison can also play a part in finding the middle ground. We often compare ourselves to ideals or people which we feel are out of our reach, "they're so much better than I am" (whether true or not!). What would it be like to compare yourself to someone (real or not) who is not as "good" as us in this situation? This isn't a challenge that always works but for example, when looking at not feeling "queer enough" and comparing ourselves to people who run Pride events and are completely out with their identity we can feel like we're not doing enough to call ourself a part of the community - aside from the many variables that play into why we might not be as out there with our identity - this doesn't mean you're not "queer enough". I would argue that anything outside of being the straightest person on the fluidity scale is queer enough! Being any amount of queer is enough! This goes for any identity of religion, spirituality, race, gender, relationship type, etc. Reminding yourself that everyone has to start somewhere can also be a good way of grounding this thought and challenging the belief. So, you might not be where you want to be, but it doesn't necessarily mean you can't get there. Everyone starts somewhere, it doesn't mean the starting point is your end point though. This can also work around not feeling good enough with skills based situations. Try adding "yet" or "right now" to the end of the thought - I'm not where I want to be....yet. The biggest thing. Being compassionate with yourself and remembering you're just one human! As much as we may want to be, you're not going to be the best at absolutely everything and never make any mistakes. You are enough as you are! You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. Of course, there is a lot of nuance around all of these challenges as it can be so specific in certain situations. It can be really challenging in places like work where you have targets and expectations to meet, for example, as this can feel so tangible and real adding to the pressure we're already feeling. If you do have situations where this is coming up for you and you feel it is impacting your life, it can be worth checking out therapy so that you can explore it deeper and hopefully learn a new narrative that doesn't feel as stifling. So, let's think about that question again - what is good enough? Do you have an answer yet? Want therapy with me, check out my availability here -

Pacing wasn't something I was too aware of in the time of my life before my chronic illnesses kicked in to the degree they're at now. Before then I was overloading my plate and getting away with it, with only occasional breaks needed. However as I have gotten older and with my chronic illnesses developing - or I guess actually being more in tune with my body to notice my needs more! - pacing is something that is very much needed. EDIT: After writing this a while ago, I've become more aware of how amazing pacing can be in theory for managing health and wellbeing but in practicality it doesn't always work out. To do pacing "fully" it would mean being able to control every aspect of your life which isn't something any of us can do when we have responsibilities and live in the society we do....... And so, this post is to be informative on how pacing can work, how you might implement it in areas of your life, but unfortunately it isn't a solution that works in every area of life for everyone. It's also worth having the resource of ACAS for looking into your rights with working. Absolutely look at an occupational therapist if you're struggling with your health and work. Boom - Bust cycle The boom bust cycle actually comes from economics (Karl Marx) however it has now been applied to psychology and how we can live as humans. made via paint How I explain the boom-bust cycle is in terms of our energy levels and capacity, though this can then go deeper into pressures & expectations on ourselves. As the graph shows, when we have capacity/energy - a "good day" - we might feel the need to get as much done as possible. But then we'll hit a peak as we've exceeded our max capacity - this might be a pain flare up, condition flare up, mental health dip, migraine, etc. - and we then end up on a drop into the bust part of the cycle where we have no energy/capacity to do anything. Then after resting & recovering, the cycle repeats as we feel the need to catch up on the 'bad days' we've just had. The time that this cycle last might be different for everyone. It may be as volatile as every day, waking up with energy to do some tasks, overdoing it, and then needing to crash for the rest of the day. It may be that it's a monthly cycle. or a yearly cycle.... it will be individual to you. Have a think back to your last week/few months/year - does this sound familiar? So, what is "pacing"? Pacing is a process in understanding what your capacity is and working out a way to slow down so your capacity isn't overloaded. This can be done in many different ways and in a society where 'hustle culture', perfectionism, and comparing ourselves to others is rife, it can be hard to refocus purely on your own way of living and finding your own equilibrium within it all. This can be done in different ways in a process: Some people find spoon theory to be useful in understanding what their capacity is. this will be a process of working out how many spoons you actually have (make your best guess) and then how much each task takes. You might start with 12 spoons and categorise tasks into whether they use 1 spoon, 2 spoons, 3 spoons etc. Some people find timing events/tasks to see what you can manage before being at max capacity is useful. Similarly to above, this is categorising tasks, however it will be into time taken categories rather than energy used. Generally it is a good idea to pick one task to start with e.g. going for a walk. From here you would do what felt manageable being really mindful of how you're feeling before, during, and after. You would time the walk and do this each time you went for a walk in the week. Then look at the average time from the week as this will be your 'pacing time' i.e. the time that is manageable for this task. Some people might try a calendar approach by starting off with minimal tasks and building up to find their sustainable amount of events in a day/week before hitting capacity. Others might go about it in a more trial and error way. For me, personally, I looked at areas of my life and working them out in a layered way. E.g. my first priority has been work capacity. This involved working out how many clients felt manageable in a day, as well as spacing them out throughout the day for rest in between. I did this so I was under capacity, as then I've been able to layer on different areas of life like socialising, home life, looking after my dogs, housework etc. (I recognise here that I am really privileged to be able to do this with my work and have freedoms that others do not. If work isn't something that can be done in such a flexible way it's always worth looking into whether an occupational therapist visit is possible to help put reasonable adjustments in place at work.) Depending on what's going on for you, the absoluteness of how far you go with the process will be up to you. For some learning their capacity for different tasks down to brushing teeth, getting out of bed, getting dressed, showers, etc. is needed as their max capacity might be a lot lower than expected and so even the 'smallest' of tasks will take energy to a greater extent. For others capacity might be at a higher capacity and so figuring out tasks won't need to be as absolute but might be more to an extent of physical tasks taking energy e.g. housework, travelling, exercise, or mental energy e.g. reading, learning, work, or emotional e.g. social events, messaging, phone calls, etc. Or you might need to work out your capacity for a mixture of some/all of these things. It might also be that your capacity changes over time with the amount of support you have around you, with life events out of your control, with treatment options you might have. With this in mind, pacing is a fluid process which needs to have check ins with yourself and where you're at to adapt to where you are in that moment. Using a "Timetable" I was first introduced to pacing when I had CBT for pain management. The process here was to identify different tasks I fill my days with/or want to fill my days with. First off, we separated the tasks into enjoyable tasks (tasks we choose to do for pleasure), routine tasks (tasks we do daily/weekly) and necessary tasks (tasks that have to be done otherwise there is a negative consequence). Once you have these lists sorted, you would then colour code these tasks into Easy (green - tasks that don't take up much energy), Medium (yellow - tasks that are doable but take some energy), Hard (red - tasks that take a lot of energy). Then you look at sprinkling these tasks across your weekly timetable, with a mixture of enjoyable, routine, and necessary, as well as easy, medium, hard being mixed up. You would then review how you feel each day and for the week overall to look at any amendments that might need to be made. Picture below as a brief example: Made in Google Sheets The cognitive change to pacing It is one thing planning and prepping how you are going to pace yourself to try and even out the boom bust cycle, but putting it into practice when you've been used to going 'full speed ahead' is difficult - it's something I still have to work on and monitor daily! We might have narratives we have grown up with - "get on with it", "keep going", "man up", "stop being so flaky"... this list goes on. Putting a schedule in place doesn't remove those narratives and so some internal work is also needed, to be able to sit with those thoughts, acknowledge the feelings that might come up alongside them, and find a way to work through them to acceptance. My BIGGEST mindset challenge has been with exercise. I have always been someone who does so many different types of exercising, I get such enjoyment, empowerment, and release from exercise, but unfortunately all the types of exercising I used to love aren't accessible to me anymore. This was a huge hit for me, it took a lot to accept this, and some days I still mourn the fact that I might never be able to do them again. So, to face a day of resting because I am depleted of energy/spoons is hard when my mind is bringing thoughts like "lets do something!!!" which I would love to do. Therapy is helping, and has helped, me get through this. It is true that we grieve our old selves, our 'healthy' selves, to then look forward at what we can do now with what's accessible for us. This is a big process in itself, so please don't be hard on