What makes a safe space in therapy?
- Jul 21
- 4 min read
It is so common nowadays to see therapists advertising themselves as someone who holds a safe space for their clients, but what does that actually mean?
I used to think this way too; that if I was a "safe person" then that was me offering a safe space. However, this raises even more questions of what is a safe person? Because what one person finds safe, might not be safe for another. So, after much reflection, my feeling is that it's actually about co-creating a safe space specific to the individuals in the room, the safety has to come from both people individually and together as a collaboration. Being "safe" isn't a set state, it is fluid and relational.
How do we co-create a safe space?
Consistency
This isn't just about your therapist showing up on time or not cancelling often. It's having boundaries set out so both of you know exactly where you stand in the relationship.
It's allowing ND folx the space to be themselves without changing the "rules" on them
It's allowing chronically ill and disabled peeps flexibility and predictability in their unpredictable moments
It's sticking to your contract when you need to cancel or rearrange or ask for payment
It's about clear communication around the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship from both the client(s) and the therapist
Intersectionality
This is so important in all of our work. Diversity is amazing and needed, AND it also needs to be recognised in the room.
I know that my experience as someone who became chronically ill isn't going to be the same as someone who was born disabled.
Intersectionality doesn't need to be focused on but it does need to be understood in terms of how someone's experience of the world has impacted them and influenced their narratives.
It also shouldn't be ignored. Similar to the phrase "I don't see colour". This is such a seemingly "well meaning" statement by people who haven't looked into it much further than wanting to treat people the same. However people's experience's aren't the same! And those experiences do have an impact. So yes, treat everyone fairly but also acknowledge and understand what they've been through to be where they are.
If you want to check out more on why intersectionality is important in therapy you can check out my dedicated post here - The Importance of Intersectionality in Therapy
Again this can come from both the client(s) and the therapist side of the relationship in addressing the intersectionality in the room, how these can differ, be similar, and impact the experience and understanding of the world.
Vulnerability & Honesty
Part of building trust is to be able to be honest and vulnerable. Research has shown that building the therapeutic relationship/alliance is a big part of a positive outcome in therapy.
This might be explaining why you're cancelling a session without making something up.
It might be talking about difficult topics, but also explaining that you find it to be a difficult topic.
hopefully your therapist will take this at your pace without pushing you to share details when you're not ready.
It might be unmasking and experiencing what that is like in a confined space to your day-to-day life
It might be the therapist offering some self-disclosure as a way to validate, explain, or offer suggestions to your situation.
Inner work -This will be done as part of the therapy work for clients, but for therapists this should also be an ongoing process either through professional development, training, or self-reflection.
Challenging your unconscious biases
Your therapist keeping up to date with the areas they work with
Doing the exercises suggested to you to try them and see how they feel
Accountability
Being able to hold yourself or each other accountable with compassion
e.g. If your therapist uses the wrong pronouns for you, being able to bring this to them so that they can apologise, take accountability for their mistake, and correct themselves going forward.
e.g. If you keep missing sessions, being able to accept the cancellation policy, pay for sessions, and look at what's going on for this to keep happening.
Approach & engagement -
Your therapist being able to adapt their approach to you and your preferences
Your therapist being able to know their limits and competencies and refer you on to someone more specialised if needed, e.g. if somatic work is something you want to focus on in depth, a CBT therapist might need to refer you to someone else if they haven't done any training in this area.
As a client, being able to engage with the content and suggestions being made by your therapist for "homework" or exercises. If they don't work for you then that's okay, just let your therapist know so that they can reassess the approach.
Is it ever truly safe?
I believe it can be, but it very much depends on the people involved, the environment created, and the situations that arise within that environment.
Safety isn't about the absence of rupture or conflict. It may be that things come up that cause a rupture within the space. But it's about being able to address those ruptures and have reliable repair.
The ideal isn't perfection; It is a space where both of you can hear each other without getting defensive, to have a relationship which adapts, and an environment that can be consistent to where you're at.
If you don't feel safe in therapy, please remember you don't have to stay in that space. It is important to try and notice the difference between being uncomfortable/avoidance and feeling unsafe (a threat to your wellbeing), as sometimes therapy can feel uncomfortable due to being vulnerable!
My rule of thumb is: if you have spoken to your therapist about something that's making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe and they get defensive, don't take accountability, nothing has changes, and/or you feel threatened, then you absolutely need to put yourself first and are allowed to get out of that situation.
Remember that not every therapist is going to be the best fit for you. Whilst it is exhausting to do, it is okay to "interview" as many therapists as you need until you find someone you can feel comfortable with the uncomfortable with! Want to know what to look out for when searching for a therapist check out my other blog post here - Finding the 'right' therapist for you
What do you find is the hardest part about building a safe space in therapy?
0%Fear of being judged
0%Speaking up when I feel uncomfortable
0%Previous bad experience(s)
0%Feeling misunderstood
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