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You might be asking yourself "what is email therapy?" and "how does it work?". This blog post will go through all of this from start to finish - this is how I have set up my own practice, other people may have a different way of working so it is always good to check this out. What is email therapy? Email therapy is a form of written text based therapy. It is asynchronous in its delivery which means that there is a time delay in sending your email with what you're looking to explore and then receiving your therapists response. Email therapy has many pros and cons, similar to other types of therapy: Pros Cons Flexibility - allowing for time to write the email before the "deadline" so can fit around changeable commitments rather than leading to cancelations or needing to postpone. This is particularly useful for those with shift work or those of use with disabilities or chronic illnesses that may be unpredictable in how they impact us on a day to day basis. No immediate response - if you're in a moment of distress with a situation you won't be in your therapists presence to guide you through that in the moment, but instead will have to wait. Time to reflect and form a response - you will get your therapists email and have time to reflect on the words before writing your next sessions content. This can be useful for neurodivergent or anxious individuals who might want to take time over their choice of words. This can be a negative for some people. May not feel comfortable or safe - As above, you may be left with some difficult feelings to navigate with only written text rather than the physical or vocal presence of someone which can feel unsafe or uncomfortable for some people. Doesn't rely on physical appearance or vocal cues - there is an element of anonymity with email therapy where you do not need to rely or be perceived by your physical and vocal facets, e.g. for trans individuals with dysphoria this can be liberating to not have to present in any type of way but instead just focus on the words they want to express themselves. Word limit might feel constrictive - most therapists will have a word limit on emails to allow for enough time to process and reflect. We will still allocate our time to these sessions akin to video, phone, or face-to-face. And so the word limit allows for a therapist and client to keep some time boundary on the sessions. Chance for equal exchanges - Due to the exchange being email where client will send and therapist will respond, there is a much more equal chance of response, whereas with video, phone, or face-to-face therapy there can be a risk of the client or therapist taking up majority of the space to talk. Can be miscommunications in reference to tone and meaning - as with any text based communication, tone and meaning tends to be inferred and this can lead to misunderstanding and miscommunication. This absolutely can be worked through in sessions, but it needs both therapist and client to be able to keep this awareness when reading, reflecting, and replying. How does it work practically? Your therapist will have their own way of working and will hopefully outline this in a contract or with some form of guidance. But the basics are: You will set up a secure email address to use for your therapy exchanges - your therapist will also have theirs set up. You will then have a day & time for each week to send your email by. You can write the email at any time in the space between your day/time and your therapists last response, but you send your email by the agreed day/time. If you don't manage to send your email in time, this would be a missed session, and your therapist may not reply to you due to having time allocated for other clients and downtime. My process is to manage this on a case by case basis. If you go over your word limit, your therapist may only respond to what they are able to in their allocated time. My word limit for emails is 750 words as on average, with reflection, this will fill a 50 min time slot similar to my other video and phone clients. Your therapist will then outline when they will send their reply - my framework is within 48 working hours of your set day & time. If you're unable to take time for a session in a week then you should still email your therapist to let them know you won't "make" the session that week. I still have expectations outlined around being in a quiet and confidential space for when you are reading and replying to emails, confidentiality still being respected, what happens in terms of late/missed sessions, when payments are to be made by etc. and so I still require potential clients to have a consultation with myself to go through the contract, what they're looking for from therapy, and if they have any questions. I do offer these through a one-off video/phone consultation or it can be done via the chat function in the Google Meet session so that we are talking in immediate responses. How does it end? I ask for 2 weeks notice for sessions to end regardless of the medium we are meeting in. I do this as it gives us a chance to round off the work we have been doing and allow a chance for a positive ending experience (hopefully!). Summary Email therapy hasn't had a massive amount of research done into it yet as with other modes of e-therapy, they are in their infancy. However, the research that has taken place has found that email therapy can be just as effective in creating a therapeutic relationship and having positive outcomes in therapy as face-to-face therapy. It can allow a safe space for clients to write out their emotions, feelings, experiences, and situations they have gone through and are going through, it allows clients to feel heard and build a therapeutic relationship with the therapist too. My Experience: I have worked with many organisations in text-based support. A lot of the time this has been live text based support where there is chance for immediate responses. I joined the Samaritan' s as a Listening Volunteer back in my first year of University which gave me intense training and experience in phone call support but also email support, which was asynchronous support. I later had the honour of working with The Mix , in their Counselling Team where I offered therapy via phone call and live text based support, where I was able to build therapeutic relationships with individuals offering a fairly solution focused approach within 4-8 sessions. I also worked with GriefChat and BIMM offering live text based support on a one-off basis, dealing with immediate distress and situations. So how can I help? All of this work has given me experience in building therapeutic relationships with individuals via written text, to hold a safe space for you as the client to share, explore, process, and reflect on what's going on for you. It can be amazing at how quickly text based support feels safe and gives the ability to put into words something you don't feel able to say out loud. You are able to take your time in typing out what is going on for you, in a process of bringing the internal, from your head, through your body to the external, in typing the words out and sending them off. As mentioned above in the post this can be especially helpful for individuals struggling to present a certain way, and so it can take the pressure off your physical expression and allow focus to the situation and feelings. I work with identity mostly - this means I am GSRD (Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity) affirming, fat-affirming, Neurodivergence affirming, and disability & chronic illness affirming too. I want to work with YOU, you as a whole on who you are in this world, the relationship to your self, and then how this influences your experience in this life. You can find out more about me and how I work via the highlighted links. Thinking of trying it? Complete this form and I will be in touch with the next steps. You can also check out my FAQ's and If you're still left with questions get in touch with me via info@emilyduffytherapy.co.uk

Before going into this post, I think it's important to acknowledge that if a relationship is between consenting adults, then it is valid in whatever form that takes. This post isn't to say that monogamy or ethical/consensual non-monogamy are right or wrong in whatever way but is about gaining an understanding of the different types of ENM relationships there are and supporting those who are curious. What is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)? Ethical Non-Monogamy (or Consensual Non-Monogamy) is an umbrella term to cover all different relationship types that don't conform to westernised monogamous relationship style i.e., relationships can be between multiple people to varying degrees, rather than being an exclusive couple (2 people in a relationship with only each other). Types of ethical non monogamous relationships: Open relationships - where a relationship has the guideline that dating, sexual contact, and/or romantic contact can happen outside of the primary relationship i.e., being open to other relationships. This can be true of one or all individuals in the relationship e.g., one person may be monogamous, but the other is polyamorous and open to other partners. Swinging - Where people in a relationship are primarily open to sexual experiences through parties, events, or exchanging partners with another couple. Swinging is often planned and seen as event based rather than being open all the time. Relationship anarchy - where there are no set guidelines on what the relationship is other than what is agreed between each partner. Taking the relationships out of the set constructs allowing there to be no expectations of what the relationship will be/where it will go. Polyamory - being open to having multiple relationships at the same time. This can be where there is no set hierarchy, or it can be where couples have a primary relationship which they date outside of. Polyamorous relationships can also be a mix of romantic or sexual relationships. Polyfidelity - where members in a polyamorous relationship will not date, have romantic partners or sexual partners outside of the members in the current relationship e.g., three people in a relationship making a triad and being committed solely to each other. Monogamish - where a monogamous couple will occasionally open their relationship under certain circumstances as agreed with each other. E.g. 'hall pass' idea, going to a sex club together etc. Myths about ENM relationships: "ENM is just an excuse to cheat" - this is one of the common myths that comes up when talking about most ENM relationships. There's a significant difference between polyamory and cheating... Cheating is a deception and break in trust between partners which can happen in any type of relationship. Polyamory is agreed relationships between partners which is open and honest, and where boundaries are respected. Cheating can still happen in Polyamorous relationships when someone is dishonest about their actions or hide relationships. Cheating will be classed as different things in different relationships as it's dependant on the boundaries you feel outline your relationship e.g. for some watching porn alone is considered cheating whereas for others this is okay within their relationship. "ENM is just people addicted to sex" - is actually really offensive and very presumptuous. Just because someone has multiple partners doesn't necessarily mean they are having sexual relations with all of them. Relationships in ENM can be purely romantic in a non-sexual form. This myth can be dismissive of individuals on the ace spectrum who may not want sexual relationships. "Told you it wouldn't work" or "it's not sustainable" - This isn't helpful to tell anyone let alone it be true. Just think of how many marriages end in divorce, or how many relationships break up. Just because someone is in more than one relationship doesn't necessarily mean it won't work for any other reason than in monogamous relationships. "You're just filling a void", "one partner is all you need", or "you're just with the wrong person" - again these are very misguided comments made to individuals in ENM relationships. We all have different needs; however we are responsible for our own needs. If someone meets them that's amazing, but it is not their responsibility! As Esther Perel has once said - "Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So, we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide." More likely to contract STDs - This is actually quite the opposite for individuals who are conscientious about their own health and their partners. Many individuals in ENM relationships will have frequent STD checks as well as using contraception to minimise risk where possible. As with monogamy and the initial phases of dating, this is a very individual thing and will depend on the person you are dating. Engaging in ENM means you don't value anyone or is a form of avoiding intimacy i.e. "you're just bored", "so you can't commit to X then?" - If anything, engaging in ENM is an expansion of intimacy and commitment to multiple people. Having more than one relationship doesn't take away from the other relationship, it is just a parallel relationship. Each relationship will differ between each individual, there will be different needs, expectations, and boundaries for the relationships. ENM relationships take ALOT of communication (& scheduling) to make sure everyone involved is happy with the relationship and where it's going. There will always be people who don't hold value to others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or in an ENM relationship. The obstacles and difficulties you may face with ENM? Jealousy - Understandably jealousy is a massive factor in why a lot of people don't explore ENM relationships even if they're curious. It is seen as an awful or 'wrong' emotion to have; however, jealousy is a chance to look inward and assess what is going on for you. Quite often jealousy is fear and comparison based e.g. "what if they love X more than me?", "What if they leave me for X?", "they're out having fun and I'm stuck here" etc. Jealousy is a completely natural & human emotion which is trying to tell us something that we need to take note of - maybe you're feeling like your needs aren't being met - if so it's a chance to reflect on what it is you do need and how you can overcome that. Opening up from a monogamous relationship - this can be a real challenge and some people find it to feel quite threatening even though they want to be ENM. There is a lot to navigate and will bring up a lot of emotions (not all bad). As with jealousy, you may feel upset, elated, joyous, angry, anxious, excited, invigorated, scared etc. all of which have their