yourself if you still have moments of slipping back into the boom-bust cycle, it happens, but take each day as it comes and offer yourself compassion. Whilst you're building your pacing timetable or getting an idea of how much energy different tasks use, be mindful on what's coming up for you and any thoughts that follow too. Maybe you get caught up in the moment because it feels good to be doing something you enjoy, or you just want to feel 'normal' again, or you don't want to 'fail yourself' by doing less than you would have done before. Those thoughts are important to recognise so you can explore them and work through them. Is pacing giving up on myself? I had this fear. That slowing down so much would mean I was giving up on myself, when in reality you are being compassionate and offering yourself support where you're struggling. A boom-bust cycle is only sustainable for so long before burn out or your body catches up to you. Pacing is a proactive way to look after yourself in the long run. It might feel like giving up because of the ableism in our society, but accepting you need to take more time for yourself isn't a failure, it's a success in looking after yourself. Of course, there will be extremes on the opposite end of getting into thoughts where everything feels too hard to do, in these instances it is about using pacing to increase your activity levels in a controlled way. This might be starting with 1 minute of stretches a day for a week, then going up to 2 minutes for a week until you get to 15 minutes. Recommendations: Get some support in place for yourself through this process as it can be mentally and emotionally draining Take your time. My need to have things done and in place tried to take over with pacing; ironically, pacing the process when looking at pacing your life is needed. Therapy helped me with having someone guide me through it, challenge my thought patterns, explore the feelings, and look forward at what I had already done for myself (you'd be surprised how much this last bit gets overlooked). Explain what you are doing to those around you - obviously where you feel comfortable to - but it can be helpful so others are on the same page with you. You can still have fun, this process isn't meant to strip the joy from life, rather it's meant to help you find a way to live life to YOUR fullest, meeting you where you're at with your needs and health. i.e. I've learnt that if I want to go to a gig, or have a social day, I probably need to take some time to myself to allow rest and regrouping afterwards. The takeaways: Understand what pacing means for you - spoon theory? timings? energy ratings? capacity? etc. Figure out how pacing can work for you in your timetable Be mindful of your thought processes and narratives that come up for you in the process Try to offer yourself compassion in the process - it's not easy! Pacing is proactive and can be used to increase activity in a controlled way over time. You're allowed to take time for yourself. Resting and restoring your energy and wellbeing is important, as are you! Image from Unsplash via Wix

What is Intersectionality? How Assumptions play into the work? So how do we work with Intersectionality in Therapy? As the therapist As the client What is Intersectionality? The Oxford Dictionary definition is, “the interconnected nature of ,social categorisations such as race, class, and gender, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage”. It was originally applied to women's rights and the feminist movement to be able to acknowledge that whilst they were fighting for women's rights different intersections would be fighting from a different place which may be disadvantaged and how this then has an impact on their experience of being a woman from their intersections lens, e.g. a trans woman's experience fighting for  women's rights and their experience of  women's rights will be different to a cis woman's experience. In terms of how this fits into therapy, it's important to recognise that whilst parts of ourselves don't define us, they do have an impact and can be linked to create our individual experience of oppression and disadvantage. Essentially, meet the client where they are and recognise where they've come from. Our intersections add layers on to who we are and how we are treated in the world. They are the makeup of our experiences; they could be drawn out as a Venn Diagram: Taken From - https://www.tidalequality.com/blog/a-venn-diagram-of-belonging-where-identities-equity-and-inclusion-intersect But everyone's Venn Diagram of their own intersections and how they relate to them will look different. For example - My experience as a woman will be different to a trans woman's experience, or to a woman who has no illnesses, or who is a person of colour, but being a woman will have an impact for each of us in different ways in making up our experience of the world. How Assumptions play into the work? Assumptions are so important as a therapist as we can't assume to know the clients experience without them telling us! Vice Versa a client might project on to you if you have a similar intersection e.g. chronic illness that you have experienced the same kind of things that they have. If we don't address the assumption on either end, it can lead to misunderstandings and as therapists not meeting the client where they're actually at. E.g my fibro diagnosis process was horrible, took longer than it needed, lots of dismissal, and eventually going private. However, I know other people who have been diagnosed in their first appointment with their GP! We both have a diagnosis of fibro but our experiences of diagnosis were so different. So how might we work with Intersectionality in Therapy? As the therapist: Think about your own experience and get familiar with it This can be especially important when working with clients with similar intersections to us as we may notice something trigger inside us or emotions come up that are our own. We need to try and be aware of these moments so we can either: put a name to our own stuff and use it in the session (where relevant) - e.g. sometimes if a client tells me they were dismissed by GPs it brings up anger in me which is from my own stuff but I also wonder if it's theirs too, so naming "I'm feeling angry, I know some of this is my own but I'm wondering if that's coming up for you too?" Or we need to be able to put it to the side so we can refocus on what's going on for the client in front of us. Look into your unconscious biases and how these might come into play when working with people with similar or different experiences in life to you Harvard have a great research study going on with this where you can complete their unconscious bias tests to see what stands out for you - https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html Notice your privilege - e.g. I am chronically ill, queer, and suspected ND, but I am also a cis woman, white, and stable financially which give me a lot of privilege which needs to be acknowledged. This is also true when looking at how privileged intersections have played a part in oppressing many. Sometimes it is good to have these conversations in therapy with clients. e.g. if you're white and you have a global majority client, it can be useful to have a conversation around your privilege, safety, being culturally aware, validating lived experience, and (especially) asking questions before making assumptions. As the client: Think about what you want from a therapist: It can be great to know that a therapist who is also queer might have more of an understanding of the queer scene, dating, body acceptance, etc. but it is also important to remember that whilst they might get it on a closer level to most - your experience is yours and this is what they'll focus on. Think about what you need to feel safe in therapy. If someone of a certain gender, sexuality, race, religion etc. would make you feel more comfortable due to the familiarity, absolutely look for that. When finding a therapist think about what is important for you in this regard and any questions you may want to ask. Maybe you want someone who's had a completely different experience to life than you so that they can really challenge your perspective. You do not/should not have to teach your therapist! Sometimes it can be good to correct your therapist if they've made an assumption or they've got something wrong - it happens - but this shouldn't be a thing that is repeated where you end up educating them more than you actually get from the sessions. Don't be afraid to correct your therapist, especially if they've caused harm - but also if it's not comfortable to do this then don't risk your safety You can leave and find someone new if you feel consistently unsafe and worse after sessions. Remember privilege goes both ways. Sometimes a therapist may challenge you and if they're challenging you from a place of oppression and you get defensive, try to think why this might be? e.g. maybe your cis woman therapist challenges you a cis male client on the language and behaviours you use when discussing women. They may be challenging you from their lived experience of being on the other side of it. Difference between a challenge in therapy and an accusation? A challenge is trying to get you to look at things in a different way so generally it might be phrased in a way of "I wonder what it might look like if....", "I'm curious what approaching it like this might look like" whereas an accusation would be more of a statement of blame. Further Reading & Resources: Useful to know about and understand microaggressions - https://equality-diversity.ed.ac.uk/students/microaggressions/what-are-microaggressions A very generalised an quick test to look at privilege - https://www.idrlabs.com/intersectionalism/test.php https://www.womankind.org.uk/intersectionality-101-what-is-it-and-why-is-it-important/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11212199/

