How to use the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord

First of all, what is Relationship Anarchy?

A relationship anarchist doesn't adhere their relationships to societal norms or even labels. Each relationship will be its own individual and unique dynamic that works for the partners involved, which includes platonic and romantic relationships too. The term was coined by Andie Nordgren in 2006 via her Relationship Anarchy Manifesto. Nordgren proposes that even though Western society has started to shift allowing a more varied and accepted types of relationships (divorce, premarital sex, same-sex relationships, interracial relationships etc.) there are still norms on what these romantic relationships, and 'valid' love 'should' look like to fit with the societal norm. Breaking away from these norms can be difficult, especially if you don't really have others around you who are breaking away too! So, Nordgren published her manifesto to outline some points of reflection for those thinking of living as a RA.

The manifesto comprises of:

• Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique - love is not a finite resource, we can love multiple people at the same time in different ways. "Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them"

• Love and respect instead of entitlement - This is about trusting and respecting someone else's decisions, letting them have their autonomy without compromise or demands, allowing the relationship to be mutual. "Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship."

• Find your core set of relationship values - Finding your own set of core values that you can apply to your relationships.

• Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you - Being secure in your relationships without being swayed by others who may question the validity of the relationship due to it differing from the 'social norm'.

• Build for the lovely unexpected - Being able to meet each other where you're at without the demands of shoulds or threat of punishment.

• Fake it til’ you make it - essentially visualising the core beliefs and way of being you want for yourself and being able to find strength within yourself to follow that even when things feel difficult.

• Trust is better - "Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship."

• Change through communication - "Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart — not as a state of emergency only brought out to solve “problems”." Being open and explicit about what is going on for yourself, your wants and desires too. Trying not to leave what is said open to interpretation. If you're wanting to break away from the norms, then you need to be able to communicate how this will look for you and others involved.

• Customize your commitments - "Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything — it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you..". I really want to highlight this quote because I think this is core to RA. It isn't about being reckless and lawless, but it's about doing things in your own way - or a joint way - which isn't dictated by others.

Nordgren, A. (2006). The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy. https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/andie-nordgren-the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship-anarchy 

Okay, so what's the RA Smorgasbord?

This is the RA smorgasbord; it allows you to sit down with someone you have a connection with and look at what you want your relationship to look like, kind of like adding items onto a shared plate. The idea is that you can 'design' the relationship based on mutual beliefs, expectations, responsibilities etc. Mutual in this case is if both/all parties agree on a 'facet'.

From:  https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ole-martin-moen-aleksander-sorlie-the-ethics-of-relationship-anarchy

There are other versions out there now of this too which adapt and add some things to think about when having this conversation with your connections, such as Mike Hills 2019 version:

Whilst these were created for RA, I can see this being a really useful tool for any relationship in looking at what you both want, need, and expect from your relationship and if you match up in that way or if further conversation needs to be had on what it might look like without matching up. I call this having a relationship audit. A chance to take stock of how you're both feeling in the relationship, what's working and feels safe, what's missing, and maybe what doesn't feel so good or safe. It may be that you do this as a one-off check in every year or so, or it may be that you do minor check ins more frequently throughout your relationship so you can stay on the same page and get into any conversations without it building up - though of course, there's no requirement to schedule this kind of conversation in!

So, how do we have this conversation?

You could let the conversation happen organically and use the bord as a guide of topics that you're both drawn to.

You could go through the bord section by section, so you cover everything and acknowledge if something doesn't feel relevant to you all.

Personally, I would suggest taking some time to sit with the bord individually at first. Go through it, thinking about your connection with the other person(s); think about about what you would want in this connection, what you need, and what you expect (non-negotiable).

Get a pen and paper and list out your wants, needs, and expectations. You could do this by creating a table with a column for each or it may be that you bullet point each section of the smorgasbord and colour code the want, need, and expectation.

So it could look like:

	Wants	Needs	Expectations
Emotional Intimacy		Words of affection, especially in moments where reassurance is needed	To check in with each other often
Companionship	Intellectual discussions	Playfulness, comfort	To have a day for quality time a week
Domestic	To share a sleeping space with each other majority of the week	To share meals with each other a couple of times a week	To live in the same house

Once you have this together you can then join up and go through each others lists and talk about how this will look between you both.

What are wants, needs, and expectations?

• Want - A want is something that you would like to have with your connection. It is a desired facet of your relationship that can maybe be compromised on or not met as often - though frequency on this not being met will be different for everyone. They're not things that can be ignored completely but they're not something that are essential to the core of the connection.

• Need - This is something that feels fundamental to the connection. Meeting each others needs is what makes a relationship feel compatible and safe. We might not be able to meet every need but it is important to consider them and if you can't meet them what this means for the relationship as some needs will be non-negotiable.

• Expectations - in a way your expectations are how you're both going to meet each others wants and needs and if these are realistic and reasonable on each other. They create the boundaries of your relationship and the way in which you will "be" with each other.

  
  

What if our wants are different?

If your wants and needs are different it is good to talk about whether they are things you feel able to commit to for each other.

It might be that your partner wants you to share a meal 3 times a week. This isn't necessarily a need for you but it's about whether you feel able to commit to this need, or what it might look like if you don't feel able to do that.

Try not to get defensive with each other. This isn't about hurting the other person, it's about looking at how your relationship is working and how you can continue to make it work for you both/all.

If you really don't feel that sharing meals is something you can commit too, then try to look at if this need can be met in other ways. What is it about sharing a meal that feels like a need? Is this something that can be done in a different way? Or by someone else (friendships or other relationships)?

Hopefully through the conversation you can find a way to meet each others wants and needs and if not look at how you can manage those wants and needs in different ways.

What about needs & expectations?

Needs & Expectations will need a similar conversations but it may be that if we can't meet our connections needs and expectations that the relationship isn't compatible in that way. This doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship but it may mean reframing what this relationship is to you both.

e.g. if one partner had the need & expectation that you would be exclusive with each other and not see anyone else sexually, but you wanted to be open sexually, it will mean having a deeper conversation of what you both want your relationship to look like and if there's a way you could both be comfortable on being completely exclusive, one of you being exclusive to the other and the other being open sexually, or whether there doesn't feel a middle ground and so you need to deescalate your relationship to look differently where you both get what you need - this may mean not having a sexual relationship anymore but still having an emotional connection, maybe friendship, maybe break up completely.

Final thoughts:

The relationship smorgasbord is an amazing resource for any relationship at any stage.

If you enjoyed this post and want to know more about relationship diversity and navigating them, check out my Beginners Guide to Non-Monogamy and if you're a therapist check out my CPD on Working with Non-Monogamous Clients

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