The Compersion Trap in Non-Monogamy
- Emily Duffy
- Jul 7
- 3 min read
What is Compersion?
Compersion is sometimes called the opposite of jealousy in the non-monogamy world. Essentially it is feeling happy for someone else's happiness. Whilst it is a term mostly known for non-monogamous relationships in relation to your partner(s) experiencing joy with others, this isn't something that is exclusive to non-monogamy and actually many of us will recognise this feeling with other relationships too.
For example, if a friend tells you their exam results that they are really happy with and you are then happy for them, this could be classed as compersion. Another example might be when your friend gets engaged and you join in on their elation too.
What's the compersion trap?
There can be a feeling of needing to feel compersion for our partners, a sense of "If I don't then I'm not doing non-monogamy 'right'", or feeling like a 'bad person' for not sharing in their happiness.
This can put a lot of pressure on ourselves and the relationship! And it's pressure that isn't needed.
It can also mean that we avoid any jealousy that might arise too, even though that jealousy is often something to acknowledge and understand.
I like to think of it as all emotions are messages/signals trying to tell us something. Jealousy is something that is often triggered by our own insecurities as it is a feeling based in fear of losing something valued to us. As Jasmine Chen put it, “If you’re worried you may lose something (or someone) to another person, you’re experiencing jealousy. But if you’re yearning for what someone else currently has that you don’t, that’s envy.”
How you might look at jealousy:
Are you feeling jealousy or envy?
What is it trying to tell you?
What do you need right now?
How might you express this to your partner(s) without blame?
How you might process it:
Write out what is going on for you without judgement
Speak to someone you trust (therapist, friend, partner)
Write a letter to yourself/your partner/the jealousy or from the jealousy
You might also find ways to distract yourself from intense feelings of jealousy when it comes up (normally when your partner goes on a date) - some people like to carve this time out for themselves and see it as dating themselves. So doing something you enjoy that fulfils you.
How can you get out of the trap?
It is so difficult to manage multiple relationships and the dynamics around it all, especially if you are also new to it and unlearning the mono-normative scripts we often learn growing up! But there are a few things you can do to get out of the pressurised trap of feeling like you need to experience compersion:
Finding and accepting the neutral 'zone' between compersion and jealousy. You don't have to experience either for your experience of non-monogamy to be valid. Just being okay with the experience is absolutely fine!
This doesn't mean that you don't care but rather that you are at peace/contentment with the relationship and your relationship with yourself too.
Remember you're human and all emotions are allowed. This doesn't mean you should react to every emotion, but rather feel it, acknowledge it, and then respond to it.
Be gentle with yourself. It's all a learning curve and how you speak to yourself is so important in the process.
You can dance between compersion, jealousy, and/or neutral (and anything else). Emotions and states are fluid. You might feel jealous whilst your partner is out on the date, feel compersion when they tell you about their experience, and then feel neutral about it later on.
Remember there is no "right" way to be non-monogamous. You might prefer parallel polyamory without many details or you might prefer a kitchen table polyamory dynamic.
Want to know more about non-monogamy? Check out my other resources here:
An overview of non-monogamy relationships - https://www.emilyduffytherapy.co.uk/post/understanding-ethical-consensual-non-monogamous-relationships
A guide in to Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord and how to use it - https://www.emilyduffytherapy.co.uk/post/how-to-use-the-ra-smorgasbord
My beginners guide to non-monogamy with overviews, ways to navigate relationships, ways to regulate your emotions, and more. There is also a free summary download with more resources on the page too - https://www.emilyduffytherapy.co.uk/beginnersguidenm
My CPD course which has been quality checked by NCPS and is for those wanting to learn more about working with non-monogamy in therapy - https://www.emilyduffytherapy.co.uk/cpd-non-monogamy
Looking for therapy? Check out my availability below:
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