place and will help guide you in the process to work out your boundaries and what you are comfortable with. The fantasy of ENM doesn't always match the reality so it is good to try and manage your expectations from the start and really talk with your partner about how it might look and what you're feeling at each step. Some people find having relationship counselling or individual counselling at this stage really useful as opening up a relationship does take a lot of talking and internal reflection as well as communication with your partner on where you both stand. Rejection from support network - A big thing I deal with, with clients, and that I hear a lot of in the community is "I can't tell my family/friends about this as they will reject me or won't understand". This is a very individual and personal experience; we can never predict how someone is going to react to what we tell them so we need to look at what we can control. It is worth thinking about what you want out of your life and then whether this feels achievable. Whatever your relationship looks like, you need to consider what is right for you within that. There are many people who are completely open with being in ENM relationships, on the same spin there are many who only tell a select few about their relationships for fear of judgement and to protect themselves but this works for them, so long as you're open with your partner about where you stand on this! Dating - Dating is a big draw back for many people as they may have had a bad experience in the past. Dating can feel daunting at the best of times, let alone when you're putting yourself out there as someone who is in ENM relationship(s). There are plenty of success stories though from dating sites when disclosing your relationship status (Okay Cupid being one of the better ones currently). Similarly, to the above, it's worth thinking about what you want out of dating people, if you have the time, and if you want to be on dating sites. Stereotypes & misunderstanding in dating - There can be unfortunate misunderstandings within ENM dating - I've heard of people connecting with someone on a dating app and meeting only to be told they don't want anything other than a monogamous relationship - even though ENM was highlighted in their dating profile. It can be difficult for people disclosing both their sexuality and ENM status on dating sites (and in general) e.g. bi men will often be stereotyped as wanting to cheat on their partner, bi women can often be targeted by couples wanting a threesome etc. Unicorn hunting - This is very much frowned upon in the polyam community as it can be done in a harmful way. Unicorn hunting is where a couple is looking for a third person to join their relationship in a sexual way. Now, this can be done in an ethical & boundaried way where all people involved have a say and are treated equally, however there are also a lot of couples that do this whereby they are looking for essentially a 'sex object' where the third's feelings/wants/needs aren't considered, and this is where the community has an issue. Communication & boundaries - All relationships need to have communication in order to function at a base level. When looking at ENM relationships and communication this is so important to make sure everyone involved are on the same page, aware of their expectations, needs, boundaries, wants etc. Communication in this way isn't a one and done thing, it is a constant ongoing process that takes time, energy and attention. It will also need revisiting often in terms of boundaries where more partners are added to the relationships. Energy levels - it can be a case of jumping all in when starting ENM relationships, so it's good to take a step back and check in with yourself where your energy levels are and how much you can dedicate to another person. Within polyamory there is a term of being 'polysaturated' and this is where you have reached your limit of how many partners you can dedicate time and energy to. This will vary for each person, and it can even be true for those that are single as maybe you're dealing with a lot outside of relationships that is taking most of your energy! Being a 'newbie' within the community - A difficult and frustrating thing that can be found is a resistance from 'veteran'/'experienced' ENM individuals when looking to date or even offer guidance on relationships. This can be quite isolating and off-putting to a lot of people who are curious about ENM but not sure how to navigate it all. To any experienced ENM individuals out there reading this & who have the energy to do so, please try and include newbies into discussions and the community - you may just learn something from them too. Reminding everyone that ALL relationships are different, and just because you're new to having multiple relationships or an open relationship to some extent doesn't mean that you don't have an idea of what is involved or what is expected of you. Everyone's experiences are valid and hold meaning. Societal stigma - There is a negative stigma attached to non-monogamy in westernised societies due to the myths & stereotyping mentioned before. Stigma can unfortunately cause feelings of shame in those of us who hold value in others' opinions, so this is a big thing to take into consideration as it can bring up some difficult conversations and reflection on your self-worth and self-view. There is a societal view that a 'successful' relationship ends in marriage (of which our society sees as a pairing of 2 people) so it can take a lot to 'go against' this quite traditional standpoint especially if you don't know anyone else in an ENM relationship. It’s likely that this mislabelling of non-monogamous individuals comes from a lack of understanding of how these relationships function, as clearly, there is no basis for it." From - https://www.attachmentproject.com/enm/ Roots of ENM & roots of Monogamy? There is still so much ongoing research around past societies, how monogamy came about and where ENM fit within all of it too. It seems like for as long as there has been some form of monogamous standing in society there has also been ENM standing too. There are many theories as to why monogamy has become the 'norm' in our society, especially over the last 1000 years; this is a lot to do with economic advantages, religious influence, as well as procreation and offspring upbringing. There is also a heavy influence from romantic views, in modern society, that we have 'one true love', our 'other half', our 'soul mate' being out there and that our life is not complete without finding that person. This way of being is put on us from the very beginning of life with stories, movies, TV shows, and books; yet if we were to lose our partner, for whatever reason, many go on to find another partner and fall in love again. Recent studies have found that 1 in 5 people have experienced an ENM relationship at some point in their life and so it is clear that there is some draw to ENM relationships. This video explains it all really well and gives a broad overview of ENM in history - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgOZ4eNFWnQ However, asking the question whether monogamy/ENM relationships are 'natural' or 'normal' is complicated in itself as who is to say what is normal for all of humanity? More articles around the evolution of relationships/partner structures: https://getmaude.com/blogs/themaudern/brief-history-non-monogamy https://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2015/may/19/equality-and-polyamory-why-early-humans-werent-the-flintstones https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full Advice from the polyam community for those wanting to try an ENM relationship? "ENM for me is about not placing arbitrary restrictions on people I'm in a relationship with. Knowing that the quality of my relationship is not impacted by their other relationships. We have multiple friends, why not more than one intimate partner?" "Education! Read books, join help groups, talk to people with experience. Remember that a relationship can be whatever the people in the relationship chose it to be. So it's imperative that there's clear and constant communication." "I found having a supportive community around me of people in ENM relationships was super helpful, to be able to draw off of others' experiences, and understand more about how other people's relationships work." "It's not always an easy process, but each interaction is a chance to learn more about your current relationship and yourself. I you're willing to work through feelings that comes up and are patient with yourself, and your partners, ENM can be rewarding; but also know it's okay if doesn't work out for you" My advice: Do some reading around to get an informed view of what it is you're going into and think about what your boundaries might be. Reflect on what it is you're wanting and whys - what are you hoping to get out of it? what does it mean for you? why do you want to explore ENM? Why now? Take some time to look at yourself, how you express your emotions, and how you communicate - you will need to be able to do this for any relationship - and so it's important to get to grips with being open in this way. Weigh up your pros and cons (these will be different for everybody) for opening up to ENM relationships. Pros for ENM might be: 'compersion', freedom to live your life in the way you want, building the trust in relationships, feeling more fulfilled. Cons might be: Takes up time to schedule, takes up energy to communicate with multiple partners, jealousy, stigma, logistics of living & upbringing of children etc. Only you will know what feels right for you in your relationship. When bringing up ENM when in a monogamous relationship - have an idea of why you're bringing it up and what you want out of it, make sure to create a space where you listen to their side too. It is never going to be an easy conversation but as mentioned before we can't predict or control someone else's reactions. It might be worth writing down what it is you want to say and express, what it means for you, what you want out of it, offer reassurance if you're hoping to continue your current relationship, address ideas around boundaries and leave space for them to talk to. It will often be the case that this conversation is something you come back to a few times (and frequently after that) to allow for internal processing once you have an idea of how your partner has reacted and what it means to them. Be aware that you may be met with anger as it may feel like you're saying that they can't fulfil your needs, they're not good enough for you, you want someone else etc. so try to address this too and allow space for your partner to express their feelings around this (hopefully in a constructive way). On the flip side, if you're the monogamous person and your partner comes to you it can be really difficult to not feel anxious and sometimes threatened in the relationship. Try to find reassurance in that they are comfortable enough and feel safe to come to you with this information and express their feelings in this way. It is not an easy situation - forgive yourself for any feelings that may arise and if you need space to process it all, do say that you need that. As above, take some time to reflect on it all, how you feel with it, if it's something you would want for yourself, would you want to open the relationship up fully, would you be comfortable staying a monogamous partner whilst they open up their side, maybe this relationship isn't something you can continue and you would only feel comfortable in an exclusively monogamous relationship. Try not to write your partner off straight away, take some time to talk it through again and get mutual understanding on what you both feel is doable within your boundaries/wants/expectations and take it from there. It might be an idea to look into relationship counselling if you're both unsure of how to navigate the conversation but want to make the relationship work for you both, where possible (do check your counsellor is ENM inclusive). A relationship counsellor will be able to be an impartial voice, a safe space to talk your thoughts and feelings through, and may be able to offer some light guidance through reflection. If you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this: whatever structure of relationship you are in is valid providing it's consensual between all involved. Monogamy isn't for everyone, and neither is ENM; If we do only get this one life to live, try to live it for you and what you want out of it. Want to delve into this deeper check out my Beginners Guide to Non-Monogamy. Are you a Therapist, Counsellor, Psychotherapist, or Mental Health Professional and want to know more about working with Non-Monogamous Clients? Check out my online CPD course - here Further Resources: Websites: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html https://medium.com/polyamory-today https://poly.land/categories/start-here/ https://polypirat.es/explain/enm/ Books: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Polyamory-Relationships/dp/0399579664 - also on audible https://www.amazon.co.uk/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy/dp/1944934987 - also on audible Podcasts: http://polyweekly.com/ https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/ https://lovingwithoutboundaries.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chillpolyamory/ https://www.instagram.com/polypages/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamory_awareness/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamory_awareness/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamproud/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamfam/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamcomix/ https://www.instagram.com/polyamorousplatypus/ https://www.instagram.com/thepolyamoroustherapist/ Communities: I am hesitant to recommend any as many are big groups and so each persons experience of them will be different but some ideas of places to look that others have found useful: - Search "polyamory" on Facebook for groups you can join. - Reddit has many different subreddits around non-monogamy: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/ https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/ - Try looking on meetup for in person non monogamy groups: https://www.meetup.com/topics/polyamory/ - Discord is a wonderful online community space with many servers available to join: https://disboard.org/servers/tag/polyamory

