What is cheating?
- Emily Duffy
- Nov 18
- 7 min read
First of all lets define boundaries! What are boundaries?
I define a boundary as an expectation or need that we put in place for ourselves. These can then be communicated to others where they can decide if they want to respect/follow them or not. A boundary might look like:
Outlining what you are comfortable with in sexual intimacy, e.g. not wanting to give or receive oral would be a sexual boundary
Asking for more space in the relationship, e.g. saying I would like Thursday nights for myself each week.
Stating your right to privacy, e.g. not wanting to share passwords for devices.
A rule is then something we impose for others to follow. Taking the examples from above to show the contrast:
Stating sexual acts you want your partner to do, e.g. have to have sex every day
Enforcing space in the relationship e.g. telling your partner to be out the house on Thursdays
Enforcing privacy rules, e.g. having the same passwords for unshared devices so you can check your partners device.
I like the example by Dr. Sarah Davies about boundaries being fences we put up around our garden. I then take this to mean, we still have a gate so people can come in, but the fences allow our garden to be maintained. We are not putting up fences on other peoples gardens (rules) just our own, and sometimes there might be joint land which we boundary off together (mutual agreements). Our fences aren't walls or built so high that we can't see others, but they are firm enough to allow us safety. Without fences our gardens might become overrun, unmanaged, and allow people in when we wouldn't want them to be.
Boundaries are important to explore and discuss as individuals but also as relationships as they help us know what our expectations and needs are, as well as communicating these to our partners.
So, what is cheating?
I would define cheating as a break in trust and boundaries within a relationship; it normally involves some sort of dishonesty and deception.
This can be different for each relationship as each relationships boundaries will be different depending on the people involved. For some a boundary of "if flirting happens outside of our exclusive dyad, this for me would be cheating" and for others it might be more to do with sexual contact but flirting is okay.
It's important to note that cheating can happen in any relationship type - not just monogamous relationships! You might be in a polyamorous relationship where you have agreed within your dyad that other partners are okay, you don't need notice, you just need them to be practicing safe sex as you two are fluid bonded and don't use protection - it would also be important here to define what you mean by safe sex, for this example though we'll go with using condoms - however you then find out that your partner hasn't been practicing safe sex with others; this would be cheating and I have also seen some people would also argue that this is sexual abuse as it compromises your bodily autonomy and violates your safe sex practice.
Cheating can happen in many different ways. There is also what people call emotional cheating where your partner has withdrawn emotionally from your relationship but is talking to someone else in an intimate way.
Are there grey areas?
There is a term coined by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling called "microcheating". This is small and secretive behaviours/actions done by one partner which shows interest to others outside of their relationship. For me this includes when boundaries might be broken but the boundary was never discussed or realised before. For example, this might be a partner liking photos of someone's social media account or commenting on photos. This can be seen as a "common expectation" not to do in relationships and so this is why it wasn't discussed, it was just assumed to be an agreement, however for many people their expectations are so different we can't assume things like this, especially when it can lead to hurt and mistrust down the line.
Why do people cheat?
There is no set reason as to why people cheat in relationships, and so this isn't something I can generalise. However a small study found 8 motivations for why people might engage in an affair:
Selterman et al., found eight different variables which related to infidelity motivation. These included things such as feeling angry at a partner’s behaviour; wanting more sex than is available in the primary relationship; wanting more intimacy and love than is available to them; having low commitment to the relationship; wanting greater autonomy; clouded judgement due to situational factors, such as stress; feeling mistreated or neglected; and wanting a greater number of sexual partners - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/#sec4-ijerph-20-03904 section 4.9
This is such a complex and nuanced topic that it could be it's own separate post but there can be many things that lead to someone cheating on their partner - the reasons are not excuses, but just an understanding of what is behind the behaviour.
Essentially though, cheating comes from not being able to communicate effectively within your relationship about your feelings, needs, and expectations within the relationship and so their is a motivation to look to fulfil these outside of the relationship.