I have posted quite a few Instagram posts in relation to all of these topics but I have yet to write a full blog post about them, so I figured now is a good time to sit down and put it all together into one place. Relationships: There are so many different types of relationships where the language is really more of a guideline for how a relationship can look, as I truly believe that each relationship is individual to each person involved. When outlining all of these relationships below please note that in each of these circumstances having open, honest communication is an important skill to cultivate with your partner(s), and above all else the relationships described are for individuals being ethical, consensual, and of legal age. Platonic relationships - these can be friendships or deeply connected relationships that don't involve sexual or romantic interactions. Monogamous relationships - a relationship between 2 people where they do not date, have romantic or sexual contact with anyone else outside of this relationship. Monogamish relationships - a relationship between 2 people where there may be some casual dating/sexual/romantic contact outside of the 2 people, e.g. causal threesomes, not being help to monogamy in different countries/state lines, or the idea of a 'hall pass' . Ethical non monogamous relationships: Open relationships - where a relationship has the guideline that dating, sexual contact, and/or romantic contact can happen outside of the primary relationship i.e. being open to other relationships. This can be true of one or all individuals in the relationship e.g. one person may be monogamous, but the other is polyamorous and open to other partners. Swinging - Where people in a relationship are primarily open to sexual experiences through parties, events, or exchanging partners with another couple. Swinging is often planned ahead and seen as event based rather than being open all the time. Relationship anarchy - where there are no set guidelines on what the relationship is other than what is agreed between each partner. Taking the relationships out of the set constructs allowing there to be no expectations of what the relationship will be/where it will go. Polyamory - being open to having multiple relationships at the same time. This can be where there is no set hierarchy, or it can be where couples have a primary relationship which they date outside of. Polyamorous relationships can also be a mix of romantic or sexual relationships. Polyfidelity - where members in a polyamorous relationship will not date, have romantic partners or sexual partners outside of the members in the current relationship e.g. three people in a relationship making a triad and being committed solely to each other. There is no right or wrong way to be in an adult, consenting, and ethical relationship. All of the relationships above will take work, communication, sharing, and honesty. They will all involve an element of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner(s) and trusting them. There is also a misconception that an ethical non-monogamous relationship is 'an excuse for people to cheat and feel okay with it', however this is not the case. Cheating is where a partner has betrayed trust - a person in a polyamorous relationship can still be cheated on by not telling the truth around how many partners they have or if they have been sexually active with partners they said they wouldn't be. Polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy on a whole, still requires trust in partnerships. It still means being hurt, let down, or going through break-ups when things don't work out. It can still mean being cheated on. It can still mean being single even though you're open to multiple relationships. None of this is taken away from people in ENM relationships, and those feelings are still 100% valid of an experience. Monogamy isn't for everyone, but it also isn't forced for people either, just as ENM relationships aren't for everyone either. Relationships are a connection, understanding and partnership between the people involved and the external opinions put on those aren't necessary as what works for one person may not work for another. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-non-monogamy-guide https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/monogamy/what-is-ethical-non-monogamy/ https://www.healthline.com/health/types-of-relationships#r-z Love: We've talked about the types of relationships people can have, now lets look at the types of love and connection we can have with the people in our lives. For me personally, I like to go off the Ancient Greek types of love that we can have and express to others: Romantic love: Ludos - a playful type of love reminiscent of 'young lovers', being flirty with those you have feelings for. Pragma - a love that is standing the test of time, love for someone that has shown commitment, devotion, and adapted to the changes of the relationship. Eros - a lustful type of love that we can have for someone, the deep desire for sexual connection with that person. The Ancient Greeks saw this as a loss of control where the inner desires took over the cognition. Mania - where love becomes an obsession, the person is all you can think about. This love is codependent and linked with feelings of extreme jealousy and rage. Platonic/family love: Philia - a love that doesn't depend on physical attraction but is more to do with the platonic connection we have with someone. This is an affectionate love where we care for someone. Storge - a protective, kinship love felt between family members - often the type of love that parents try to express towards their children and vice-versa. Self love: Philautia - Being able to care for yourself, address your needs before caring for others. “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.” - Aristotle. Altruistic love: Agape - this is a love that is universal and above ourselves. This type of love would be linked to being altruistic or doing things for the love of our community, the world, the earth, humanity, the religion you believe in etc. This is having empathy for people whether they are known to you or strangers - an unconditional love. Emotions and feelings can be complicated, expressing love for people can sometimes be misunderstood. We can care so deeply for someone yet not want to be romantic or sexual with them, but how do you then express that? The distinction for me is - I can love my friends, my family, my partner, my pets as this is love for who they are, the qualities they have, the connection we have, the trust, the laughter, the safety the evoke etc. However I am 'in love' with my husband, for me being in love is the distinction to then being romantic with someone. This might not be the same for everyone but hopefully reading about different types of love can open your eyes or help you make sense of your feelings towards those around you. https://greekcitytimes.com/2020/02/14/the-8-ancient-greek-words-for-love/ We can then also show our love in different ways. A good way of figuring this out is looking at the 5 love languages - this is a very generalised way of looking out how we show and receive love from people, but it is a start to understanding that what we might do to show our affection might not mean the same for other people and vice versa. Words of Affirmation - receiving letters, texts, spoken words describing the affection someone feels for you. Being told 'i love you'. Acts of Service - having someone show their affection and care by noticing the needs that you have - i.e. tidying the house to prevent anxiety, getting the shopping ordered so you don't have to etc. Receiving Gifts - showing affection through gifts, these can be gifts we buy or gifts we make. Quality Time - spending time with you, watching your favourite TV/films, going for walks together, doing hobbies together, staying up and talking about goals/dreams/aspirations. Physical Touch - not just sexual intimacy, but being close to each other, hugging, holding hands, reassuring with touch etc. It is believed that we will generally prefer one of these types above the rest when being shown affection, yet it may be we prefer to show our affection differently. You can take a quick quiz by Dr. Gary Chapman who theorised this concept - https://www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages/ Sexuality: Sexuality can then play into the relationships you have, the love you show and the feelings you express. Sexuality is something that a lot of people are still learning for themselves and so the terminology is still catching up - the important thing is that you are valid in whatever your sexuality is and however you feel. Sexuality is also something that is consensual love and so the movement to include pedophilia into the LGBTQ+ spectrum is not accepted in this way. For a list of sexualities and their definitions, I have linked a post from Unite UK who have a lot of resources around sexuality and gender - https://uniteuk1.com/2018/06/a-z-list-of-sexualities/ Attraction: Finally, we can also have different types of attraction towards different genders or find our attraction changes with our hormone cycles. Attraction can be fluid across a spectrum which can leave looking at our sexuality to be confusing and overwhelming as it adds another layer to what we feel at certain times. Sexual attraction - having a desire to be sexual with someone. Intellectual attraction - wanting to engage in intellectual stimulation with someone else, being attracted to how someone thinks, or the knowledge they have on subjects. Aesthetic attraction - disconnected from romantic and sexual attractions, but being able to appreciate how someone looks. Emotional attraction - being attracted to someone for their personality, their traits, their qualities, rather than their looks/intellect. Sensual attraction - wanting to be close to somebody in a physical way that isn't sexual i.e. cuddling or hugging. Romantic attraction - having a deep desire to be with somebody and interact with them, involving emotional connections. Our attractions can sync up with each other or they can be completely separate for different people or even genders. It might be that you have romantic and sexual attraction to one gender but only have an aesthetic attraction to another gender. https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/attraction/what-are-different-types-of-attraction/ How these can all work together? There are infinite possibilities of how our relationships, love, attraction and sexuality all pay a part. It could be that you define yourself as straight in a non-monogamous relationship, but you are on the asexual scale where you have romantic attraction without sexual attraction for your partners, yet you can still be in love with these people. You might be pansexual in a monogamous, where you have full attraction to your partner of one gender, but you still have attraction to other genders in different ways without acting on the attraction. You can still then love other people but only be in love with your partner. Again, the important aspect is that whatever you are feeling is fully valid for you. You define your own attraction, sexuality, love and relationship in a way that feels right for you within the confines of being ethical and consensual. I would love to know your thoughts on this and if there's any other links readers can check out that I haven't included! And please if you are struggling with any of the above and are looking to talk to someone please do get in touch and we can look at sessions that work for you. Check out my availability here - www.emilyduffytherapy.co.uk/book-online Are you a Therapist, Counsellor, Psychotherapist, or Mental Health Professional and want to know more about working with Non-Monogamous Clients? Check out my online course - here