Through my work a theme of peoples expectations on themselves and how they 'should' be dealing with grief has become apparent, they are often so unrealistic and add pressure on to ourselves to 'be better'. So, I wanted to demystify grief and what can happen for us in grief. This post includes: What is grief? How can I manage self expectations? What can I do to cope with grief? Further Resources Helplines What is grief? Grief is a complex mix of emotions that come about from a loss; the grief that we experience will be different to how others experience it as it is unique to the relationship we had with who we've lost. Because it is different for everyone it can be really difficult to describe exactly what grief is - it may be intense sadness leading to depression, it could be anger, feeling numb, feeling relieved, feeling guilty, shock, disbelief etc. Whatever it is you are feeling after losing someone is 100% valid and human, there is no right way to feel grief . The grief we experience will also be different depending on our culture and upbringing. If we have a religion the aspects of that religion can play a part in our grief and how we cope with the loss. Some cultures and religions see death as a way of 'completing' life, you have fulfilled what you needed to and can move on to the next life. There is, largely, acceptance around death, and though it can be a sombre occasion, it is also celebrated. Other cultures don't really talk about death and so grief can hit harder as we may feel completely unprepared for what death means for that individual and for ourselves. Experiencing grief for the first time can be really scary whether we have an overwhelm of emotions or a lack of them - there are quite often the questions around comparison and questioning if our grief is normal i.e. does anyone else feel this way? Why can't I stop crying? Why aren't I feeling anything? There can be times where our grief is much more complex; bereavements through unexpected, shocking or traumatic situations, multiple bereavements, and bereavements through the COVID pandemic are examples of where bereavement can be complicated. Complicated grief is where we may feel stuck in our emotions or unable to manage our emotions over a long period of time. How can I manage self expectations? Some people may go back to work within days of a close bereavement, others may take weeks or months to feel ready to work again or find a daily routine that now works for them. The impact of grief can be so different, so it can be hard not to compare our grief to other people and then look at why we aren't like that. I like to remember that "grief can often be a reflection of the unique relationship we had with the one we've lost. The pain we feel can be so intense because of how much we loved them." Remembering that our grief is unique to us and the relationship we had is so important as this shows it can't be compared. Even siblings experiencing a loss of a parent will experience grief differently, whilst there may be some overlap of emotions. It's also important to remember we all experience emotions differently and process them differently too. You may process feelings & emotions quickly and be able to manage continuing the day to day, but this doesn't mean you didn't care as much as someone who struggles to process the feelings & emotions. It just means you process and manage in different ways, which is okay! One way to challenge the expectations you put on yourself is catching yourself thinking statements including 'I should' or 'I must' - as a client once put it - 'should or must according to who'. Do you actually believe you should be doing something in a certain way or is that coming from elsewhere? Another way is to think of what you might say to your friend if said friend was going through the grief? Would you expect them to be coping flawlessly? Or to not cry? If you wouldn't expect them to do those things, then why do you expect that from yourself? The idea behind doing this is to reality check yourself - are you grounded in what you're expecting from yourself. This can be particularly useful when we are having feelings of guilt around the bereavement as, whilst guilt is valid, it often brings a lot of unrealistic self-blame. What can I do to cope with grief? This is always a question I get asked, "how can I cope?, what can I do?", but there isn't a golden answer, it will be different for each of us! The first thing I would always say, is to try and be kind to yourself and give yourself some compassion. Berating yourself or putting yourself down for experiencing grief in a certain way is only going to make things feel worse - so what would it look like if you were to give yourself some compassion and acknowledge that grief is really hard and difficult to manage. I like the analogy of feelings being like the sea. Sometimes those feelings can get really choppy and hit us hard. It can feel like they're pulling us under and if we fight it, it can make them feel worse. So instead we can try and let them wash over us, as well as using buoys (coping techniques) in the process. Like a storm at sea, it can get rough, but it will pass - your feelings are like this too. If things are feeling too overwhelming it can be good to break things down into small manageable chunks. Take some pressure off yourself! The best way to do this is by taking things day by day or even hour by hour. Look at what feels manageable for yourself in the next hour and stick to that, then reassess when an hour has passed. Try and imagine what your first step might be. If that feels too big break it down even further. e.g. I want to have a shower but that feels too overwhelming. So your first step might be getting out of bed. If that still feels too much it might be sitting up in bed etc. Letter writing - sometimes people find it useful to write letters to those they're grieving over. This letter can be to say goodbye, or to say things you wish you had time to say, or just letting whatever comes out come out. This letter is written in a safe and quiet place, the reason being, it can bring up a lot of emotions we might not have originally been aware of, whilst also allowing us to process our thoughts. Once you have written the letter you can keep it somewhere safe, share it with someone you trust and feel comfortable with, talk it through in counselling/therapy, rip it up, burn it etc. Keeping it allows you to come back to it at a later date if you wanted to Sharing it allows you to process the emotions and feelings further whilst exploring it in a different context. This is especially useful if anything still feels like it's stuck in your mind. Ripping it up or burning it can be a way of 'letting it go'. Some people find this useful if it's been painful emotions that they felt able to process through the writing and no longer want to 'hold on to it'. Sometimes the process of writing is enough to give us some respite. Letter writing can be done as a one-off tool or it can be done regularly depending on what works for you. Personally, I use this tool often in different ways as I find the actual act of writing, getting the words out of my mind and onto paper/screen, helps me! Some people like to create memorabilia in order to remember the one(s) they're grieving. This could be: a jar full of memories - get a clear jar and different coloured paper and/or pens. Then write different memories of the person to fill the jar. You can colour code different type of memories if you wanted - this is done to remember the person as a whole and human (the good, bad, and neutral). a scrap book of different memories, stories, photos of the person you're grieving. This might be done in a random order, you might want to put it in a timeline of their life, or you might want to order it in a different way that gives meaning to you. You can do an online version of a tribute here - https://www.muchloved.com/ Get support in place for yourself. We might find that when we are grieving we tend to withdraw and isolate even though what we're craving is connection and support. It can lead to feeling angry at everyone and the world or exacerbate your already difficult feelings. Ongoing support might be speaking to friends or family, finding a support group, speaking to online communities, starting therapy or counselling, speaking to your GP etc. Short term support might be using helplines when things are feeling too overwhelming to help get you through the immediate and the self-help suggestions above. Further Resources The box and the ball analogy is really helpful in explaining how grief can change over time. It shows how grief doesn't really disappear but we learn to adapt and grow around the grief over time and with putting support in place. https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy The dual process model of grief can be useful to refer to when trying to understand what grief might look like for you. Remember that grief can be messy - just like the human experience - it isn't necessarily linear and will come and go. https://griefcompass.com/dualprocess Help guide have some good information on different types of loss and grief and what you can do to help yourself as well as seeking support - https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm Cruse have some good information on understanding your grief - https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/ At a loss has some useful resources around bereavement. They are run by bereaved people using their own experience to guide others. https://www.ataloss.org/Pages/FAQs/Category/bereavement-resources Hospice UK has some information around end of life support and how to cope with grief - https://www.hospiceuk.org/information-and-support/i-need-support-bereavement/coping-grief Sudden have some resources for understanding and coping with the sudden loss of somebody - https://sudden.org/help-for-adults/ Sue Ryder have online bereavement support courses as well as resources - https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help Trust Inheritance have information about what to do after someone dies as well as resources - https://www.trustinheritance.com/ Winston's Wish is an organisation that has resources around helping children and teens with their grief - https://www.winstonswish.org/ Life Ledger is a death notification service which deals with notifying companies of someone's death so you don't have to keep repeating yourself or managing the admin of it all. It is also free to use and is for notifying private companies (phone contracts, banking etc.) -https://www.lifeledger.com/ Tell Us Once is a notification of death service for public companies (HMRC, DVLA, Councils etc.) - https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once Helplines General bereavement helpline - https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/ Pet bereavement helpline - https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss Parents grieving the loss of a child - https://www.tcf.org.uk/ Baby loss & miscarriage helpline and support - https://www.sands.org.uk/support-you/how-we-offer-support/helpline Bereaved by suicide support - https://uksobs.org/ Mental health crisis helpline - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Why I'm writing about my life with dogs I wanted to write about living with dogs and my experience so far, and it felt fitting to do this for National Pet Day 2024. It's worth mentioning that I am not a pet behaviourist, qualified trainer, or vet, but I am writing this from my experience of researching and learning how to look after my dogs, as well as advice I have received from professionals. There are an abundance of resources out there to care for animal companions but not so much about how to look after yourself when we are faced with the numerous challenges being a pet owner can bring and the impact this can have on the whole household. So, lets dig into the good, the bad, and the ugly side of living with dogs! The Good (A.K.A. The "worth it") - Firstly, they are freaking adorable. Each of the dogs I've known in my life have had their own character and personality. It's suggested that humans are prone to a "baby schema" where infantile features draw us in and provoke a nurturing response, true of human-animal interactions - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4019884/. There is much research that being around animals can help in the management of our wellbeing. Simply petting a dog can reduce our stress and helps release dopamine as a response. Not only that, dogs also have a positive influence on our physical health too from noticing when we're not feeling well to being able to be a medical animal and in some instances saving lives due to their responses. It has also been recorded that dogs can help with socialisation of humans with numerous instances of building up confidence and helping humans to relax. