Green and Red Flags in a Therapist
- Emily Duffy
- Sep 19
- 8 min read
It can be quite an intimidating experience to have therapy for the first time and not really knowing what to expect. I do have a couple of other posts around what to expect and the process but I thought I would also cover some of the common green and red flags in a therapist.
What are green and red flags?
Green flags are healthy and positive behaviours and approaches that your therapist has allowing you to feel safe in their presence and showing they are working ethically with you in mind.
Red flags are then behaviours and approaches that can cause harm and have a negative impact on you and your progress in therapy.
Green and red flags may look different for each person, and your "hardline" of when to call it quits with a therapist may also look different, but there are some universal flags that shouldn't be ignored.
Why they matter?
As mentioned green flags are behaviours that allow you to feel safe in the therapy room and with your therapist. It is reported in many studies that the therapeutic relationship is one of the most important factors for a client having a positive outcome and long lasting impact from therapy. So knowing how a therapist should behave ethically within their work is important as well as understanding your own preferences to make sure you're comfortable and can engage.
You are normally at a vulnerable point when seeking therapy, and so understanding what can be harmful behaviours from a therapist is important. Unfortunately therapy/counselling/psychotherapy isn't regulated in the UK and so anyone can call themselves a therapist! - I talk more about this in my blog post linked at the end of this post. Only certain titles are regulated under the HCPC such as Art Therapist. Whilst I would always encourage you to try and resolve things that pop up in therapy with your therapist, sometimes leaving and finding someone else is the best thing to do for yourself.
What are some green flags in therapy?
Affirming who you are and your experience - This doesn't mean agreeing with absolutely everything you say, but it means listening to your experience in the world, understanding it, and validating it. Therapists ideally have an understanding of intersectionality, in terms of how your identity and who you are in the world makes up your experiences. Affirming your experiences and your identity doesn't then mean your behaviour can't be challenged - both of these things can exist in parallel. E.g. as a white woman, I am not going to sit there and tell you your experience of racism isn't valid when you're a person of colour!
Challenging your perspective, narratives, & behaviours - As above, we are not here to agree with everything you say (you have ChatGPT for that 😉). The point of therapy is to look inwards and explore what's going on - this can mean your therapist might challenge you. This can be done in a gentle way or can be more directive depending on your therapist and your preferences. Challenges allow you to reflect and grow. A challenge isn't necessarily your therapist telling you you're wrong, but is a curiosity of if there is a different way of behaving/thinking/reacting to a situation. They may be wrong and that's okay, you can tell them that. If you're feeling your therapist is challenging everything you say or do and trying to push you into an ideology they believe in then this can quickly turn into a red flag!
Consistency - This isn't necessarily just turning up on time to sessions but how your therapist shows up to sessions. Part of the therapy work is the relationship between you and the therapist, and so consistency is a big part in this as it builds structure, trust, and safety in the space. It may be An occasional off session or being late or cancellation is okay, life happens and we do our best to contain it, but if you're therapist is consistently inconsistent this isn't holding their professional boundaries too well and may drift into a red flag, too.
Able to take criticism - Your therapist isn't always going to be right, we're not infallible! And you're absolutely allowed to tell us when we get things wrong. If you're therapist responds well to you telling them what is/isn't working, if something they said didn't sit right with you, the approach isn't working etc. then this is a green flag (If they get defensive and double down, this could turn into a red flag, too).
Meeting you where you are rather than pushing you into what they feel you "should" be - Your therapist will hopefully go at your speed. Yes, of course you want to move forward, but first the therapist needs to meet you where your at, to get an understanding of your experience before you can do the work on moving forward. E.g. if a client tells me they have a stressful week and so don't want to go into anything heavy, I will absolutely respect that and follow their lead on what they bring.
Continuing with CPD - CPD is often a requirement of professional membership bodies and is so that we stay up to date with relevant and recent research and developments in therapy. This allows us to make sure we're working with you and able to be informed on the content you bring to us.
Having their own therapy - Part of most ethical frameworks require you to keep on top of self-care. A big part of this can be having our own therapy for continued personal growth, maintenance of mental health, and to have space for anything that may have come up for us from sessions that we may not have realised before. This allows us to then hold our own stuff separately so we can be there for you in your space.