I've been thinking a lot lately about perfectionism within our society and how it is so engrained - it's no surprise many of us have dips in mental health or develop mental health conditions! When I talk about society in this post, I am referring to the westernised society which imposes it's norms onto people of all cultures, races, religions, abilities, ages, within it. Most of us learn to strive for perfection, even though we are only human and it is an unrealistic expectation to have on ourselves! Definitions Examples of perfectionism in society When Perfectionism can be good The Perception Skew What we can do to challenge perfectionism within ourselves? Resources Definitions First of all, lets start of with what perfectionism is. Dictionary.com defines perfectionism as, "a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.". Having these kind of standard for ourselves causes us to be under so much pressure that we are constantly feeling like a failure, like we're doing wrong, like we're useless..... Secondly, a study into the 'Acceptance of Imperfection' states , "Some humans may have one or several favourable qualities that are well-developed, but because of the multidimensional nature of humans no individual can be denoted as perfect, flawless, or unequivocally without fault. All humans are imperfect." So, how are we meant to hold our selves to impossibly high standards of perfection, when we innately are not perfect? On top of this, perfection of one aspect of life (religion, morals, looks, personality, qualities, lifestyle etc.) will be different from one person to the next. Some studies have found that perfectionism within young people has increased in more recent years - https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/01/perfectionism-young-people And there are also suggestions that that neurodivergent individuals are more likely to have a perfectionist traits too - https://www.kristinvanvloten.com/writing/perfectionism-and-neurodivergence Where perfectionism shows up in society The 'ideal' or perfection runs so deep in our society, the more I think about it the more I see it. Food - Have you noticed how 'wonky' veg is priced cheaper because it's not deemed the ideal shape for a vegetable? If you want to really read into it, it can give a message that something that is imperfect is less desirable and worth less than something deemed ideal. Food isn't made to be perfect - it's purpose for us is to be nutritious and this can be done whether it is the 'ideal' shape, colour, size, that society has deemed to be 'perfect'. Relationship Types - It's no secret that our society puts monogamy on a pedestal even though there are many different relationship types that are equally as valid. There is often little positive representation of non-monogamous relationships, and when there is some representation it is often shown in a really stereotypical and negative way or as a side story - it plays into the narrative that monogamy is the 'ideal' and 'right' choice. When you go further into monogamy and societal values, the message is often to find "the one", that you are choosing someone else to be your everything and that they should be able to fulfil all of your needs - So. Much. Pressure! If we look at Disney (and most rom-coms), most of their classic messages were once the princess found "the one" they lived happily ever after as though everything was perfect, but life and relationships aren't like this, they are messy, can be complex, take work, and don't always fulfil all of our needs so it can mean compromising. Body Image - From a young age we are told what our bodies "should" look like. Make up and beauty industries target young girls. Fitness industries and influencers target young boys. Everyone is subject to needing to present a certain way in society. Our weight and body shape are often incorrectly linked to our health. It leaks into what we eat, how we look, body modifications, and how we maintain fitness and health and it then impacts how we see ourselves and can lead to body dysmorphia and a negative body appreciation. Work/School - Again from such a young age we are pushed into societies version of what is "good", a perfect attendance record and top grades are celebrated, whilst those who struggle with the education system and attendance are often punished rather than offered support (obviously there is nuance to this depending on your school). This then carries over into work life where you are expected to have ambition and to keep progressing, hitting targets and performance goals rather than necessarily cultivating your current skills and position. Again there is an element of "attendance" where you can be punished if this isn't achieved. When Perfectionism can be good Whilst perfectionism can show up in most areas of life, it isn't always a bad thing; similar to stress, it can be helpful until it becomes overwhelming and maladaptive. Perfectionism can boost motivation, it can give us something to aim for when it is set within realistic standards and with compassion. When we have a healthy relationship with perfectionism, it can allow us to see "mistakes" or "failures" as opportunities to learn and grow. To improve on what we're already doing without the immense pressure. It can allow us to have high standards for ourselves in what we're doing - but again providing our expectations are grounded in reality rather than being skewed. The perception skew There are many reasons as to why you may slip into this distorted way of thinking and striving for perfection, feeling like nothing you do is "good enough". I felt this way in my private practice until my supervisor blew my mind with where good enough actually falls on a scale of "bad" to "perfect". Logically I knew this, but thinking about it in this way really helped me see just *how much* pressure and unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself - yet I would never expect that from others either! This skewed perfectionism & "good enough" mindset can come out in so many areas of life: family, friendships, relationships, values, morals, work, behaviours, standards, expectations, finances, health, productivity, housework, etc. What we can do to challenge perfectionism within ourselves? Often the chase for perfectionism in some form actually means we neglect certain parts of our wellbeing. For example, I have often had perfectionism within my work - I once had a manager tell me to slow down, that I needed to learn that me giving just 50% is still probably as good a someone else's 100%! I was putting too much into my work and my health was taking the brunt of it all. I was forced to challenge my perfectionism in order to look after my health. My perfectionism was spurred on by anxiety of doing things "right" and a fear of letting people down. For me, challenging it was about realising my perspective of what is "good enough" and what is "perfect" as well as learning to be compassionate with myself. Challenging your inner narrative - What type of thoughts come to mind with your perfection - is it similar to my example above? What is your narrative behind if you're not perfect - "If I'm not perfect, I am....." Is this way of thinking based in reality with evidence or is it based out of anxiety and from external sources. Self Compassion - Not hitting perfection can mean that we end up berating ourselves and punishing ourselves further - that we're not good enough. So, trying to be compassionate when finding ourselves leaning into perfectionism can help ease the pressure we put on ourselves. Sitting with the idea of imperfection - What does imperfection look like? What would it be like to let yourself be imperfect? Therapy - A therapist can help you explore the above ways of challenging perfectionism and dig deeper into the roots. Check out my availability here. Resources: The Australian Government have some great workbooks on different topics, one of which is perfectionism - https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/looking-after-yourself/perfectionism Some other ways of challenging perfectionism - https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/7-ways-overcome-perfectionism Answer some questions to gauge if perfectionism is something you struggle with - https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/learn-about-perfectionism

First of all lets define boundaries! What are boundaries? I define a boundary as an expectation or need that we put in place for ourselves. These can then be communicated to others where they can decide if they want to respect/follow them or not. A boundary might look like: Outlining what you are comfortable with in sexual intimacy, e.g. not wanting to give or receive oral would be a sexual boundary Asking for more space in the relationship, e.g. saying I would like Thursday nights for myself each week. Stating your right to privacy, e.g. not wanting to share passwords for devices. A rule is then something we impose for others to follow. Taking the examples from above to show the contrast:  Stating sexual acts you want your partner to do, e.g. have to have sex every day  Enforcing space in the relationship e.g. telling your partner to be out the house on Thursdays  Enforcing privacy rules, e.g. having the same passwords for unshared devices so you can check your partners device. I like the example by Dr. Sarah Davies about boundaries being fences we put up around our garden. I then take this to mean, we still have a gate so people can come in, but the fences allow our garden to be maintained. We are not putting up fences on other peoples gardens (rules) just our own, and sometimes there might be joint land which we boundary off together (mutual agreements). Our fences aren't walls or built so high that we can't see others, but they are firm enough to allow us safety. Without fences our gardens might become overrun, unmanaged, and allow people in when we wouldn't want them to be. Boundaries are important to explore and discuss as individuals but also as relationships as they help us know what our expectations and needs are, as well as communicating these to our partners. So, what is cheating? I would define cheating as a break in trust and boundaries within a relationship; it normally involves some sort of dishonesty and deception. This can be different for each relationship as each relationships boundaries will be different depending on the people involved. For some a boundary of "if flirting happens