Perfectionism in Society

Emily Duffy
6 days ago
5 min read

I've been thinking a lot lately about perfectionism within our society and how it is so engrained - it's no surprise many of us have dips in mental health or develop mental health conditions! When I talk about society in this post, I am referring to the westernised society which imposes it's norms onto people of all cultures, races, religions, abilities, ages, within it.

Most of us learn to strive for perfection, even though we are only human and it is an unrealistic expectation to have on ourselves!

Definitions

Examples of perfectionism in society

When Perfectionism can be good

The Perception Skew

What we can do to challenge perfectionism within ourselves?

Resources

Definitions

First of all, lets start of with what perfectionism is. Dictionary.com defines perfectionism as, "a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.". Having these kind of standard for ourselves causes us to be under so much pressure that we are constantly feeling like a failure, like we're doing wrong, like we're useless.....

Secondly, a study into the 'Acceptance of Imperfection' states, "Some humans may have one or several favourable qualities that are well-developed, but because of the multidimensional nature of humans no individual can be denoted as perfect, flawless, or unequivocally without fault. All humans are imperfect." So, how are we meant to hold our selves to impossibly high standards of perfection, when we innately are not perfect? On top of this, perfection of one aspect of life (religion, morals, looks, personality, qualities, lifestyle etc.) will be different from one person to the next.

Some studies have found that perfectionism within young people has increased in more recent years - https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/01/perfectionism-young-people

And there are also suggestions that that neurodivergent individuals are more likely to have a perfectionist traits too - https://www.kristinvanvloten.com/writing/perfectionism-and-neurodivergence

Where perfectionism shows up in society

The 'ideal' or perfection runs so deep in our society, the more I think about it the more I see it.

Food - Have you noticed how 'wonky' veg is priced cheaper because it's not deemed the ideal shape for a vegetable? If you want to really read into it, it can give a message that something that is imperfect is less desirable and worth less than something deemed ideal. Food isn't made to be perfect - it's purpose for us is to be nutritious and this can be done whether it is the 'ideal' shape, colour, size, that society has deemed to be 'perfect'.

Relationship Types - It's no secret that our society puts monogamy on a pedestal even though there are many different relationship types that are equally as valid. There is often little positive representation of non-monogamous relationships, and when there is some representation it is often shown in a really stereotypical and negative way or as a side story - it plays into the narrative that monogamy is the 'ideal' and 'right' choice. When you go further into monogamy and societal values, the message is often to find "the one", that you are choosing someone else to be your everything and that they should be able to fulfil all of your needs - So. Much. Pressure! If we look at Disney (and most rom-coms), most of their classic messages were once the princess found "the one" they lived happily ever after as though everything was perfect, but life and relationships aren't like this, they are messy, can be complex, take work, and don't always fulfil all of our needs so it can mean compromising.

Body Image - From a young age we are told what our bodies "should" look like. Make up and beauty industries target young girls. Fitness industries and influencers target young boys. Everyone is subject to needing to present a certain way in society. Our weight and body shape are often incorrectly linked to our health. It leaks into what we eat, how we look, body modifications, and how we maintain fitness and health and it then impacts how we see ourselves and can lead to body dysmorphia and a negative body appreciation.

Work/School - Again from such a young age we are pushed into societies version of what is "good", a perfect attendance record and top grades are celebrated, whilst those who struggle with the education system and attendance are often punished rather than offered support (obviously there is nuance to this depending on your school).

This then carries over into work life where you are expected to have ambition and to keep progressing, hitting targets and performance goals rather than necessarily cultivating your current skills and position. Again there is an element of "attendance" where you can be punished if this isn't achieved.

When Perfectionism can be good

Whilst perfectionism can show up in most areas of life, it isn't always a bad thing; similar to stress, it can be helpful until it becomes overwhelming and maladaptive.

Perfectionism can boost motivation, it can give us something to aim for when it is set within realistic standards and with compassion.
When we have a healthy relationship with perfectionism, it can allow us to see "mistakes" or "failures" as opportunities to learn and grow. To improve on what we're already doing without the immense pressure.
It can allow us to have high standards for ourselves in what we're doing - but again providing our expectations are grounded in reality rather than being skewed.

The perception skew

There are many reasons as to why you may slip into this distorted way of thinking and striving for perfection, feeling like nothing you do is "good enough".

I felt this way in my private practice until my supervisor blew my mind with where good enough actually falls on a scale of "bad" to "perfect". Logically I knew this, but thinking about it in this way really helped me see just *how much* pressure and unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself - yet I would never expect that from others either!

This skewed perfectionism & "good enough" mindset can come out in so many areas of life: family, friendships, relationships, values, morals, work, behaviours, standards, expectations, finances, health, productivity, housework, etc.

What we can do to challenge perfectionism within ourselves?

Often the chase for perfectionism in some form actually means we neglect certain parts of our wellbeing. For example, I have often had perfectionism within my work - I once had a manager tell me to slow down, that I needed to learn that me giving just 50% is still probably as good a someone else's 100%! I was putting too much into my work and my health was taking the brunt of it all.

I was forced to challenge my perfectionism in order to look after my health. My perfectionism was spurred on by anxiety of doing things "right" and a fear of letting people down. For me, challenging it was about realising my perspective of what is "good enough" and what is "perfect" as well as learning to be compassionate with myself.

Challenging your inner narrative - What type of thoughts come to mind with your perfection - is it similar to my example above? What is your narrative behind if you're not perfect - "If I'm not perfect, I am....." Is this way of thinking based in reality with evidence or is it based out of anxiety and from external sources.
Self Compassion - Not hitting perfection can mean that we end up berating ourselves and punishing ourselves further - that we're not good enough. So, trying to be compassionate when finding ourselves leaning into perfectionism can help ease the pressure we put on ourselves.
Sitting with the idea of imperfection - What does imperfection look like? What would it be like to let yourself be imperfect?
Therapy - A therapist can help you explore the above ways of challenging perfectionism and dig deeper into the roots. Check out my availability here.