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4019884/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8042315/ The unconditional love we can receive from our animal companions is unmatched. They are there for us no matter what state of being we are in and this is something that can be a constant comfort for many of us whilst we have their company. Having animals as company gives us routine and commitment to follow for another living being. With chronic illness this can be a minor inconvenience but also a need too! Exercise is also a benefit of owning dogs in particular, though can be true for other animals too. Playing with, training, and the walking -https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/dogs-are-good-for-your-health The Bad (A.K.A. The minor inconveniences) - There can be some minor downsides to having dogs around, like having to take them out for toilet business or for walks in the rain, wind, snow. Though I actually enjoy this sometimes! Poop machines. Honestly, dogs are just real poop machines 😂And when you have more than one dog this can feel like a constant and smelly job. Commitment to training & care no matter your mood or state of being. There isn't a "day off" with animals. Early mornings/late nights/mid-night toilet outings are part of the job. The financial aspect can be a big'un. I would say this can jump between inconvenience and devastating depending on the reason for the financial impact and your financial situation in general. This is definitely something to consider when opting for a life with animals. The Ugly (A.K.A. The devastating) - Whilst we may love our dogs unconditionally and sometimes see them as a type of child in the household, we do have to remember that they are dogs for both their sake and your own. They are different to us, their ability (as far as we know) to process things in the same way as us isn't matched, and so often we may find that we have projected our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences onto our companions complicating situations - I say this from experience! Guarding. Dogs are pack animals who tend to guard over resources when there is a fear that they are scarce. It was once believed that there was one dominant dog in the pack, however it is now believed that the dominance can be fluid between dogs and between resources too. For example in my dogs, Freya is definitely more dominant with toys and food as to her those resources are worth fighting for, however Arty is very much people focused and feels we are a resource worth fighting for and so guarding can happen. https://www.preventivevet.com/dogs/resource-guarding-in-dogs Fights in dogs - guarding can then lead to fights between dogs, or if a dog is poorly socialised they can end up being more prone to fighting with other dogs on walks. Learning your dogs signals and body language is so important in preventing fights before the dogs behaviour escalates. https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/training/stopping-dog-fight-confrontation-fighting-dogs/ https://www.hazeldog.com/posts/2020/3/31/dealing-with-dog-fights-on-walks-and-hikes Stigma - there can be stigma around reactive dogs and dogs in general. Muzzles are something that can be beneficial for any dog to be trained on how to wear (as we were informed by a behaviourist) as if your dog were to break their leg, most likely a vet will want the dog to wear a muzzle when examining due to the risk of biting from the pain. And even though muzzles are a good thing for dogs to know how to wear, when a dog does wear one to help with their behaviour and anxieties, it can be seen that they're dangerous. https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/dog-advice/training/outdoors/muzzle-training Death is the hardest thing I have been through with my animals. It is inevitable, and yet something that you can never fully prepare for at the same time. We can only do our best with what we have for our animal friends, and making the decision between quality of life, care, and death is an impossible decision and one which haunted me for a long time after my first dog. https://www.emilyduffytherapy.co.uk/post/pet-bereavement Rehoming is the second impossible decision that is made with animals. Sometimes, our situations change beyond what we imagined they would be and we have to make a decision to give up our animal companions in their best interest and our own - even though painful. https://www.bluecross.org.uk/what-if-i-need-give-my-pet My story I have always known a life with pets; birds, hamsters, rabbits, a guinea pig, and dogs. My first dog was a Westie named Snowy and he was my dream - I had always wanted a dog and one day this became a reality. He was with me for 15 years, through some of my darkest days, and losing him absolutely devastated me. A couple of years later and we got Arty, another dream. He is more determined in his terrier instincts but is very clever and follows commands (mostly). We then introduced Freya 3 years later. Another dog of the same breed and has the same dad as Arty too. There was definitely a big adjustment period, figuring out their signals, body language, and training them in living together, but mostly we got there. However, they both have anxious behaviours which can cause reactivity, guarding, and disagreements between them both. I often say, when they are left to themselves they are fine, but as soon as a human is involved we trigger a response. Having two dogs is the first time for both myself, my partner and thus having an occasional multi-dog household for the rest of my family is a learning curve too. Unfortunately, this has led to some tension in the family where dogs have had spats and led to cut contact. So, we are trying to now be even more proactive dog "owners" than we already were and have a vet trained behaviourist working with us to further our knowledge and training - it is always nice to hear we're sensible, responsible, and good "owners" with what we already had in place and our current knowledge. This is the nutshelliest of nutshells I could do, it all goes a lot deeper than this, but much of it is ongoing or will be covered below. How to cope Deciding to share your life with animals is a big decision and not one which should be taken lightly as it does come with its challenges and can bring up a lot of emotional impact along the way, such as: Worry tends to be the biggest emotion for me. Whether we are doing the right thing, whether they are okay, if there's anything we're doing wrong, if we've made the wrong choice by introducing another dog etc. Shame in letting the dogs down and being seen as a "bad dog owner". Frustration in the training and will of the dogs themselves - similar to therapy, we have to meet them where they're at. You can't force training onto a tired dog! Anger when they do get into a fight, both at the nature of it but also at ourselves for not preventing it - hindsight and all that. But there can also be lots of wonderful emotions and feelings too; joy, laughter, happiness, relaxation, love, care etc. Ways that have been helpful in coping with what comes up for me: Remembering they are dogs! This is the biggest one for me. I love them like they are my animal children but they are dogs and need to be treated as such. Still with care, love, and affection, but knowing their temperament, nature, and behaviours. Focus on what's in your control - other peoples perceptions and reactions are not in your control, and whilst this may be hard to experience, you can only control how you behave and respond to situations. Knowledge - Reading and research has been such a comfort and useful tool for me. Arming myself with what can be useful in different situations has helped my confidence and soothed my anxiety too. Though try not to dwell on this and become obsessed with it, you can't know everything and that's okay too. Remembering they are dogs again - we can have high expectations for our animal friends but they can't always live up to these and that's okay. A mindset shift for me with Arty and Freya is remembering they are living with each other due to my own decisions and we can't expect them to get along all the time so some level of guarding and snapping is expected! And it's then my job to manage this as best I can. Putting your wants down and focus on their needs - I love my dog cuddles, but when I am seen as a resource to my dogs, cuddles aren't always the best things to offer them, and so my want of this needs to be second to the dogs needs and wellbeing. This doesn't mean I can't still give them fuss and attention just not excessively! If you have one dog this may not be too much of an issue unless your dog then starts guarding you towards other humans. Asking for help - don't be afraid to ask for help. As I mentioned earlier you can't know everything so if you're in any doubt get your dog checked over by your trusted vet, go to training classes, and speak to a behaviourist if needed. Acknowledge, sit with, and process your emotions - therapy has been a huge help for me in being able to lay out my emotions and be with them. It can be draining to be putting new training, measures, and routines into place. Dog's need consistency and it can be hard, especially when other things are going on in life! This has been especially true when family tension has broken down and erupted.... Remember that there are still good times. For us, the good times far out weigh the bad. And whilst the bad moments may fill us with all of the difficult emotions, they do pass and are fleeting. This may be different if your dog has caused harm to another being, but you can get through it day by day. This has been my motto in all the hardship "slowly, slowly" and "day by day". Breathing and relaxation have been useful when I have found myself feeling stressed and overwhelmed. They help to slow the body down as well as grounding back to the 'here and now'. Reality checking with trusted friends and family about the situation at hand and how you're managing it all. This can be good reassurance but also good for managing your expectations of yourself and the dogs. Is there anything you'd add to this? Snowy, Arty, & Freya:

This probably should have been one of my first posts, but it's been interesting to see how this varies in Private Practice as well as the similarities; this post will explore what therapy is like in general, what to expect, and how this happens in my sessions (this will be different for each therapist - thankfully! #diversityisbeautiful). I will be approaching this predominantly from a private practice therapist view, though there will be cross over with free services from NHS, charities, organisations. I'll be covering: Initial Contact Consultation/Assessment First Session Therapeutic Relationship Themes/Focus Structure, Consistency, & Boundaries Confidentiality In Between Sessions Endings Initial Contact Check out my post about how to find the 'right' therapist for expectations on the search aspect. Once you have found a few therapists you're interested in contacting it's time to actually make that initial contact; The way of contacting a therapist will be personal to them, as to what they offer. Most will have an email and/or phone number to call and enquire about sessions, but there are so many ways to make initial contact nowadays. It may be that you can book your initial consultation via a website or directory listing. This will normally involve giving some details for contacting and maybe some detail about what you're enquiring about. You can see an example via my booking page here. Alternatively you may be able to email phone, text, DM on Social Media, or WhatsApp the therapist directly. Regardless, it is important to have some space when making the initial contact as it can be a vulnerable moment. If you're making delayed contact (email, booking system, text, WhatsApp, DM) you can take some time over what you want to include details wise and outline what you're looking for. Be sure to check your spam for replies too, unfortunately this can happen with replies. Making immediate contact (phone call, live chat) may need you to make space before to note down things you want to ask or get across, time for the conversation with the therapist, and some time afterwards to ground yourself and check in as it can be intense depending on the questions you're asking, but also from any emotional build up the search and contact makes. I wish I didn't have to type this out, but please also prepare yourself for the potential of no reply from some therapists - though do check your spam folder often as emails can wind up there too. In addition, there is the possibility that the therapist you've contacted isn't able to take you on as a new client, so there can be a chance of not being able to have sessions with your chosen therapist. This 'no' can be for so many reasons (full schedule, conflict of interest, topic being out of competency, no longer practicing etc.), but it may be hard to not take it personally, so do prep yourself for potential feelings around rejection, especially if you know this is something you're sensitive to. Consultation/Assessment I can only speak of my own consultation in detail but I will try to give examples of how this might vary for other therapists - hopefully they tell you what to expect before you meet them. My consultation is a 45 minute session allowing space for us to talk in a little more detail about what you would like to get out of therapy, what might be going on for you at the moment, to talk through the counselling contract and manage expectations around what therapy will look like, and then I also leave space for you to ask any questions you might have. I do ask for payment on this at a reduced rate as it does take time to prep and be with you in the session, but other therapists might offer their consultation as a 'free first session' or a free 15 min phone call. I prefer to have a little more time to have the space to talk and take our time exploring what our sessions might look like before we just jump in - but everyone works different and that's why checking out a few therapists is important to see who you connect with. The consultation is a chance for both of us to get to know the other a little more so that we can make a more informed decision on whether we would like to go forward with sessions. I don't tend to use any questionnaires or scores but you may find that therapists ask you to complete one for the consultation. This is more used in therapy which is more goal orientate or in organisations where they need to show that the therapy is working in a more tangible way. First Session The first session may be filled with a few more questions from your therapist than normal as it is a chance for us to understand and clarify what's going on for you. It can take time for the therapeutic relationship to build up and so the first stage is very much around exploration and understanding. You may get straight into the content you bring to the sessions in the first session and this can leave people feeling vulnerable once the session is finished. I always try to check in with my clients at the beginning and then at the end of each session as a way to ground you but also to have a routine in keeping the session boundaried. I find this especially important in our first session as it allows you to get a feel for what our sessions will look like going forward but also because a consultation can bring up ALOT of information, feelings, emotions, and thoughts that have to be contained in a short period of time along with the contracting and questions, so it's good for me to check in on how it was for you after our consultation so we can look at how best to manage containing the emotions and feelings in future. I would recommend giving yourself some space after you first session, and all sessions, so that you have a bit of breathing space before going back into your day to day. Therapeutic Relationship The therapeutic relationship is not like other relationships in life. Whilst it is two way to some extent, most therapists won't bring their own 'stuff' to your sessions in terms of self disclosure. Some approaches mean that your therapist won't even answer "how are you?" as they want to be a complete blank slate in the relationship, meaning you won't know anything about them. Other approaches are a bit more relaxed on this and so your therapist may disclose information about themselves - this is done with you in mind, i.e. self-disclosure should be for the benefit of the client. You will have your own preference on this, so this may be a question to ask in your consultation with the therapist. I tend to do some self-disclosure where it feels appropriate. I do also share a fair bit of myself on my therapy socials, but again, I do this with my follower in mind - what I share is within the context of being for the