What is good enough?
- Emily Duffy
- Feb 18
- 4 min read
What is good enough?
This is a question that is so hard to answer for so many people when they don't feel good enough, but yet they don't know what good enough actually looks like.
This is especially true for those of us who battle perfectionism, scared of failing, or feel like we need to prove ourselves to others. We can replace the good with so many things and this narrative is still similar:
I'm not good enough
I'm not queer enough
I'm not sexual enough I'm not Black enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not monogamous enough I'm not ill enough for support or healthy enough to work
It is an overall sense that we aren't meeting someone's expectations. At some point in our life we have internalised this and start to believe that we're not good enough and it can start to impact our lives and the actions we take by reducing ourselves down, berating ourselves, not going to events because we don't feel we'll fit in etc.
It can start to impact how we see ourselves, our sense of worth in the world, how we feel others might perceive us, and our self-esteem. It can become a really insidious core belief about ourself, even though "good enough" can be such a subjective concept.
The Skewed View:
There are many reasons as to why you may slip into this distorted way of thinking and striving for perfection, feeling like nothing you do is "good enough". Somehow we get it twisted that good enough is this unattainable ultimate goal but actually it's really not that at all.
I felt this way in my private practice until my supervisor blew my mind with where good enough actually falls on a scale of "bad" to "perfect".
Logically I knew this, but thinking about it in this way really helped me see just *how much* pressure and unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself - yet I would never expect that from others either!
This skewed perfectionism & "good enough" mindset can come out in so many areas of life: family, friendships, relationships, values, morals, work, behaviours, standards, expectations, finances, health, productivity, housework, etc.
Challenging that narrative:
When we're born we don't have all of the stigma and societal expectations innate in our minds. These ways of thinking come from somewhere whether it's parents, peers, siblings, wider family, media, etc.
I've seen someone say asking the question "where did I learn this narrative?" to be a good challenge moments when we're not feeling good enough or we're being overly critical of ourselves.
Alternatively we can ask ourselves "who's voice does this remind me of?" to explore where this thought is coming from in our lives.
We could also challenge it by asking "good enough according to who?" who are we trying to be good enough for, and why?
Sometimes it can feel like an all or nothing situation of either I'm good enough or I'm nothing. This is still in the skewed view as above, as realistically good enough is the middle ground!! So challenging this of, well what is the minimum needed of me?
Comparison can also play a part in finding the middle ground. We often compare ourselves to ideals or people which we feel are out of our reach, "they're so much better than I am" (whether true or not!). What would it be like to compare yourself to someone (real or not) who is not as "good" as us in this situation?
This isn't a challenge that always works but for example, when looking at not feeling "queer enough" and comparing ourselves to people who run Pride events and are completely out with their identity we can feel like we're not doing enough to call ourself a part of the community - aside from the many variables that play into why we might not be as out there with our identity - this doesn't mean you're not "queer enough". I would argue that anything outside of being the straightest person on the fluidity scale is queer enough! Being any amount of queer is enough! This goes for any identity of religion, spirituality, race, gender, relationship type, etc.
Reminding yourself that everyone has to start somewhere can also be a good way of grounding this thought and challenging the belief. So, you might not be where you want to be, but it doesn't necessarily mean you can't get there. Everyone starts somewhere, it doesn't mean the starting point is your end point though.
This can also work around not feeling good enough with skills based situations. Try adding "yet" or "right now" to the end of the thought - I'm not where I want to be....yet.
The biggest thing. Being compassionate with yourself and remembering you're just one human! As much as we may want to be, you're not going to be the best at absolutely everything and never make any mistakes. You are enough as you are! You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but yourself.
Of course, there is a lot of nuance around all of these challenges as it can be so specific in certain situations. It can be really challenging in places like work where you have targets and expectations to meet, for example, as this can feel so tangible and real adding to the pressure we're already feeling.
If you do have situations where this is coming up for you and you feel it is impacting your life, it can be worth checking out therapy so that you can explore it deeper and hopefully learn a new narrative that doesn't feel as stifling.
So, let's think about that question again - what is good enough? Do you have an answer yet?
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