outside of our exclusive dyad, this for me would be cheating" and for others it might be more to do with sexual contact but flirting is okay. It's important to note that cheating can happen in any relationship type - not just monogamous relationships! You might be in a polyamorous relationship where you have agreed within your dyad that other partners are okay, you don't need notice, you just need them to be practicing safe sex as you two are fluid bonded and don't use protection - it would also be important here to define what you mean by safe sex, for this example though we'll go with using condoms - however you then find out that your partner hasn't been practicing safe sex with others; this would be cheating and I have also seen some people would also argue that this is sexual abuse as it compromises your bodily autonomy and violates your safe sex practice. Cheating can happen in many different ways. There is also what people call emotional cheating where your partner has withdrawn emotionally from your relationship but is talking to someone else in an intimate way. Are there grey areas? There is a term coined by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling called "microcheating". This is small and secretive behaviours/actions done by one partner which shows interest to others outside of their relationship. For me this includes when boundaries might be broken but the boundary was never discussed or realised before. For example, this might be a partner liking photos of someone's social media account or commenting on photos. This can be seen as a "common expectation" not to do in relationships and so this is why it wasn't discussed, it was just assumed to be an agreement, however for many people their expectations are so different we can't assume things like this, especially when it can lead to hurt and mistrust down the line. Why do people cheat? There is no set reason as to why people cheat in relationships, and so this isn't something I can generalise. However a small study found 8 motivations for why people might engage in an affair: Selterman et al., found eight different variables which related to infidelity motivation. These included things such as feeling angry at a partner’s behaviour; wanting more sex than is available in the primary relationship; wanting more intimacy and love than is available to them; having low commitment to the relationship; wanting greater autonomy; clouded judgement due to situational factors, such as stress; feeling mistreated or neglected; and wanting a greater number of sexual partners - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/#sec4-ijerph-20-03904 section 4.9 This is such a complex and nuanced topic that it could be it's own separate post but there can be many things that lead to someone cheating on their partner - the reasons are not excuses, but just an understanding of what is behind the behaviour. Essentially though, cheating comes from not being able to communicate effectively within your relationship about your feelings, needs, and expectations within the relationship and so their is a motivation to look to fulfil these outside of the relationship. This research is fairly unique in that not many studies have looked into the "why" of people cheating and so previously it has been assumed that cheating comes from the breakdown of the relationship in some form: Selterman and colleagues found that men were more likely to report being motivated to cheat by sexual desire, variety and situational forces, while women were more likely to be motivated by neglect. Further, they say the variety and diversity of motivations associated with infidelity suggest it can happen to anyone—even couples in seemingly stable relationships. “We often hear that infidelity is a symptom, not a cause, of a damaged relationship,” Selterman said. “Our research suggests it’s not that simple: People cheat for a variety of reasons, many of which are not a direct reflection of a relationship’s health.” - https://umdrightnow.umd.edu/why-do-people-cheat-umd-research-identifies-8-motivating-factors However, as mentioned it is a small study made up of mostly heterosexual individuals and so there is much more research needed to be done in this area. How to talk to your partner if you've broken the boundaries? This likely to be a very difficult conversation for both/all of you and so it's important that you go into this holding the space for your partner(s) as they will have some form of reaction to your disclosure. It can be worth writing out what you want to say before talking to your partner. This can allow you to work out what you want to say, process some of the emotions you may be feeling, and allow you to manage your expectations around the outcome. It is best to avoid blaming language in this conversation - though you can't control how your partner might communicate as your partner may very well resort to this due to the shock and anger they might be feeling so do bare this in mind. But trying to keep your language in terms of "I am/I feel" and "when X happened, I...." https://www.cultureally.com/blog/nonviolent-communication-a-guide-to-empathetic-conversation You might want to look at what you're wanting out of the conversation. This may not be the outcome but it is good to have an idea of your expectations and needs in case they aren't met. Think about your apology and what you want to say. Why are you apologising? What will you do going forward to make amends? An apology tends to be "I am sorry for X, I know this really hurt you, I will look to do X, Y, Z going forward" https://www.estherperel.com/blog/the-power-of-apologizing-relearn-how-to-say-im-sorry It may be that your partner might need time to process this information and may ask for space. This can be challenging but is something to respect. Ideally you will look at how this space can be managed in terms of dependants, boundaries of what it looks like, and check ins to reassess as you both go. If you're the victim of cheating you are absolutely within your right to state you need space whether from the conversation or from the relationship, but do try and think of what this space looks like so that it is boundaried for both of you. Go away and think of what is coming up for you, how you're feeling, what you want, your expectations going forward. Then come back to this in a few hours/days to reassess. Your first gut reaction might be different to how you feel with some time, but it is important to recognise this reaction and acknowledge. You do not have to do anything in the moment. The after effects? Cheating can bring emotional turbulence to the relationship, as well as both individuals. There can be feelings of anger, disgust, humiliation, and anxiety from the victim of cheating. It has been noted that all genders tend to have similar responses in their emotions however women are more likely to feel these more intensely ( https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/ ) . The perpetrators are also likely to feel shame, guilt, and anxiety. There can be a breakdown in the relationship with both individuals having some form of identity crisis, and the victim having responses similar to a fear of abandonment. I can not tell you what is "right" for you or your relationship. It may be that you want to and feel able to work through the betrayal and rebuild trust and communication. It may be that you try and then change your mind. It might be that you want to end things and don't want to work on the relationship. Having personal therapy can be useful in moments like this as it can give you space of your own to try and work out what is is you want and how to go about it. I would also suggest relationship counselling would be a great place to start for if you are looking to rebuild your relationship, if you're both unsure, or even if you're looking to break up and have dependants. orous but not being honest about their relationships then this is just cheating. Being gay or bi doesn't mean that you are going Other Resources: Esther Perel has some amazing resources around infidelity and relationships - https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?si=OQ6ASkuapJ7OcKRQ https://www.estherperel.com/podcast Find a therapist via COSRT - https://www.cosrt.org.uk/search-members/ Find a therapist with Relate and access resources - https://www.relate.org.uk/ https://www.wondermind.com/article/how-to-stop-overthinking-after-being-cheated-on/ How to have a conversation around wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries - How to use the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord Want to start work with me? check my availability here:

There are so many different types of therapy that you can choose from in the private practice world and from some services provided from organisations. I have created a flowchart allowing you to get an idea of what type of approach might suit you, but do bear in mind there are many other approaches to what I have outlined here and it is best to use this flow chart with an idea of what you would want to go to therapy for. When you get to slide 4 ("taking a closer look") you are able to click on the answer that suits you to jump to the correct section. Last few slides text in case you missed them... There are so many different approaches to counselling - to make this I used https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/types-of-therapy/ to give an overview of a few of the most common forms of counselling in the UK. As said at the beginning this is just a loose guide to what approach may suit you depending on your preferences, however the most important factor that has been found by many studies is the relationship you have with the therapist you have. My approach, you ask? I am an integrative therapist which means I combine a couple of different approaches to suit the issues you bring as a client and how you work. My approach involves a lot of collaboration with you and exploring what you want to get out of the sessions with managed expectations. I use person centred core conditions as my base which is to hold the client in a space with empathy, unconditional positive regard and congruence. I also follow the guidance of Egan’s skilled helper model - you can find a description of this here - this allows for exploration of what’s going on for you, to look at what could be different and challenging these processes, to how you can make change going forward. If you have any questions around this feel free to get in touch with me. Remember as the client you have the right to choose your therapist, if you feel your therapist isn’t the right fit for you talk to them about it and talk through your options, it may be something that you can resolve in the sessions. I hope this helps!