followers benefit. The therapeutic relationship takes time to build, and it will be used within your sessions too. The relationship is there to be a consistent safe connection to model how you want to be in the 'real world' out of the therapy room. Your therapist will be empathetic, non judgemental, actively listen, and hold you with unconditional positive regard in order to let you explore what relationships mean to you, how you relate, and have a chance to practice how you want to be with others in your life. It is your chance to practice a healthy relationship! As you can see, the therapeutic relationship is important.Having a good therapeutic relationship has been found to be the biggest factor in having a positive outcome from therapy. We have supervision in order to make sure we are keeping this relationship boundaried, professional, and working in your best interest, because if we stray from this as a therapist it can have a negative impact. The relationship built should allow you to voice if you feel your therapist is wrong or if something said doesn't sit right with you. Ruptures can happen, as therapists are human and mistakes can be made, but if the relationship has a strong base, these ruptures can be a great chance to experience resolving conflict in a healthy way. With all this in mind, if you find your therapist isn't holding you safely, you feel like your feedback isn't being taken on board, or you feel your therapist is acting inappropriately please do look to raise these concerns with their Professional Membership Body, PMB, (currently counselling isn't regulated in the UK which can cause problems if you're looking to complain and your therapist isn't part of an organisation/PMB - check out my post here for more info). Themes/Focus You may chose to have a theme or focus for sessions. This will be different for the approach of therapy your Therapist follows. More solution focused approaches (CBT, SFT, ACT, DBT) will have a focus for your sessions. You might find that you have a structure to the sessions with a clear path of what you'll be doing. When I had CBT for my pain management I was given a handout which explained what we'd be doing in our 6 sessions. I had homework to do in-between each session to put what we talked through into practice. The sessions were very much about guiding me through the handbook, gaining understanding on what the process meant for me, and then putting it all into practice. This can be really useful and productive for those looking for ways of coping with a specific 'problem', however for ongoing deeper work it isn't always as effective. More client led approaches (Person Centered, Humanistic, Existential, Psychodynamic) might ask you what it is you'd like to get out of therapy, but it is then very much in your autonomy to get there. You will bring the topics to each session, your therapist will then help you explore this in the session. Integrative approaches tend to find there way somewhere in between these on the spectrum of client led or solution focused. I love being integrative, whilst it means I'm not a 'specialist' in any one approach, I am able to adapt to my clients preference of how to work and gives more flexibility on the timeline of sessions. I have found that most sessions tend to be client led to begin with as the rapport is building up, and then as more has been explored and understood there is a process of 'moving forward' which then brings in some of the practices used in the solution focused approaches. Structure, Consistency, & Boundaries Structure, consistency, and boundaries are important for therapy. We've already talked about boundaries in this post so far. Boundaries should be outlines from the offset of any therapeutic relationship. Therapists who are part of a PMB will have an ethical framework to follow which outlines the boundaries, so if you're ever unsure on if something is okay in therapy, you can ask your therapist or check out the framework yourself. Consistency is part of the ethical framework in terms of modelling the health relationship, and this goes both ways. It is important for you to be attending your sessions consistently as well as the therapist being able to be consistent in the space which is offered. As mentioned before, we are human, so there will be nuances to this as well as modern life not always allowing for weekly sessions. To me, the main part of consistency is to be engaged - this includes being in contact with your therapist if you're unable to attend, as well as your therapist being consistent in there engagement too. I am transparent with my clients from the start in having chronic illnesses which can lead to cancellations on short notice, however I always try to offer an alternative to meet each week where possible. As for structure, this goes hand in hand with consistency and boundaries. My prefered structure for sessions is to have them weekly at the same time and day, however this isn't always possible, and so a flexible structure is still just as valid. The theme throughout all of this, is collaboration with your therapist on what works for both of you. Confidentiality Confidentiality is one of the biggest factors in therapy. As a therapist we do what we can to offer you confidentiality in sessions, this means checking our software is as confidential as can be within the limits of our competencies, making sure our sessions are held where others can't over hear, keeping any data we collect secured and anonymised, etc. Every session should be held in a confidential space where all of what is said is kept between the two of you. The biggest section of my contract is around confidentiality, this is to explain what I do to keep sessions confidential, but also to explain where confidentiality may be broken. Sometimes we may need to break confidentiality in compliance with the law. This isn't always straight forward and can be a judgement call on the therapists side as to whether a break in confidentiality is the right move going forward for those involved. The overview of this is if someone is in immediate harm - whether that's the client themselves or someone else (abuse, terrorism). My take on breaking confidentiality is to do this in as much collaboration with my clients as possible. I will always try to talk to my clients about what breaking confidentiality might look like and what the next steps will be. It is never easy to break confidentiality on either side of this relationship! If you're ever worried about what you want to talk about leading to a break in confidentiality it is always worth talking about what this might look like with your therapist. A general rule I've seen in organisations is if you have a plan to end your life within the next 24 hours and intend to act on it then this would be a time to break confidentiality and raise the support for the client to crisis services, however your therapist may have a different take on this. In Between Sessions Following on from confidentiality, if you were to meet your therapist in a public space (online or in person) the general take is that your therapist won't acknowledge you to keep confidentiality in tact, however if you want to say hi then you can. I have a section in my contract to cover this as well as a digital policy for online spaces. Other types of contact in between sessions will vary from therapist to therapist. Some therapists may set 'homework' that you are able to send to them inbetween sessions ready to discuss in the next session. Some therapists allow you to text/email/message them with different things that come to you as part of the ongoing relationship. Generally speaking, I don't contact my clients outside of sessions unless it is to rearrange sessions, notify of holiday, or for something important. But as with everything there are nuances to this where I may know of a resource that would be useful to a client that they are happy for me to send to them outside of sessions. In order for confidentiality and boundaries to be kept in tact, it is advised that any contact outside of sessions is discussed with your therapist so that you are both on the same page and it can be contained within the therapeutic relationship. Endings Endings can happen for many reasons in therapy. Hopefully the ending is because you feel your work is done and you're ready to go on without sessions, however this isn't always the case. How you end therapy is up to you, as part of therapy is empowering you in your autonomy. Therapists may outline what they expect in regards to an ending - for me I ask for 2 weeks notice so that we are able to wrap up the work we're doing, the client can experience a 'good' ending, and we can review the work done too. You have every right to end sessions with your therapist and you can do for whatever reason it is (not connecting, complaint not acknowledged, feeling unsafe, feeling you've got all you can out of the sessions, feeling ready to end sessions etc.) Sometimes though, it may be that your therapist needs to end the sessions. This can be for an unlimited amount of reasons and will very much be up to your therapist to explain where they feel able. The most common reasons (I've seen) are health related, change of circumstances, or due to a conflict of interest that has arisen. Endings are delicate, the hope is that we can offer you a 'good' ending as most endings in the world can be painful (break ups, bereavement, ghosting). Your therapist will be as congruent and transparent with you as they can with the ending on their side, and we ask the same of you when you finally feel ready to end. Summary Therapy is different for everyone. It is a relationship between you and your therapist which is what works for you. Your relationship with your therapist will be different to their relationship to their other clients. Therapy is YOUR space. It is to support, empower, and heal you. It helps you explore your past and move forward into the present, preparing you for your future.

I haven't done an explicitly personal blog post before, though of course there are parts of me intertwined within my posts. Why disclose this? There's a gap of understanding around this, of people speaking out and sharing their stories even though there are so many therapists out there with a (or many) chronic illness(es). Searching for other therapists, counsellors, psychotherapists etc. who may be in a similar position to me only brought up one result from a therapist's experience - why is this? We are all human after all! I've discussed my chronic illness a lot in my own supervision in regards to how I work with it, whether it needs to be factored into my work, and just my general feelings around working as a therapist with a chronic illness. I've also discussed my chronic illness in my own therapy sessions as it is something I am still trying to get support for and factor managing in my illness into my life. So why not discuss it in a blog post where it may speak to someone else and start a conversation? My health journey For as long as I can remember I've been back and forth to the GP for one reason or another, it feels like my chronic illness has been hiding in plain sight for years, however I've only recently been diagnosed after much frustration, advocating, fighting, and pushing for answers. My main chronic illnesses are Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, and Prolonged Complex Migraines which gives me a 'fun' cocktail of symptoms to manage on a daily basis where some days are very much worse than others, and some are a lot easier to manage. It's taken me a lot of processing to get to a point where I am able to talk openly to the wider world about my chronic illness - there has been a lot of fear around whether people would judge my ability to be a therapist on my illness, the shame I have for feeling like I'm not as competent as I once felt, and that all too familiar question of am I still good enough to do this? What having a chronic illness has meant for me I am still understanding the impact of my illness in my daily life, things can often feel unpredictable and unknown. I have had to learn to be ALOT kinder to myself. I have had to learn how to listen to my body. Pacing myself is better than trying to do 'everything' on a good day, and whilst I am still not the best at sticking to this, I'm learning. I've had to say 'no' to things I would have normally pushed through. I've had to say goodbye to my past healthier self.... The learning curve has been tough, and I still have so much left to learn about myself and what I can do going forward. Reframing my mindset to looking at what I can do, rather than what I can no longer do was a game changer for me - though I do think that grieving the loss of who I was, was also need. So, knowing all of the above, what's it like being a therapist with a chronic illness you ask? The short honest answer - it can be difficult but so worthwhile. The longer, still honest, answer - there can be a lot of anxiety and self-doubt around whether I am able to be there for my clients, if I am able to do this full stop, if I'm somehow letting my clients down, what if I can't be fully present in the session.... However, being aware of these anxieties and learning how to be more in touch with my body allows me to process how I'm doing on the days I have clients as well as arranging my time in a more manageable way. Self-care and compassionate self-talk have been a massive need not only for my mental health but also for my physical symptoms. I remind myself of all the experience I do have, how much I love what I do, and how I wouldn't put clients in harms way. I remind myself that no one is perfect, I can be as consistent as my body will allow me and I can do what I can to help this too. I also have massive support through my supervision, working out how I can handle my workload, what I can do for myself, and soothing my unfounded anxieties. I have started to disclose my chronic illness to clients both out of being congruent and letting them have informed consent about working with me as it may mean cancelling/postponing sessions on short notice - I do everything I can to not have it get to this point, but unfortunately it is sometimes out of my control. If I have clients with chronic illness, I make sure not to assume that we go through the same thing, we may have similar symptoms, but that doesn't mean we experience them in the same way. I work harder and continuously on knowing myself and what's going on for me so that when I am with the client in 'the room' we are focused on them without my own experiences or feelings clouding theirs. The most important thing from this post is that whilst I do have chronic illnesses, they do not define me, I am still 100% human, and I care about my clients and what I do!