Sense of humour - this is more of a personal red flag, but I feel like therapists who allow themselves in the room and can have a laugh can be a great way of connecting and easing you into the space. There is a nuance here of it shouldn't all be laughs and so it needs to be in context and not avoidant of the hard work. E.g. if a client is using self depricaring humour I won't join in and may even challenge it, but if it's humour in other ways I will absolutely embrace this.
As you can see most of the green flags are pretty context dependant and can turn into red flags is not managed well.
What are some red flags in therapy?
Giving Advice - Much to common belief, a therapist shouldn't really be giving you advice. The point of therapy is to empower you to help yourself, and so giving you advice bypasses this. Your therapist may suggest things to help with coping or techniques but this is never a requirement. Your therapist might also look to explore a fantasy or options around a situation but again this isn't advice but just looking at what can be possible and allowing you to then make up your own mind on how to manage it. E.g. I might suggest trying a thoughts log in the week to notice what your inner narrative is saying and the it's up to you to do that. Another e.g. I'm not going to tell you how to respond to someone, but I might explore different ways you could respond and leave it to you to decide.
Work past their limits - As mentioned in the green flags self-care is important when working as a therapist, and so knowing what our limits are when working is important. For me this is knowing certain bits of work I'm not able to hold, having a limited amount of clients per day and then per week, making sure I have time in between sessions to decompress etc. If a therapist isn't taking time to know their limits it can end up meaning they will get burnt out and/or be inconsistent in how they show up to you.
Shame & judge you - Of course, everyone makes judgements, it's human to do so, but your therapist shouldn't be shaming you for what you bring to the session or outwardly judge you either. E.g. a therapist that calls you names "overdramatic", "daft", "too sensitive" etc. shouldn't be happening. A therapist should have different ways of looking at behaviour without shaming you in this way.
Make Sexual advances or pursue a relationship with you - The therapeutic relationship is a bit of a one sided one, it is our profession, so it is a professional relationship with certain boundaries. This means we aren't your friend or can we be involved with our clients in a romantic or sexual way. You may be friendly with each other in sessions as you build a relationship but the relationship remains in the confines of the therapy space. Meeting outside of sessions for coffee, a chat, or anything else isn't part of this relationship and I would caution you if your therapist suggests this to not accept. Contact with your therapist should also be boundaried, e.g. I allow clients to message me in between sessions as a holding space for anything that is going on they want to look at next session but want to write it out and send it to me in the meantime, to contact me about rearranging or cancelling sessions, or if they're looking for extra sessions. However we don't contact each other for anything else. It may be that feelings are developed between you that go past the therapeutic relationship, if you develop feelings for your therapist you can absolutely bring this into session to discuss and explore as part of your work as it can be meaningful work - but - your therapist should never take advantage of this or express reciprocation of romantic feelings. If a therapist were to have romantic feelings for a client they should discuss this in their supervision as to how to hold this separate to your work and how to work best with your interests as a priority - it may be that they're picking up of something in the work but again this is something to explore in their supervision rather than bring to you directly.
Over share their own experiences taking the focus off you - Disclosure in therapy is a balance where the therapist is involved. Some disclosure in the right way - for your benefit - can work really well and build in the connection and therapeutic relationship, however if your therapist is sharing too much, sharing inappropriate material, or making the session about them, this is absolutely a red flag and a therapist not holding their boundaries. E.g. I once had a therapist ask me what my gym was like and how much it was as they've thought of joining it too....rather than focusing on my experience of it! That felt really uncomfortable in the moment.
Push you to share your experience - Your therapist should take therapy at your pace, even if their approach is more directive and goal orientated. If you're seeing a therapist for trauma, for example, you only have to disclose this if and when you feel ready and comfortable to do so. Each client is different in how long this might take for them to feel safe enough to do, and your therapist should know this. If you say "no", your therapist needs to hear this. They might explore what's going on for you to say no, i.e. is it too difficult, is it not yet trusting, is it avoidance, etc. but to share the actual details should follow consent!
Are there any more you think I'm missing? Let me know in the comments!
Further Reading:
Finding the "right" therapist - not sure where to start? Check out my other post around looking for a therapist and questions you might ask them.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-find-a-good-therapist.htm
The ethical framework I follow - https://ncps.com/about-us/code-of-ethics
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