First of all, what is Relationship Anarchy? A relationship anarchist doesn't adhere their relationships to societal norms or even labels. Each relationship will be its own individual and unique dynamic that works for the partners involved, which includes platonic and romantic relationships too. The term was coined by Andie Nordgren in 2006 via her Relationship Anarchy Manifesto . Nordgren proposes that even though Western society has started to shift allowing a more varied and accepted types of relationships (divorce, premarital sex, same-sex relationships, interracial relationships etc.) there are still norms on what these romantic relationships, and 'valid' love 'should' look like to fit with the societal norm. Breaking away from these norms can be difficult, especially if you don't really have others around you who are breaking away too! So, Nordgren published her manifesto to outline some points of reflection for those thinking of living as a RA. The manifesto comprises of: Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique  - love is not a finite resource, we can love multiple people at the same time in different ways. "Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them" Love and respect instead of entitlement - This is about trusting and respecting someone else's decisions, letting them have their autonomy without compromise or demands, allowing the relationship to be mutual. "Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship." Find your core set of relationship values -  Finding your own set of core values that you can apply to your relationships. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you  - Being secure in your relationships without being swayed by others who may question the validity of the relationship due to it differing from the 'social norm'. Build for the lovely unexpected  - Being able to meet each other where you're at without the demands of shoulds or threat of punishment. Fake it til’ you make it - essentially visualising the core beliefs and way of being you want for yourself and being able to find strength within yourself to follow that even when things feel difficult. Trust is better -  "Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship." Change through communication  - "Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart — not as a state of emergency only brought out to solve “problems”." Being open and explicit about what is going on for yourself, your wants and desires too. Trying not to leave what is said open to interpretation. If you're wanting to break away from the norms, then you need to be able to communicate how this will look for you and others involved. Customize your commitments  - "Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything — it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you..".  I really want to highlight this quote because I think this is core to RA. It isn't about being reckless and lawless, but it's about doing things in your own way - or a joint way - which isn't dictated by others. Nordgren, A. (2006). The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy. https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/andie-nordgren-the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship-anarchy   Okay, so what's the RA Smorgasbord? This is the RA smorgasbord; it allows you to sit down with someone you have a connection with and look at what you want your relationship to look like, kind of like adding items onto a shared plate. The idea is that you can 'design' the relationship based on mutual beliefs, expectations, responsibilities etc. Mutual in this case is if both/all parties agree on a 'facet'. From:   https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ole-martin-moen-aleksander-sorlie-the-ethics-of-relationship-anarchy There are other versions out there now of this too which adapt and add some things to think about when having this conversation with your connections, such as Maxx Hill's version 6: Maxx Hill has their updated versions here . The link takes you to a google docs link for lots of language options for the above image as well as an amazing spreadsheet to help you with these conversations! So do check it out. Whilst these were created for RA, I can see this being a really useful tool for any relationship in looking at what you both want, need, and expect from your relationship and if you match up in that way or if further conversation needs to be had on what it might look like without matching up. I call this having a relationship audit. A chance to take stock of how you're both feeling in the relationship, what's working and feels safe, what's missing, and maybe what doesn't feel so good or safe. It may be that you do this as a one-off check in every year or so, or it may be that you do minor check ins more frequently throughout your relationship so you can stay on the same page and get into any conversations without it building up - though of course, there's no requirement to schedule this kind of conversation in! So, how do we have this conversation? You could let the conversation happen organically and use the bord as a guide of topics that you're both drawn to. You could go through the bord section by section, so you cover everything and acknowledge if something doesn't feel relevant to you all. Personally, I would suggest taking some time to sit with the bord individually at first. Go through it, thinking about your connection with the other person(s); think about about what you would want in this connection, what you need, and what you expect (non-negotiable). Get a pen and paper and list out your wants, needs, and expectations. You could do this by creating a table with a column for each or it may be that you bullet point each section of the smorgasbord and colour code the want , need , and expectation . So it could look like: Wants Needs Expectations Emotional Intimacy Words of affection, especially in moments where reassurance is needed To check in with each other often Companionship Intellectual discussions Playfulness, comfort To have a day for quality time a week Domestic To share a sleeping space with each other majority of the week To share meals with each other a couple of times a week To live in the same house Once you have this together you can then join up and go through each others lists and talk about how this will look between you both. What are wants, needs, and expectations? Want - A want is something that you would like to have with your connection. It is a desired facet of your relationship that can maybe be compromised on or not met as often - though frequency on this not being met will be different for everyone. They're not things that can be ignored completely but they're not something that are essential to the core of the connection. Need - This is something that feels fundamental to the connection. Meeting each others needs is what makes a relationship feel compatible and safe. We might not be able to meet every need but it is important to consider them and if you can't meet them what this means for the relationship as some needs will be non-negotiable. Expectations - in a way your expectations are how you're both going to meet each others wants and needs and if these are realistic and reasonable on each other. They create the boundaries of your relationship and the way in which you will "be" with each other. What if our wants are different? If your wants and needs are different it is good to talk about whether they are things you feel able to commit to for each other. It might be that your partner wants you to share a meal 3 times a week. This isn't necessarily a need for you but it's about whether you feel able to commit to this need, or what it might look like if you don't feel able to do that. Try not to get defensive with each other. This isn't about hurting the other person, it's about looking at how your relationship is working and how you can continue to make it work for you both/all. If you really don't feel that sharing meals is something you can commit too, then try to look at if this need can be met in other ways. What is it about sharing a meal that feels like a need? Is this something that can be done in a different way? Or by someone else (friendships or other relationships)? Hopefully through the conversation you can find a way to meet each others wants and needs and if not look at how you can manage those wants and needs in different ways. What about needs & expectations? Needs & Expectations will need a similar conversations but it may be that if we can't meet our connections needs and expectations that the relationship isn't compatible in that way. This doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship but it may mean reframing what this relationship is to you both. e.g. if one partner had the need & expectation that you would be exclusive with each other and not see anyone else sexually, but you wanted to be open sexually, it will mean having a deeper conversation of what you both want your relationship to look like and if there's a way you could both be comfortable on being completely exclusive, one of you being exclusive to the other and the other being open sexually, or whether there doesn't feel a middle ground and so you need to deescalate your relationship to look differently where you both get what you need - this may mean not having a sexual relationship anymore but still having an emotional connection, maybe friendship, maybe break up completely. Final thoughts: The relationship smorgasbord is an amazing resource for any relationship at any stage. If you enjoyed this post and want to know more about relationship diversity and navigating them, check out my Beginners Guide to Non-Monogamy and if you're a therapist check out my CPD on Working with Non-Monogamous Clients Check out my Instagram for posts on relationship diversity, chronic illness, sexuality, neurodivergence, and mental health 💚

It can be quite an intimidating experience to have therapy for the first time and not really knowing what to expect. I do have a couple of other posts around what to expect and the process but I thought I would also cover some of the common green and red flags in a therapist. What are green and red flags? Green flags are healthy and positive behaviours and approaches that your therapist has allowing you to feel safe in their presence and showing they are working ethically with you in mind. Red flags are then behaviours and approaches that can cause harm and have a negative impact on you and your progress in therapy. Green and red flags may look different for each person, and your "hardline" of when to call it quits with a therapist may also look different, but there are some universal flags that shouldn't be ignored. Why they matter? As mentioned green flags are behaviours that allow you to feel safe in the therapy room and with your therapist. It is reported in many studies that the therapeutic relationship is one of the most important factors for a client having a positive outcome and long lasting impact from therapy. So knowing how a therapist should behave ethically within their work is important as well as understanding your own preferences to make sure you're comfortable and can engage. You are normally at a vulnerable point when seeking therapy, and so understanding what can be harmful behaviours from a therapist is important. Unfortunately therapy/counselling/psychotherapy isn't regulated in the UK and so anyone can call themselves a therapist! - I talk more about this in my blog post linked at the end of this post. Only certain titles are regulated under the HCPC such as Art Therapist. Whilst I would always encourage you to try and resolve things that pop up in therapy with your therapist, sometimes leaving and finding someone else is the best thing to do for yourself. What are some green flags in