When you first start counselling it can feel quite intimidating not really knowing what to expect or even what you're going to get out of the process. This post will name what to expect from counselling and different ways in which to notice how the process is working for you. Manage your expectations - The first thing I would recommend is for you to manage your expectations around what counselling is and what you want out of counselling. Take some time to think about what it is you're wanting to go to counselling for and what it is you want as an outcome. Is it just a space to process? Is it working on some coping around anxiety or depression? is it to work through a challenging time in your life? Try and get an idea of what it is you're wanting to work towards or use the hour a week for (check out my post on finding the 'right' therapist for you ) Your counsellor/therapist/psychotherapist will also be doing this on their side too. A question I like to ask in my consultation, which is my first meeting with a client, is what they are looking to get out of counselling - in an ideal world what would the outcome be? - from here we can then look at what is realistic. Things to remember here - Counselling is not a 'fix' or solution for things, but instead it is a process that will explore your inner workings, challenge thought processes, and look at techniques & strategies to manage and cope with those inner workings. If you're only looking to do short term counselling, recognise that the work will be more solution focused for those sessions and that the work won't be 'transformational' but will offer a start in managing what's going on for you. Longer term work would allow space & time to look into more difficulties as well as doing deeper work and so can look at more intensive work or more idealistic work. The counsellor isn't the one doing the work. If you come into sessions wanting the counsellor to tell you what to do, this isn't going to happen, unless you are going to a counsellor led approach of counselling - then there may be more direction in what you are looking into, but you will still be bringing your own 'work' content. In client led counselling, we are there to facilitate a safe space allowing you to explore, we use our skills and knowledge to guide this exploration and challenge points of view, and we may offer recommendations of exercises, strategies, & tools that could be useful, but through it all, you are the one doing the leg work behind it all. We can't read minds and so we can only collaborate with you on what you bring to sessions. The progress you make, like with most other things in life, won’t be linear. It may be that you have ups and downs throughout the process as ultimately life will continue whilst you’re working on yourself. You need to give the process time to notice any effects, and these effects might be small things like being able to manage with bad days rather than not having any bad days. Engagement & commitment - When engaging in counselling, it's beneficial to fully engage in the process and commit. This isn't easy, and I am certainly not saying it is, but for the process have its best chances of feeling beneficial and effective there needs to be consistency in showing up to sessions. Studies have shown that the relationship & rapport that you build with your counsellor is the most important part of the therapy being effective and so turning up to sessions is a big contributor to this relationship In my contract I outline this commitment: Again, this commitment and engagement goes both ways. You should be able to trust and feel safe with your counsellor, as well as being able to know they are going to be offering you the skills and qualities you have been contracted to get. I outline my own commitment to sessions in my contract with clients - I am honest about the fact that my chronic illness can play a part in moving sessions on occasion but that I am still engaged within sessions and committed to offering the consistency that is needed. This can be something to look out for from your counsellor when starting the process - ask about their cancellation policy and what their side of this would be to give you peace of mind. Once sessions have been going on for a while, it is still important to engage in them. It may be that engagement for you is turning up as the bare minimum and that is absolutely okay! But turning up is key. It may be that some weeks you don't feel well enough to put 100% into the session, again this is okay - the counselling sessions are doing the opposite of what they're meant to if you're feeling like you must perform in them. If you notice that you're not really engaging in the sessions this may need a bit of reflection - what are you pulling away from? Is it that something doesn't sit right with you in the way your counsellor works? Is it that you don't feel like you connect with your counsellor? Is it that you feel the work is too challenging and it's making you feel worse? Is it that you're avoiding doing the work because it feeling uncomfortable? Whatever it is, it is worth bringing into the session with you counsellor so it can be addressed, and you can both find a way to work with it, or you can decide to end the process with your counsellor and potentially go on to look for someone else. Wanting sessions to be 'productive' - Productive is a dirty word to me when it's used to describe a session. What does it really mean for a counselling session to be productive - are you wanting something to take away with you? wanting a revelation? Wanting that 'eureka' moment? wanting validation or to be affirmed in what your doing is enough/right/good? There can be so much behind the want for sessions to be productive when really if you're turning up to sessions, they are already productive. So, this really is about managing those internal pressures, and again, the internal expectations we are holding to ourselves within the counselling process. I have absolutely fallen into this trap too, as a client I often feel like I need something interesting to talk about or feel like I need to be able to fill the session with content, but really a session can be there for whatever you need it to be in that moment. So, I like to reframe it and instead of looking at if counselling sessions are productive, I like to think of what it is I need today in this hour, what might be beneficial to me. You might find that being able to offload everything on your mind is useful and as a counsellor we are there to listen, hold, and reflect with you. You might sit in silence for the full 50 minutes because you just want to be in the presence of someone else and be mindful of what goes on for you in that time. You might want to talk about something specific that has happened and process the feelings that have come from it. You might want to use the session to practice a coping technique. This is what works for me, so if you find productive to still be the word to describe this and it still allows you to take a step back and use the session for what you need rather than what you think you 'should' be doing then that's awesome :) My counselling sessions haven't been successful - in a similar vein to productive, trying to view sessions as a success or failure can add unnecessary pressure to yourself and the sessions. This one can be tricky as I've talked about having an idea of what you want out of the sessions to be - so it is human and normal to then wonder if the sessions are fulfilling this. Again, I would ask you to reflect on what a successful session or collection of sessions would look like? Why is success with sessions important to you? But to also bring this into the sessions with your counsellor, talk about your outcome desires again and what you're feeling around it all. It might be that you are still working on this but sometimes it just takes more time and slower progress than we are used to having to aim for in the wider world. Monitoring progress – Following on from wanting sessions to be productive or successful, it is likely that you will be monitoring your ‘progress’ in the counselling process and this brings with it some difficulties like, how do you monitor changes in thinking or ways of being? These changes often happen slowly and over time, so often counselling can feel like you aren’t moving anywhere and sometimes sitting with all of what’s going on is what’s needed before you can start to move forward – all of which is progress. I try to look at progress in the process as each session you turn up to is progress. You are turning up and doing the work and that is more than you were doing before. Noticing yourself thinking in patterns that have been identified is progress. Noticing changes in your behaviour, actions, feelings, emotions, and state of being is progress even when you’re having a bad mental health day/week/month. Feeling uncomfortable in sessions – being a client is challenging work! Looking inward at your cognitive functions, patterns, and then your behaviours and the relationships you hold, can be uncomfortable - like having a spotlight shining on you – it’s a really vulnerable position to be in. The main thing around this is still feeling safe in the space your counsellor holds enough to experience that discomfort, look at it, and process it. Counselling is going to feel difficult, draining, or uncomfortable at times, this is definitely to be expected, however try to take note of if you are always feeling that way after sessions as it may be that your counsellor isn’t holding you safely in whatever way that might look (as always if you feel able to bring this into your sessions to explore with your counsellor do try to do this, but otherwise if you’re feeling too unsafe to be vulnerable or feel like counselling is negatively impacting your mental health it may be time to look elsewhere). Tips: · The biggest tip I would give is that if you trust your counsellor then also try to trust the process communicating any concerns to your counsellor along the way. It can feel so vulnerable, awkward, scary, anxiety inducing to bring these concerns into the therapy room, but it can be worth doing (this is also progress 😉) · Be kind to yourself – yes this will probably come into your work at some point, because it is important to show ourselves compassion through this process and just in our day to day lives. This doesn’t mean not taking accountability or responsibility for what is going on and our actions, but to be able to acknowledge our place and remember we are human, we are not perfect, we are all flawed, but if you’re in counselling you’re working on yourself and that’s already an amazing step forward! · Communication – Ask your counsellor questions before you start any sessions to make sure you are feeling as secure as you can going into things, and once there, talk to your counsellor about what’s going on for you – I guess this is part of trusting the process but try to trust your counsellor too. They are there to hold you when those emotions or worries come up. · Journaling/ mood tracking – if you really want to have something physical to come back to, to track how counselling is working for you then try doing a counselling journal. After each session note down things you talked about, anything that cam up for you, feelings around it all, any techniques you talked about, and a sum of what you took from the session. Alternatively, you could use an app to track your mood and make a note in the app of when you have a session to see if there’s any patterns in moods. REMEMBERING not to put pressure on yourself to have to do this, this isn’t a necessity, but it can be helpful & a nice memento. · Review - check in with your counsellor on what you're talking through and how you feel the process is going whether it's positive or negative. I try and do this with my clients in many different ways but you are able to bring this into the sessions too if you feel it's useful to you and the process. · Use your sessions – they are your sessions, take advantage of that space for you. It might be good to push out of your comfort zone whilst you’re in that safety, a chance to look at how things might look before putting anything into action. Trust that you can do this! Comment below with any thoughts, ideas, or tips that help you with the counselling process 😊

