What is a Triad?

If you're not too sure on what non-monogamy is, do check out my post on Understanding ethical/consensual non-monogamous relationships first.

So, What is a Triad?

A triad is a type of relationship found in non-monogamous dynamics. It is where 3 people are mutually dating each other.

This can be a closed off triad/relationship where none of the 3 individuals date anyone else outside of each other, or it could be an open triad where they still date other people outside of the triad dynamic.

How this might look in regards to the polycule: a polycule is a term to describe the dynamics and relationships between individuals and if we were to draw them out they would look similar to molecules. Check out my full insta post here.

As you can see in the diagrams, a person will be symbolised with a circle and their relationship with a coloured line to show either romantic connection or metamour connection. A metamour is your partner's partner.

A closed triad would be 3 people in one relationship but there are also 3 other relationships involved too.

As the image states:

A & B have a relationship

A & C have a relationship

B & C have a relationship

And then all three of A, B, & C have a relationship together.

So in total a triad involves 4 different relationship dynamics that all need to be maintained and worked on.

An open triad however involves even more relationships. There are the 4 as mentioned above and then the additional relationships outside of the triad.

In this example, person B has another partner outside of the triad, person D.

And so Person A has a meta relationship with person D. And Person C also has a meta relationship with person D.

This adds another layer of complexity to the dynamics. As well as how each individual practices non-monogamy too.

E.g. Person C might want parallel relationships with metamours (metas) meaning that they don't really want any contact. This might make it difficult if both Person A, B, and D all want Kitchen Table style dynamics where all hang out together.

E.g. Even though in a closed triad, person C might practice solo polyamory and so doesn't want to live with either of their partners, share financial responsibilities etc. This can make the dynamic complicated if both persons A and B would prefer to all be nesting partners (cohabiting).

As you can see, a triad is a complicated dynamic type. Often in polyamory communities there are people new to polyamory who want to cultivate a triad relationship. This is okay to want, but the understanding of the dynamics and the unethical practices need to be within someone's foundation of knowledge before jumping in, otherwise it can cause harm to other people involved.

Some unethical practices:

Unicorn Hunting -

This is a process where a dyad (couple) decide they want to introduce another person into their dynamic. This could be for a purely sexual relationship, purely romantic, or both.

Whilst, some feel this can be done in a 'somewhat' ethical way, many believe that this is a predatory process. Often the newest connection is labelled the "third" which can be seen as dehumanising.

The "unicorn" is the "third". They are seen as the unicorn as often the original dyad is looking for someone with specific expectations of qualities/personality/looks (though not always but we'll get on to that!). Most commonly this is dyads looking for bisexual women, however it does apply to anyone and the term "dragon" is sometimes used when talking about bisexual men.

N.B. Whilst unicorn was originally used for bisexual cis women, it is now used as a catch all term for anyone of any gender or sexuality being 'hunted' for by an established couple.

Unicorns-r-us is a great website to get more of an understanding on unicorn hunting.

Couple's Privilege -

Part of unicorn hunting and triads formed from an existing and established dyad is couple's privilege.

This is where an established couple open their relationship but have rules to follow in their other relationships, meaning it can take away some of the autonomy from the other individuals they might be dating.

A big example of this is where couples give each other "veto power". This is where Person A can tell person B that they veto (don't allow) them to go to a certain place with person C. This means person A is dictating what B and C can do together, but on top of that, it doesn't even give person C a say in their own relationship with B!

But it can also be much more 'subtle' forms of privilege like the couple being married, sharing a house, or not being "out" as polyamorous to friends and family meaning their other relationships are hidden and excluded from parts of the couple's lives. These parts of couple's privilege aren't (often) done from a malicious standpoint, but they do have an impact on the individuals outside of the couple and need to be acknowledged when anyone opens their existing relationship. When it's not acknowledged a community term for it is "Sneakyarchy" i.e. sneaky hierarchy, where even though the original dyad state they aren't hierarchical, in practice this sneaks into the dynamic and does mean a hierarchy is in place. Hierarchy isn't necessarily a demonised thing, so long as it is acknowledged and again everyone involved is in full informed consent.

You can read more on this on the links below -

Poly land looks at sneakiarchy

More on Couple's Privilege by Polyforus

What is OPP -

This could be classed as another couple's privilege example, but it is generally just an unethical and controlling way of practicing non-monogamy.