therapy? Affirming who you are and your experience - This doesn't mean agreeing with absolutely everything you say, but it means listening to your experience in the world, understanding it, and validating it. Therapists ideally have an understanding of intersectionality, in terms of how your identity and who you are in the world makes up your experiences. Affirming your experiences and your identity doesn't then mean your behaviour can't be challenged - both of these things can exist in parallel. E.g. as a white woman, I am not going to sit there and tell you your experience of racism isn't valid when you're a person of colour! Challenging your perspective, narratives, & behaviours - As above, we are not here to agree with everything you say (you have ChatGPT for that 😉). The point of therapy is to look inwards and explore what's going on - this can mean your therapist might challenge you. This can be done in a gentle way or can be more directive depending on your therapist and your preferences. Challenges allow you to reflect and grow. A challenge isn't necessarily your therapist telling you you're wrong, but is a curiosity of if there is a different way of behaving/thinking/reacting to a situation. They may be wrong and that's okay, you can tell them that. If you're feeling your therapist is challenging everything you say or do and trying to push you into an ideology they believe in then this can quickly turn into a red flag! Consistency - This isn't necessarily just turning up on time to sessions but how your therapist shows up to sessions. Part of the therapy work is the relationship between you and the therapist, and so consistency is a big part in this as it builds structure, trust, and safety in the space. It may be An occasional off session or being late or cancellation is okay, life happens and we do our best to contain it, but if you're therapist is consistently inconsistent this isn't holding their professional boundaries too well and may drift into a red flag, too. Able to take criticism - Your therapist isn't always going to be right, we're not infallible! And you're absolutely allowed to tell us when we get things wrong. If you're therapist responds well to you telling them what is/isn't working, if something they said didn't sit right with you, the approach isn't working etc. then this is a green flag (If they get defensive and double down, this could turn into a red flag, too). Meeting you where you are rather than pushing you into what they feel you "should" be - Your therapist will hopefully go at your speed. Yes, of course you want to move forward, but first the therapist needs to meet you where your at, to get an understanding of your experience before you can do the work on moving forward. E.g. if a client tells me they have a stressful week and so don't want to go into anything heavy, I will absolutely respect that and follow their lead on what they bring. Continuing with CPD - CPD is often a requirement of professional membership bodies and is so that we stay up to date with relevant and recent research and developments in therapy. This allows us to make sure we're working with you and able to be informed on the content you bring to us. Having their own therapy - Part of most ethical frameworks require you to keep on top of self-care. A big part of this can be having our own therapy for continued personal growth, maintenance of mental health, and to have space for anything that may have come up for us from sessions that we may not have realised before. This allows us to then hold our own stuff separately so we can be there for you in your space. Sense of humour - this is more of a personal red flag, but I feel like therapists who allow themselves in the room and can have a laugh can be a great way of connecting and easing you into the space. There is a nuance here of it shouldn't all be laughs and so it needs to be in context and not avoidant of the hard work. E.g. if a client is using self depricaring humour I won't join in and may even challenge it, but if it's humour in other ways I will absolutely embrace this. As you can see most of the green flags are pretty context dependant and can turn into red flags is not managed well. What are some red flags in therapy? Giving Advice - Much to common belief, a therapist shouldn't really be giving you advice. The point of therapy is to empower you to help yourself, and so giving you advice bypasses this. Your therapist may suggest things to help with coping or techniques but this is never a requirement. Your therapist might also look to explore a fantasy or options around a situation but again this isn't advice but just looking at what can be possible and allowing you to then make up your own mind on how to manage it. E.g. I might suggest trying a thoughts log in the week to notice what your inner narrative is saying and the it's up to you to do that. Another e.g. I'm not going to tell you how to respond to someone, but I might explore different ways you could respond and leave it to you to decide. Work past their limits - As mentioned in the green flags self-care is important when working as a therapist, and so knowing what our limits are when working is important. For me this is knowing certain bits of work I'm not able to hold, having a limited amount of clients per day and then per week, making sure I have time in between sessions to decompress etc. If a therapist isn't taking time to know their limits it can end up meaning they will get burnt out and/or be inconsistent in how they show up to you. Shame & judge you - Of course, everyone makes judgements, it's human to do so, but your therapist shouldn't be shaming you for what you bring to the session or outwardly judge you either. E.g. a therapist that calls you names "overdramatic", "daft", "too sensitive" etc. shouldn't be happening. A therapist should have different ways of looking at behaviour without shaming you in this way. Make Sexual advances or pursue a relationship with you - The therapeutic relationship is a bit of a one sided one, it is our profession, so it is a professional relationship with certain boundaries. This means we aren't your friend or can we be involved with our clients in a romantic or sexual way. You may be friendly with each other in sessions as you build a relationship but the relationship remains in the confines of the therapy space. Meeting outside of sessions for coffee, a chat, or anything else isn't part of this relationship and I would caution you if your therapist suggests this to not accept. Contact with your therapist should also be boundaried, e.g. I allow clients to message me in between sessions as a holding space for anything that is going on they want to look at next session but want to write it out and send it to me in the meantime, to contact me about rearranging or cancelling sessions, or if they're looking for extra sessions. However we don't contact each other for anything else. It may be that feelings are developed between you that go past the therapeutic relationship, if you develop feelings for your therapist you can absolutely bring this into session to discuss and explore as part of your work as it can be meaningful work - but - your therapist should never take advantage of this or express reciprocation of romantic feelings. If a therapist were to have romantic feelings for a client they should discuss this in their supervision as to how to hold this separate to your work and how to work best with your interests as a priority - it may be that they're picking up of something in the work but again this is something to explore in their supervision rather than bring to you directly. Over share their own experiences taking the focus off you - Disclosure in therapy is a balance where the therapist is involved. Some disclosure in the right way - for your benefit - can work really well and build in the connection and therapeutic relationship, however if your therapist is sharing too much, sharing inappropriate material, or making the session about them, this is absolutely a red flag and a therapist not holding their boundaries. E.g. I once had a therapist ask me what my gym was like and how much it was as they've thought of joining it too....rather than focusing on my experience of it! That felt really uncomfortable in the moment. Push you to share your experience - Your therapist should take therapy at your pace, even if their approach is more directive and goal orientated. If you're seeing a therapist for trauma, for example, you only have to disclose this if and when you feel ready and comfortable to do so. Each client is different in how long this might take for them to feel safe enough to do, and your therapist should know this. If you say "no", your therapist needs to hear this. They might explore what's going on for you to say no, i.e. is it too difficult, is it not yet trusting, is it avoidance, etc. but to share the actual details should follow consent! Are there any more you think I'm missing? Let me know in the comments! Further Reading: Finding the "right" therapist - not sure where to start? Check out my other post around looking for a therapist and questions you might ask them. https://www.bacp.co.uk/media/11061/bacp-when-therapy-goes-wrong-client-information-sheet-march-21.pdf https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-find-a-good-therapist.htm The ethical framework I follow - https://ncps.com/about-us/code-of-ethics

AI seems to be everywhere at the moment, and therapy is no exception. I’ve been noticing more and more "Therapy AIs" emerging, with people using chat AI as their "therapist." So, I wanted to explore the reality of using AI as a therapist in this blog. (Even as I’m typing this, I have "content AI" popping up, offering to write my post for me! No, I didn’t use it. Yes, I used dashes.) I have countless conversations about AI, and I wanted to put something together that looks at it holistically within the mental health field. There are definitely benefits to AI and how it can be used, but there are also some serious downfalls and limitations. With the rapid development of AI, I’m sure this post will be outdated soon! Still, I think it’s important to examine this topic now, as many people are turning to AI as a replacement for therapy. I've condensed my thoughts into a pros and cons table and will delve into each point throughout this post. However, it’s not always as simple as just being a pro or a con when we look at it in context: Pros Cons Accessible Agreeable Practical Solutions Environmental Impact Anonymity Hallucinations Access to Resources/Knowledge No Safeguard GDPR/Confidentiality Bias of Programming Decline of Critical Thinking The Illusion of Connection Before diving into the pros and cons, it’s crucial to understand what AI and therapy are. This context will help us grasp the discussion better. What is AI? AI stands for Artificial Intelligence. It’s technology that simulates human intelligence. IBM describes it as, "Artificial intelligence (AI) is technology that enables computers and machines to simulate human learning, comprehension, problem-solving, decision-making, creativity, and autonomy." Honestly, I know the basics of AI from conversations with friends in tech and security. As I learn more, I find myself pushed out of my comfort zone. It’s not something I feel entirely comfortable with, and I often find myself getting annoyed with it! 