It's no secret that I have chronic illnesses, and so I wanted to do a post around what having a chronic illness has taught me about life and myself. Before fibromyalgia kicked in for me, I don't think I could have ever fathomed the impact it would have, it really does seep into all aspects of life, but mostly the idea of being in constant pain just wasn't imaginable - and that makes sense because as humans we're not meant to be in pain all the time so why would it be something anyone could imagine without experiencing it first hand. Getting Diagnosed - This process was so difficult for me, more difficult than it needed to be. It really highlighted that having a doctor who's on your side is important for the process, both on the toll it takes on your already impacted health but also your mental health. Unfortunately not having the backing of a GP can lead to difficulties - and this is something that is sadly far too common - where you might be dismissed or feel fobbed off, be told you're too young to be diagnosed with certain conditions, be told doctors don't like to put their names next to a fibro diagnosis, amongst so many other things that myself and others I know have experienced. Fibromyalgia is a condition that is still in need of more research and understanding, like so many other invisible, chronic, or rare conditions; Personally, I have been told by health professionals that many of their colleagues don't 'believe that fibro is a thing', basically they believe the pain we're experiencing isn't real! There have also been time where consultants have said that "it's a good thing you're crying as it shows that it's impacting you". As you can see, there can be a lack of empathy and understanding in the medical field when trying to access support for fibromyalgia via NHS. I experienced many of these situations unfortunately, and I was left with the advice of, "we can focus on the symptoms, do your own reading online, it sounds like fibro but we're not going to officially diagnose you", I went to a private pain clinic, like many others with chronic pain end up having to do, and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia instantly as it was clear from the tests they did. Now, my point here isn't to slander the NHS or the workers in the NHS; I absolutely love the fact that here in the UK we have the national health service and all the support and treatment it is able to offer us - I'd be so much worse off without it. I understand the NHS is understaffed, underfunded, and overworked, so the work that they do is even more difficult and draining than it would already be just doing the job normally, but the issues go beyond this. My actual point, is that it can be extremely difficult to access the support through the NHS and can require some jumping through hoops to get there or it forces people to go private and pay out of pocket. Takeaways - You know your own body, if something doesn't feel right, keep advocating for yourself to get the support you deserve. Second opinions are worth doing, you deserve to be heard. If possible make sure you have a good support network around you when looking into your health, as the process can be extremely exhausting. Sometimes going private is worth doing - if it's affordable to do so - as it offers security and stability in a process that can feel so uncertain. Do your own reading to get an idea of what could be going on for you; it can be helpful to know of different options and conditions they might be looking into. N.B. Try not to go down the google rabbit hole here, we all know where that can lead, but just to get a general idea. Write down your symptoms, your thoughts, and any questions you might have for your appointments. If you GP is refusing a diagnosis or test for any reason, ask them to note it on your records - this can sometimes lead to them changing their mind and giving the tests. The impact of the diagnosis - I hoped that having a diagnosis would allow access to more support and treatment, and whilst this is true, it has been so slow to put in place where some elements are still in waiting - the frustrations are still very real! Doing your own reading is necessary to looking after yourself, as well as finding a community to draw similar experiences from, share the frustrations of the condition, and to build each other up. A diagnosis can allow you to access reasonable adjustments at work via occupational health assessments. A diagnosis can potentially let you access income support or other financing supports to allow you access to aids, reasonable adjustments, and accessibility to day to day living. Sometimes having a diagnosis for a chronic condition which has multiple symptoms can lead to difficulty separating out which symptoms are new and unrelated or which symptoms are part of your diagnosed condition. This can cause frustration with health professionals not necessarily looking into the new symptoms as thoroughly as they might do if you didn't have a diagnosis for them to fit under. Takeaways - A diagnosis isn't necessarily going to change everything, but it may offer you some opportunities for treatment and support that just looking at symptoms wouldn't offer A diagnosis can lead to frustration on any new symptoms and whether they are related to your current condition or something else - again, be prepared to advocate for yourself. It is not your job to educate those around you, but it can be useful to talk to those close to you about your own experience, what it means to you, and how it's impacting you. Day to day living - My day to day living has changed dramatically. I used to be able to work fulltime, travel an hour each way, do studying, as well as then have a social life, looking after the home, exercise. I really wish I'd have appreciated just how much I could do! I now work part time, for myself to be able to manage my condition around my work, slowed down on the socialising, and have had to find new hobbies & exercise that don't push my body too hard. Having fibromyalgia kick in cause a massive upheaval in my personal life, my working life, and my mental health too. There is an element of grieving your old self as well as grieving what you had hoped your life would look like when you were able. It can be such a lonely feeling to have to readdress most aspects of your life and relearn who you are within that life with your condition. It isn't all doom and gloom, but it is really hard to come to terms with this process and what the condition means for you. Each day is unpredictable, and that can take some getting used to. I never know how I'm going to wake up - whether I will be having a good day where my symptoms require little attention or management or whether I will wake up in a flare of symptoms and need to rest that day. It can be tiresome to try and arrange life around such unpredictability! This can be hard to explain around friends and family and can unfortunately cause some conflict as it may impact on plans you have or even just how you function around other people. I am very lucky in that most of my friends and family understand what I'm going through and have empathy towards me, but you do tend to find out those who can't get their head round the condition or put themselves in your shoes enough to understand what it could be like, and so conflict can ensue. With fibro there can be a multitude of symptoms and not everyone's experience of those symptoms will be the same. Whilst it can be good to see others' experience with a similar condition, lessoning the feeling of being so alone in it all, on the other hand it can be hard not to compare yourself to others with the condition. We are all experiencing life differently, so their experience doesn't minimise or diminish your own - your experience is still 100% valid and is happening to you - trust yourself. Takeaways - Pacing, pacing, pacing!! This is now the bane of my life.... but it is one of the most important things for me to do in order to stay at a manageable level. There is a huge draw to doing everything you can on days where you might feel better, but then you end up having to spend much more time recovering or in a flare up of symptoms. Therapy, and I'm not just saying this as a therapist, but it is that extra bit of support that can be refreshing when trying to navigate life and who you are with the condition. Listen to your body . It might sound cliché and obvious but when you have a chronic condition you really do need to learn what symptoms you have, what can trigger those symptoms, what can help them, and what you need in each moment. COMPASSION - compassion is something we can often offer others in droves yet when it comes to ourselves it feels alien, but having compassion for yourself really can ease the toll that the bad days have. Having this condition isn't your fault, yet you are left with having to manage it, and that can suck (to put it lightly). So spending some time on our compassionate voice can make a huge difference in acknowledging what you're going through, how it feels, and giving yourself kindness in that moment. Having a range of hobbies and exercises that is different parts of your body is beneficial. Some days the brain fog might be too much but your body is feeling up for some yoga, light gardening, housework, knitting etc. Some days your body might be tired or in too much pain so doing something more cognitive based is better like reading, writing, chess, programming, puzzles etc. The worst days you might not be able to manage anything other than resting completely - for me these days mean having mobile games that take no thought, naps, gaming on PC or consoles that aren't too intensive, watching TV or films, or listening to music. Gratitude as a practice has been really helpful, especially on days where the mental health dips and the resilience to it all is down. This isn't saying you have to be grateful or should be, but I've personally found that if I am able to name a few things that I am still grateful for in my life it can make a difference in my perception and facing the days. Your feelings are 100% valid and you are still deserving of love, enjoyment & support. Having a chronic illness doesn't make you less than who you were before. You are still you. Some useful links: https://www.fmauk.org/ https://painuk.org/members/charities/fibromyalgia-action/ https://chronicillnessinclusion.org.uk/ https://creakyjoints.org/support/how-to-support-someone-with-chronic-illness/ https://www.cisfauk.org/ I will leave you with some chronic health memes 💚 If you have anything to add please comment below 😁

This time of year tends to provoke a spell of reflection in many of us, New Year tends to be portrayed as a 'new start' for many to make changes, focus on values, and get what we want out of life. So, being inspired by other therapists, I wanted to put my reflections of this year into a blog post, cause my goodness has it been a year!! And, maybe this will turn into my own blog post tradition, as a way to take stock of what I've done, what I've learned through my clients and my own life, and as a way to then look forward to the next year. Work Where to even start with work?? I feel like I haven't stopped this year but it's been all good things. My practice is settled and at a good place for me and my health, it feels like I have found my groove and I absolutely love working with my clients and feel so privileged and humbled they have chosen me to support them in their struggles, vulnerabilities, and their growth. I cherish all that my clients learn from therapy and about themselves, as well as what they teach me about myself. This work is forever on going - as my supervisor said, "it's called therapy practice, because we are always practicing, there is no perfect end in the work" - and it's so true, there is so much I am learning about myself and with each client, I become a better therapist, more in tune with them, myself, and the lived experiences. In Private Practice, there is this concept of finding your 'niche' in order to find the 'right' clients - I state that mine is working within exploring your identity and how that relates to your internal self or the external world - but honestly the more I move forward the more I feel like my niche is just me being me and connecting with the individual in front of me. The most enlightening discovery within my practice this year has been that it's okay to be myself within the therapy room. I am allowed to be a human, not just a therapist This year did see the restart and ending of my work with The Mix as a volunteer counsellor. This work has been so very fulfilling and I was saddened to have to end this chapter of my career, but this was a decision based in my own wellbeing and having to put my health first. I cannot thank the team at The Mix enough for how supportive and just plain wonderful they were in supporting me both whilst working with them and with the process of leaving. Alongside my practice, I have been working with GriefChat , which is a web based chat service for those bereaved. My experience has been nothing other than intense, in the best and the most emotional of ways; there isn't anything more sobering that holding a space for someone bereaved and the pain that can come with loss; whether that's through losing a pet who was a true member of the family, having lost someone to suicide, being bereaved unexpectedly, or losing someone as a slow process with terminal illness. This work has made me reflect so much on my own life, what's important to me, who's in my life, and how I want to be, but also as a more existential contemplation around life in general and what it can mean to be alive! Talking about death in our society isn't something that is comfortable or done often enough, and it can leave us completely lost when we do then experience grief, but please reach out to those around you or services like GriefChat to get the support you deserve. The end of this year has brought on a number of projects that I was not expecting; I have started working on a Private Practice Start up Guide, fuelled by my own experience and the information I have offered to my peers and colleagues in the past. I am hopeful that this guide will offer a way of subsidising my low cost sessions further so I can offer more sessions to those in need of long-term low cost support. I also have another couple of opportunities coming up that will engage other parts of working that I miss from my Student Support work I used to do, as well as challenging me in different ways too. I am excited to be able to have work for all areas of my life that are important to me so I have some high hopes for 2023 and how this will