8 Types of Grief (And Why Loss Isn't Just About Death)

Jul 27
6 min read

There are so many different types of grief and I'm going to go through 8 different types to give more of an overview of how we can experience grief in our life and try to take the "taboo" away from a universal experience.

Non-bereavement grief

This is loss that isn't the death of a living being. This could be so much in life like losing a dream job, your house in a fire, or the life you thought you might have. Some more detailed examples might be:

Those with chronic illnesses can experience grief. This often comes with the loss of the life you thought you were going to have because your symptoms become limiting. An example of this for me is with exercise. I used to do SO much (running, bouldering, pole dancing, gym, swimming, dancing, aerial silks, hoop, etc.) and it was such a stress reliever and mood booster for me. However since my chronic illnesses have become so impactful I am unable to do any of this anymore.
Trans folx, queer peeps, and those with late ND diagnosis might mourn the life that they felt they could have had provided they had the support earlier in life that they didn't originally get.

Even though this isn't the loss of a living being, it doesn't make it any less impactful on the individual.

Anticipatory Grief

This is a grief that you feel for someone/something before the loss happens. It can be a really long process for people depending on how long the anticipation of the grief goes on for. For some this might be short term but it could also be long term.

Some examples of this could be:

Terminal Illnesses of someone in your life. I experienced this recently with my dog. He had lymphoma for 13 months before eventually passing from it. Unfortunately lymphoma in dogs isn't curable and so we knew for the full 13 months that at some point treatment would no longer work and we would need to make a decision to say goodbye. The grief hit in waves for the full 13 months, especially in moments where the treatment we were trying was no longer working and we had to try something else or switch to pure palliative care.
Progressive disabilities - living with a condition that you know is going to progressively get worse. This doesn't necessarily mean your condition is terminal but that life will become less accessible in this society and this can bring on a lot of anticipatory grief for how life is going to look in the future.
Moving away from support system or knowing someone in the polycule is going to be ending a relationship (losing a meta) - losing a relationship within your polycule (or constellation) can be an anticipatory grief as you're watching it from the "sidelines" yet still will feel the impact of the loss and break-up when it happens in different ways.

Experiencing anticipatory grief doesn't then mean you won't still grieve the physical loss when it actually happens.

a heart shaped cloud that has the colours of the rainbow on it. It is within a blue partially cloudy sky where the other clouds remain white/grey — Rainbow Cloud From Unsplash

Ambiguous Grief

This is a loss without closure or an ending. For example:

Going no contact with someone/or being cut off. Whilst the physical person is still there, the relationship is no more and this can bring on its own type of grief. There can be an absoluteness in knowing that the break off in the relationship is for the best overall but you can also miss that relationship at the same time. It might also be if you've been cut off, having no control over the loss of a relationship with someone you wanted to stay in touch with.
It could be having someone in your life with dementia where you have them in your life but not as who they once were. You're mourning who they once were before you've had the physical loss of the person still in your life.
Mourning the loss of a pet who ran away can also be ambiguous grief as there can be hope that your pet is out there somewhere but you are grieving the loss of them in your day to day life as it does carry on without them.

It can be a really difficult grief as it can leave you with so many questions that may never get answered.

Complex Relational Grief

This is grief of a loss of a being in which you had a complex relationship with. Most often this is relationships with someone who may have been an abuser. There may be what you would "expect" from grief but there may also be other emotions like joy or relief mixed in.

This can also be true for those who have lost someone with terminal illness where they have been in a caring role. There will be grief but there can be a big sense of relief in being able to have more space for focusing on themselves again.

It may also just be that you feel ambivalent to the loss itself and not really feel one way or another about it.

Disenfranchised Grief

This is a grief that isn't often acknowledged or supported by society. For example:

Pet loss - the term "it's just a dog/cat/rabbit/bird/hamster/snake/fish/...." comes to mind. People don't see the deep connection that we can have with animals and where many who have pets know them as core family members. This can be especially true for those who have service animals as this is a compounded loss with the loss of your family member but also the loss of your support and accessibility to the world.
Non-monogamous break-ups - Non-monogamous relationships are often stigmatised. There is a feeling that they're not as serious or committed, and so when someone experiences a break-up or loss within their non-monogamous constellation it can be underestimated how much of an impact this has on the individual and the full constellation dynamic too.

Cumulative/Compounded Grief

A grief that builds due to multiple losses in a short period. This doesn't have to just be losses due to the physical loss of someone but it could be having a break-up, bereavement, and being evicted all in 6 months. That's 3 different types of loss that have all happened in close succession that hasn't given the person much time to process it all and so it becomes compounded.

This could also be something that people experience where multiple miscarriages are happening in a fertility journey. The same type of loss and grief, even when separate in their event, can be compounded and cumulative.

Black-and-white photo. It's a close-up of drooping white flowers on a stem. The plant is against a soft blurred gray background. — From Unsplash

Collective Grief

This is where a community is grieving something together. A few examples of this might be:

The loss of a public figure can bring out collective grief. A big one for me was the loss of Matthew Perry as Friends was such a comfort show for me, as it was for many other people, so losing someone who you never actually knew but impacted your life in similar ways to others and sharing that with other people is collective grief.
Berlin pride killing (queer community in mourning) or TDoR (Trans Day of Remembrance) - where communities reflect on the loss of members of that community together due to a shared purpose. There can also be a loss in the sense of safety that the communities feel in society when attacks are made due to who we are.

Complicated Grief

This is a prolonged period of grief and getting stuck in the grief. Generally speaking, grief becomes more manageable, in that we find ways to process it and live with it where it isn't so disabling. However for those experiencing complicated grief, they stay stuck in the intensity of the initial grief where they're unable to manage in the day-to-day.

How types of grief can overlap:

A lot of these types of grief can actually overlap too, e.g. The events with JK Rowling now supporting anti-trans groups and sharing transphobic messages was a huge hit to Harry Potter fans within the queer community and who are allies of the queer community. This is:

Collective grief as a community
Disenfranchised grief of a book/film series
Non-Bereavement grief of people's identity and childhood
Complex Relational grief of a series that is still loved as it gave such meaning but the author who stands against who you are
And Ambiguous grief as many went "no contact" and cut out anything to do with Harry Potter because of it all.

There is an awful lot to 'grief'!!

Some extra musings on grief from me:

Grief is a universal experience and yet, we don't tend to have much of a culture of talking about loss, death, and grief in our Western Society.
Grief isn't taboo! It is normal, natural, and part of a process in loss.
When grief is intense, sudden, and/or complicated it can lead to mental health conditions such as anxiety disorders, depression, or PTSD. So if you are struggling with grief to a level where it is consistent and disruptive please do reach out for support.
In saying that, grief can feel really isolating, but please know you don't have to be alone in it.

a photo of a close up of a huddle of people all holding their arms into the centre. The photo only shows everyone's forearms and hands joined in the middle. — From Unsplash

Where to go from here?

Check out my blog post How to cope with grief which goes through the process of grief in more detail and has loads of resources at the end.
Check out my related posts below for further reading on different bereavement and grief related topics.
Reach out for support:
- General bereavement helpline - https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/
- Pet bereavement helpline - https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss
- Parents grieving the loss of a child - https://www.tcf.org.uk/
- Baby loss & miscarriage helpline and support - https://www.sands.org.uk/support-you/how-we-offer-support/helpline
- Bereaved by suicide support - https://uksobs.org/
- Mental health crisis helpline - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/