This research is fairly unique in that not many studies have looked into the "why" of people cheating and so previously it has been assumed that cheating comes from the breakdown of the relationship in some form:
Selterman and colleagues found that men were more likely to report being motivated to cheat by sexual desire, variety and situational forces, while women were more likely to be motivated by neglect. Further, they say the variety and diversity of motivations associated with infidelity suggest it can happen to anyone—even couples in seemingly stable relationships.
“We often hear that infidelity is a symptom, not a cause, of a damaged relationship,” Selterman said. “Our research suggests it’s not that simple: People cheat for a variety of reasons, many of which are not a direct reflection of a relationship’s health.” - https://umdrightnow.umd.edu/why-do-people-cheat-umd-research-identifies-8-motivating-factors
However, as mentioned it is a small study made up of mostly heterosexual individuals and so there is much more research needed to be done in this area.
How to talk to your partner if you've broken the boundaries?
This likely to be a very difficult conversation for both/all of you and so it's important that you go into this holding the space for your partner(s) as they will have some form of reaction to your disclosure.
It can be worth writing out what you want to say before talking to your partner. This can allow you to work out what you want to say, process some of the emotions you may be feeling, and allow you to manage your expectations around the outcome.
It is best to avoid blaming language in this conversation - though you can't control how your partner might communicate as your partner may very well resort to this due to the shock and anger they might be feeling so do bare this in mind. But trying to keep your language in terms of "I am/I feel" and "when X happened, I...."
You might want to look at what you're wanting out of the conversation. This may not be the outcome but it is good to have an idea of your expectations and needs in case they aren't met.
Think about your apology and what you want to say. Why are you apologising? What will you do going forward to make amends? An apology tends to be "I am sorry for X, I know this really hurt you, I will look to do X, Y, Z going forward"
It may be that your partner might need time to process this information and may ask for space. This can be challenging but is something to respect. Ideally you will look at how this space can be managed in terms of dependants, boundaries of what it looks like, and check ins to reassess as you both go.
If you're the victim of cheating you are absolutely within your right to state you need space whether from the conversation or from the relationship, but do try and think of what this space looks like so that it is boundaried for both of you. Go away and think of what is coming up for you, how you're feeling, what you want, your expectations going forward. Then come back to this in a few hours/days to reassess. Your first gut reaction might be different to how you feel with some time, but it is important to recognise this reaction and acknowledge. You do not have to do anything in the moment.
The after effects?
Cheating can bring emotional turbulence to the relationship, as well as both individuals. There can be feelings of anger, disgust, humiliation, and anxiety from the victim of cheating. It has been noted that all genders tend to have similar responses in their emotions however women are more likely to feel these more intensely (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/). The perpetrators are also likely to feel shame, guilt, and anxiety.
There can be a breakdown in the relationship with both individuals having some form of identity crisis, and the victim having responses similar to a fear of abandonment.
I can not tell you what is "right" for you or your relationship. It may be that you want to and feel able to work through the betrayal and rebuild trust and communication. It may be that you try and then change your mind. It might be that you want to end things and don't want to work on the relationship. Having personal therapy can be useful in moments like this as it can give you space of your own to try and work out what is is you want and how to go about it.
I would also suggest relationship counselling would be a great place to start for if you are looking to rebuild your relationship, if you're both unsure, or even if you're looking to break up and have dependants.
orous but not being honest about their relationships then this is just cheating.
Being gay or bi doesn't mean that you are going
Other Resources:
Esther Perel has some amazing resources around infidelity and relationships - https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?si=OQ6ASkuapJ7OcKRQ
Find a therapist via COSRT - https://www.cosrt.org.uk/search-members/
Find a therapist with Relate and access resources - https://www.relate.org.uk/
https://www.wondermind.com/article/how-to-stop-overthinking-after-being-cheated-on/
How to have a conversation around wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries - How to use the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord
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