OPP stands for One Penis Policy, or I've also seen One Pussy Policy, where there is a rule that there can only be one person with a penis/vagina in the relationships.

e.g. a dyad involving a cis man (A) and cis woman (B). Person A tells B that they are only okay with them dating outside of their dyad so long as she only dates other cis women dictating that his is the only penis in the polycule/dynamic. This can extend outside of polyamory and be something that is found in other non-monogamous relationships too.

Some people might be okay with this arrangement - and if all adults are enthusiastically consenting with fully informed consent then it is not generally a "problem" - however often it is a rule enforced due to the feeling of threat that people face of their partner dating someone of the same gender to them.

This can also then raise the question around how does this work with trans and NB people?

You can read more in depth on this here on non-monogamy help, what is an opp in polyamory.

How to ethically be in a triad?

Is it actually possible to be in an ethical triad?

Yes, but it can be difficult. Generally speaking, a triad isn't something to be forced, but rather something to happen organically as connections grow with other people.

It's okay to be a dyad wanting to have a triad relationship. That's absolutely okay. But don't force it on to people. I've seen so many posts/conversations about someone joining a dating site, hitting it off with someone, turning up to the date and their dates partner is also there! This completely removes any type of informed consent and autonomy from being in that situation and is not okay.

So, how can you do this ethically?

Understand your limits - limits can change, so this can be tricky. But try to get a sense of your capacity for relationships. Do you feel you have the capacity to be managing more than one romantic relationship on top of the rest of your life? Polysaturation is real, and it's where you hit a limit on the amount of people you are able to date in a way that still meets everyone's needs and expectations and without over shooting your capacity.

Get a sense of your expectations and boundaries - what is it that you're hoping for from the triad? Is it a relationship that is fair to all individuals involved and takes into consideration their needs, wants, and expectations too? A good way of doing this can be to use the RA Smorgasbord to explore what you want out of the relationship as well as what the other individuals want too - How to use the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord

Communication - Work on your communication. Each of you might have a different preferred way of communicating, so think about how you all might navigate this.

Sometimes dynamics find it useful to have a set day of the week or month to do a check in with each other to see how things are going and if there's anything that's come up. Essentially communicate to each other about how you're going to communicate!

Remember that a decision between 2 of you can impact all of you - This comes under all of the above three points, but for example think about things like safe sex practices, having children, living arrangements, being out with friends, family, work, etc. do all of these things align between all three of you? If two of your are talking about having a child, does the third person in your relationship know about it?

I'm in no way saying that person A and B can't have privacy from person C in a way that works for their dynamic, but it's doing it in a way that still considers person C without excluding.

e.g. the dynamic between A and B might be a kink relationship. Person C might not be interested in this and doesn't want to share in that. Whilst the boundaries between all 3 individuals need to be explored, A and B can share this dynamic without C.

e.g. Equally it might be that person C doesn't want A to read any messages that are sent between themselves (C) and B. Privacy is important. But this doesn't then mean that C and B can exclude A from decisions via messaging.

Break ups - It can seem weird to think about breakups before a relationship has really begun. But an aspect of triads is what happens if one of you wants to break up with another? This can get really complex as it is so nuanced to the specific situation of those involved.

The unethical example would be couple's privilege where A and B were the established couple. A now wants to break up with C, and so both A and B break up with C, rather than it just being A breaking up with C. A type of all or nothing situation (You, me, her is quite a good programme to get an example of this without spoiling it tooooo much).

The more ethical approach is to judge the break up on what you feel as an individual and the situation which can lead to difficult dynamics going forward and may involve managing ruptures between new metas.

Emotional regulation - emotional regulation in relationships can be difficult at the best of times, let alone when managing multiple romantic/sexual relationships, platonic, and familial too. Jealousy is an emotion that can be perceived as demonised in the non-monogamy community, however it is a natural emotion. It can also be pressurised to feel compersion for your partners and metas too, which is a difficult place to be in. My stance, all emotions/feelings are telling us something (even if irrationally or untruthfully). Our job is to try and listen to the feeling, acknowledge it, take what we want/can from it, and then respond to it in a managed way. I write more on this here - The Compersion Trap in Non-Monogamy

Further Resources:

• My guide to non-monogamy -Beginners Guide to Non-Monogamy

• Polysecure book -https://scribepublications.co.uk/books/polysecure

• The Jealousy Workbook - https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9780937609637/the-jealousy-workbook

• A small selection of other non-monogamy books - https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/books/

• Multiamory podcast -https://www.multiamory.com/

• Making polyamory work podcast - https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/