😅 For this post, I’ll focus on AI chatbots, programmes, and apps that people have started using as replacements for human-based therapy. This type of AI is designed to mimic human connection, offer programmed empathy, identify patterns in language to find solutions, and use its dataset to respond to your questions. It works by looking for patterns in communication and responds based on probability of what the wording should look like based on its training data - this is a very over simplified explanation, to learn more about LLMs and how they work check out this article - https://medium.com/data-science-at-microsoft/how-large-language-models-work-91c362f5b78f What is Therapy? Therapy is a broad topic with many approaches and definitions that vary by country and culture. I personally use "therapy" and "counselling" interchangeably. In the UK, unfortunately, there isn’t any lawful regulation for these titles. In my FAQs , I describe therapy as, "Counselling is an empathetic, non-judgemental, and safe space in which you can explore any emotions, feelings, situations, or thoughts that are prominent in your life. As your therapist, I am here to help bring new perspectives to situations you may be facing in order to help you to help yourself. Counselling can help with developing ways of coping going forward, look at changing patterns in life, look at managing your boundaries in relation to other relationships, but ultimately is a self-development journey. I once heard that 'therapy is an investment in yourself,' where you have 50 minutes set aside purely for yourself each week." Now that we have that context… The Pros of AI as Therapy Accessible AI offers several accessibility benefits for therapy: Cost-Effective: Many AI services are free, which is a huge draw for people today. If I could offer therapy to unlimited people for free while still making a living, I absolutely would! But, being human, and having chronic illnesses that limit my capacity, it’s just not feasible. While some services and charities provide free or low-cost sessions, they often come with limitations, such as a restricted number of sessions or long waitlists due to high demand. 24/7 Availability: AI is available around the clock, eliminating wait times. This can be a relief when you’re distressed or facing an immediate issue. However, this constant availability can contradict one of therapy's aims: empowering clients to help themselves. As therapists, we maintain professional boundaries for our own self-care and to encourage clients to practice coping skills in their daily lives. Each therapist’s boundaries will vary, so access will look different for everyone. Physical Accessibility: You can access AI therapy anywhere you have a device, which is a game changer for those with mobility issues. It can also be used via text or speech, eliminating the need to find a therapist who uses BSL, for example. While accessibility has improved since the lockdowns, the combination of these factors makes AI a more convenient option. There are no cancellation fees, no need to stick to a specific day or time, and you don’t have to present yourself in a particular way. This reduces some of the responsibilities that come with a human therapeutic relationship. As shown in this study - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11488652/ Practical Solutions Therapists aren’t trained to give direct advice. We might suggest what could work, but there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. AI, however, doesn’t have this framework. I find the best use for AI is as a tool. It can offer practical solutions to situations, which can be beneficial, especially in moments of distress. Of course, there are limitations, which I’ll discuss in the cons section, but when you need immediate help, AI can be useful. This study shows how effective AI can be in developing personalised treatment plans for clients in a mental health setting - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2949916X24000525 Anonymity A significant part of therapy involves sharing vulnerable aspects of yourself, which can be daunting. AI allows for some anonymity, as you’re not physically in front of another human. Research into text-based therapies shows that some clients feel more comfortable sharing via text due to this anonymity. This can be particularly beneficial for gender-questioning clients, trans and non-binary clients, those with body dysmorphia, and individuals with social anxiety. I’ve written more about email therapy here . Access to Resources and Knowledge When using an AI chatbot as a therapist, it has access to a vast dataset of resources from the internet. This dataset is usually larger than what a single human therapist can provide, giving you more options for coping strategies and practical solutions. The Cons of AI as Therapy Agreeableness Many AI chatbots are programmed to be agreeable. They aim to keep users engaged, which is necessary when discussing vulnerabilities. However, being agreeable to everything—even when it’s not truthful—can be harmful and isn’t what therapy is about. A human therapist creates a non-judgmental space but can challenge views and perceptions, fostering personal growth. Self-reflection is crucial in therapy, and while AI can create an echo chamber of affirmation, it lacks this essential element. This can be particularly dangerous when clients seek to make harmful decisions, such as discontinuing mental health medications or engaging in risky behaviours. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/agreeable-ai-dilemma-why-chatgpt-sometimes-tells-us-what-chad-wolpert-rga4e/ https://designlab.com/blog/the-ux-of-ai-chatbots Environmental Impact The environmental impact of AI is significant and multifaceted. As AI becomes more widely used, its energy consumption and reliance on data centres are expected to worsen. This includes the energy needed for AI operations, the water used for cooling systems, and the waste from broken or damaged equipment, which often contains hazardous materials. by 2030 AI will use as much energy as Japan uses now. training AI is like taking 300 return flights from New York to San Francisco. generating AI images creates 1,594g of CO2. 20-50 questions on ChatGPT use half a litre of fresh water.](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/6ea4eb_8af27d1f342c4778add87a61828199ef~mv2.avif "From: https://thesustainableagency.com/blog/environmental-impact-of-generative-ai/") https://news.mit.edu/2025/explained-generative-ai-environmental-impact-0117 https://earth.org/the-green-dilemma-can-ai-fulfil-its-potential-without-harming-the-environment/ Hallucinations AI hallucinations occur when AI provides answers it believes to be accurate, but they are actually false. It’s crucial to verify what AI tells you, as it isn’t always correct. Learn more about AI hallucinations here. This can be particularly harmful in therapy, leading to misdiagnoses or misleading coping strategies. These happen due to the probability element we talked about at the beginning of this post, another term that is interesting is enshittification, in that the more misinformation there is out there - specifically in the data training sets - the more hallucinations will happen. This can be a downward spiral with how current LLMs are set up where they can't distinguish fact, from opinion, from false information. No Safeguard Different AI bots have varying levels of safeguarding. For example, apps like Wysa are designed specifically for mental health and aim to escalate situations to human support when a threat to life is detected. In contrast, general AI apps like ChatGPT lack safeguards, which can lead to vulnerable individuals going unnoticed and missing out on necessary support. *This is now changing due to lawsuits that have been raised from the harm caused from LLMs and so some safeguards are being added, however their balance between safeguarding and privacy aren't always on point with chats being monitored and information being sent to police in some situations. Human therapists have ethical responsibilities to break confidentiality if they believe someone is at risk of harming themselves or others. Unfortunately, some people turn to AI because they’ve lost trust in medical institutions and mental health professionals. GDPR/Confidentiality General AI chatbots typically lack confidentiality clauses. This may differ for mental health-specific chats, so it’s essential to check on an individual basis. If an AI uses what you type as part of its training, there’s a chance that your input could be shared with others. Always review the privacy policy of AI apps and mental health services, as there have been instances of companies sharing client data to train AI. Read more about confidentiality issues here. Bias of Programming AI can carry human biases from the algorithms it’s programmed with or the data it’s trained on. Given that medical and mental health professions already have systemic biases, there’s a risk that AI therapy bots could perpetuate this harm unless actively trained to counteract stigma. When combined with misinformation and agreeableness, this can lead to individuals feeling worse than before. There’s a danger that people may become even more isolated from human connection and lose confidence in others. Learn more about algorithmic bias here. Decline of Critical Thinking As mentioned earlier, part of therapy is empowering clients to think for themselves. Recent research suggests that relying on AI can diminish our critical thinking skills. The more we offload our thought processes to AI, the less we engage them, leading to a decline in our ability to apply critical thinking in daily life. Read more about this research here. Explore further implications here. Illusion of Connection The therapeutic relationship is one of the most crucial elements for positive outcomes in therapy. Research suggests that this relationship can be more important than the specific approach used by the professional ( source ). While AI can create rapport through its programming, the empathy it offers is an illusion based on pattern recognition and response training. Relying on AI for emotional support can lead to difficulties in forming human connections, potentially resulting in AI loneliness. Learn more about AI loneliness here. My Personal Suggestions I’ve tried to present a balanced view. Some benefits of AI come with limitations, and some limitations can have benefits. The industry is rapidly evolving, making it challenging to definitively answer the question, "Can AI really replace therapy?" In short, I would say no—not yet. However, this answer may change as AI continues to develop. I believe AI can provide comfort in times of need, especially when other options feel inaccessible. However, using AI should be a considered and intentional choice. Here are some thoughts on its usage: Check the privacy policy to ensure your data is secure before sharing information. Use AI as a tool alongside human therapy rather than as a replacement. Don’t rely on AI for emotional support; let it fill gaps in your support network, like late-night moments when no one else is available. Always verify the information AI provides; don’t trust it blindly. Encourage AI to disagree with you, so it doesn’t just echo your thoughts. You may need to remind it each time, depending on the AI's memory. Consider the environmental impact of your usage and whether you’re comfortable with it. Try to understand your emotions and thoughts independently. If you’re still struggling, use AI as a backup rather than your primary resource. Don't share anything you wouldn't want anyone else to know - there have been data leaks from AI chats. I won’t dictate whether you "should" or "shouldn’t" use AI as a therapist replacement; that’s ultimately your choice. If you do choose to use it, I hope this post helps you do so cautiously and safely. Further Reading Exploring the Dangers of AI in Mental Health Care Why AI Isn’t a Magic Bullet for Mental Health AI and Its Cognitive Implications What You Need to Know About AI Research Briefing on AI Wondering where to start with looking for a human therapist? Check out my post on finding the 'right' therapist here. Want to know if I have availability? Go to my bookings page here.