look for my working life - however I do have to keep myself in check as my health isn't always something that can keep up with my ambition! Speaking of health..... Health (Physical) Our health is made up of many components, which can be quite complex to summarise in a reflection, so I have broke this section down to be purely my physical health and how I've coped this year in the face of it all - there is then a section further down about Wellbeing. As you may know, I do have multiple chronic illnesses, so my health is something I have to make space and time for in line with the energy I have (check out Spoon Theory if you haven't already - it's a great analogy for looking at chronic illness & mental health conditions and what is manageable in the day to day). I am still at a stand still with my treatment plan with my fibro, and after 17 years I am finally getting a laparoscopy to explore endometriosis too. I am hopeful that 2023 will bring more resources forward to me to get my health feeling like something that can run in the background rather than being so dominant in the foreground of my life! Check out my post on what fibro has taught me if you'd like to understand more on the impact it can have. My takeaway with my health this year has been to take each day as it comes, I am only able to control so much and so I've had to work on getting comfortable with not being in control all the time as well as pacing. I am only human and I can only do so much. Friendships & Relationships This year has been especially tough on friendships and relationships. For many, the world started opening up from COVID and lockdown, however there were still a lot of us who haven't been able to get back into the wider world as easily. Friendships & relationships have been a constant theme in my client work this year, as well as a theme within my own personal development. I have lost some meaningful friendships this year, and this really does have an impact on our wellbeing, in a similar vein to a romantic break up. From having my own space to reflect on this, I have been able to notice how special my other friendships are and what they mean to me; I have been able to see just how willing others are to be in my life despite my health bringing in some obstacles and that I am loved regardless of this. Many of my relationships have been purely online in the last few years, which has also brought the reflection around - What is a connection to me? What is a friendship? What is it that I need? I think these reflections are important for many of us who may be questioning the last few years and how it's had an impact on connections. I have found such safety in online communities that I haven't always felt in person with some people; I do think that online connections shouldn't be underestimated into the power & impact they can have, both positively and negatively. I have learned a lot about myself, my insecurities, my dependencies, and my expectations through this year because of losing friends and through strengthening other connections. This has led me to, not only finding other people who accept me for all of who I am, but also allowed me to accept those parts of myself too in a way I haven't before. Connections can be difficult but so worth it. Whether they're platonic or romantic, they need work, they have boundaries, and they all have an impact on our wellbeing. We talk a lot about communication in romantic relationships and family dynamics, but communication is just as important for friendships too. Wellbeing As you can imagine, what I have mentioned above has taken a toll on my overall wellbeing, and my emotional wellbeing in particular. This year has felt so utterly exhausting and draining in amongst all the positive events I have experienced which has led to overwhelm. The importance of pacing myself and being compassionate towards myself has had to take priority this year, as well as bringing in some new outlets of expression and using my support network. Again, this has also been a similar experience within my areas of work; near enough everyone has been feeling run down, burnt out, struggling, and overwhelmed because of the expectations that we should be thriving now the 'world has opened back up', but life really is so much more complex than that and it takes time to process, adjust, and move forward from a chain of worldwide events that have felt like they have removed certainty and stability. At times, my work has felt like giving such a small space of safety to people in such a big, dark, and brutal world - there's a feeling of only being able to do so much to hold this safe space for internal reflection, growth, and processing, when the world outside of that space is feeling like it's crushing down on us all - it is very reminiscent of Sanah Asan's article in The Guardian . Now whilst what I've written may make it sound like I've given up, I haven't, if anything seeing and experiencing all of this makes me more determined to continue in this work and more determined to help myself within it all too. If my work is being able to offer an hour a week to someone to feel safe just for that hour, then that is amazing to be able to offer that! The work I do within broader client work and then in bereavement, can be so draining, frustrating, tiring, and overwhelming - but- it is also so humbling to hear peoples stories and be trusted with them, it's amazing to see people get through the other side of what their experiencing and start to thrive, it's heart-warming to see people grow and learn to accept themselves, there's something so thrilling, satisfying, and joyous about knowing that someone is still willing to work on themselves and want better for themselves despite all that has been thrown their way in life! So, whilst my work, the world, and my own struggles in life can be difficult, there is still so much in life to find positivity in and that's what has got me through this year. The main takeaways from this year: Life won't slow down for us, so we have to slow ourselves down - PACING This year has been difficult, but we don't need to make things more difficult for ourselves on top of it all. Self compassion is a powerful tool and you are allowed to ask for help from your support network and/or professionals. There is only so much you can control, so try focusing on what you can do rather than what you can't. Taking a step back to breathe and reflect before you react & respond, is still the best advice I have ever been given! Hopes for 2023: To have more answers around my health and more of a treatment plan to help make the day to day feel more manageable as well as my working life to be more consistent. To be present in the wonderful opportunities I have been given and try to enjoy them. To maintain my level of working - to continue trying to pace myself within my work and my personal life. To take opportunities to rest, regroup, and revitalise to be the best version of myself within my life. Tools for reflecting Connect with your body to try and recognise emotions being held in your body Write a letter to your future self about your year and what you hope for yourself Sit down with a pen and paper, take some deep breathes to relax and slow your mind, then start freewriting for a set amount of time with the intention of reflecting on the year. Gratitude - if you're struggling to remember what's happened this year, you can try thinking of something's that you are grateful for as topics and then how you'd like to carry this gratitude over into the New Year. You might want to be more creative and write a poem, song, or draw what comes to mind for you when you think of the year. Going forward into 2023 : Start a memories jar - you can colour code your memories to be different themes or emotions, but this can help you see your year in grounded perspective rather than purely negative or purely positive. The idea is to write down whenever something happens that you want to make note of and add it to the jar, then at the end of the year you can look back on what's happened. If you do tend to only remember negative events, I normally suggest this as a happiness jar - so this is also a useful tool to use in helping you reflect and bring your perspective back to grounded reality. Some people have done creative ways of documenting their year which might be in a journal with mood tracking or writing a word to sum up your day, some have done a year in sewing/cross stitch/drawing etc. You might want to focus on some affirmations for yourself for the next year. A simple way of doing this is with mirror writing, i.e. write your affirmation directly onto your mirror or on a post it note so that you can see it every day.

It's been nearly a year since I wrote a post about bereavements and the New Year . This post talks through my experience with pet bereavement, how it impacted me and how I am coping with it now. Please do note that this could be distressing to read if you've had a loss, so do make sure you have support around you/to turn to if it brings anything up for you. I will include helpline services at the end. Today marks 5 years since I had to have my first dog put down. We got him when I was only 10 years old, he was a massive part of my life, and it was truly heart-breaking to have to say goodbye to him. He was my best friend who was there for me through some of the hardest times in my life; I grew up with him by my side! When we had to say goodbye, I was overwhelmed with sadness, shock, hurt, grief, self doubt, heartbreak but the emotion which broke me the most was guilt. I had guilt for making the decision to have him put down, even though all the opinions I got suggested this was the best thing to do. I felt guilt because he didn't have a voice and he seemed so helpless in that moment. I had guilt for not knowing what to say to him in the room when it happened. I had guilt for feeling like I wasn't there for him. No one, and nothing, really prepares you for bereavement. You know this is something you're going to have to go through at some point, but somehow you don't expect it to happen when it does. Not many people talk about how hard a pet bereavement can hit you either. I didn't sleep well for months after, the memory of being in the vets room with him was burned in my mind, he was on my mind constantly, I would cry most days too. At first I'd have dreams that he had come back to life and this brought back so much pain each time. Someone said something to me that started to ease my guilt, pain, sadness, and grief; "the grief we feel for those we've lost represents the power of the love we feel for them". My grief started to make more sense to me, I was missing him so much because of how much I loved him! My dreams continued, but it felt like he was visiting me and so they started to feel comforting. I would still think of him daily, but I started to let myself remember the memories that warmed my heart and made me smile - he was such a character who was loved by so many! I still well up sometimes when I think of him, the grief will never leave me because I will always love him, but I have learned to change my relationship with that grief, to let it be a reminder of how important he was to me. I now have 2 dogs who keep me very busy!! They each have their own personalities, they frustrate me but they also make me laugh at the same time. I have learnt to cherish my time with them whilst they're here to bless us with their presence. Grief will impact us all differently; we will also learn how to cope with it in different ways too. There is no timescale, no 'right way' to grieve, no rulebook to follow to help you feel better, but talking about it can help. Talking to someone about your loss can help Your feelings are valid, no matter what it is you're feeling You will have good moments and bad moments - sometimes they won't make sense to you or may catch you off guard. There's no linear way to grieve, try to listen to your body, be kind to yourself, and take each day at a time - Or if a day is feeling too overwhelming try each hour. Surround yourself with different types of support - journaling, writing letters, going for walks, talking to friends, counselling/therapy, spending time with loved ones, have a lie in, etc. Resources & support lines that might be helpful: https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/pet-bereavement/ https://www.rspca.org.uk/adviceandwelfare/pets/bereavement https://www.cruse.org.uk/about/blog/pet-loss/ https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/grief_support_center/grief_support_home.htm Rainbow Bridge Poem - Author Unknown There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of all its beautiful colours. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass. When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. The old and frail animals are young again. Those who were sick, hurt or in pain are made whole again. There is only one thing missing, they are not with their special person who loved them so much on earth. So each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly stops playing and looks up! The nose twitches! The ears are up! The eyes are staring and this one runs from the group! You have been seen and when you and your special friend meet, you take him in your arms and hug him. He licks and kisses your face again and again – and you look once more into the eyes of your best friend and trusting pet. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together never again to be apart.