How do I navigate polyamory?
Polyamory and non-monogamous relationships have become a bit of a buzzword in media lately, where it has been given a 'bad rep' too, but you might now be wondering am I polyamorous and how do I navigate polyamory? Hopefully this blog post will give you a start on exploring that!
What is Polyamory?
Let's clear up the terminology first. Non-monogamy means dating outside of an exclusive monogamous relationship (a couple/dyad). It can include all types of dynamics like open relationships, swinging, relationship anarchy, and polyamory.
Polyamory is then where someone is open to multiple romantic and committed relationships. These relationships can come in many forms and also have their own terminology too. I will put a glossary at the end!
Long and short: Polyamory is a non-monogamous dynamic. But being non-monogamous doesn't necessarily mean someone is polyamorous.
How do I know if I'm polyamorous?
There is some debate as to whether being polyamorous is a "lifestyle" or an orientation. Regardless, it is widely considered that even if you are single you can still be polyamorous - it is more about how you identify than anything.
With that in mind, how do you know if you are polyamorous? It's sometimes a tricky thing to figure out when monogamy is the "norm" in our Western society.
Some questions you might want to ask yourself on if you're considering polyamory:
Do I find myself being attracted to more than one person at a time?
Being attracted to more than one person is actually completely human and natural. Even if you're monogamous you might find yourself being attracted to people other than your partner.
Am I able to hold love for more than one person at the same time?
The love you have isn't finite. It might be different for each person in your life. And this can be true for romantic/sexual relationships too. Some people do find they only have intense romantic and sexual love for one person at a time, but others do find they can have this kind of love for more than one person at a time. I love the reframing of do you only love one of your children at a time? Or do you love them all in parallel but in different ways?
Do I feel able to have open and honest conversations around needs, expectations, and boundaries in my relationships?
This is something I would encourage for any relationship to be honest! But often individuals in non-monogamous dynamics will have more regular relationship check-ins with each other.
Am I open to having multiple relationships at the same time?
Consider your capacity and resources available to you. Do you feel able to manage, prioritise, and show up in multiple romantic/sexual relationships at the same time? Alongside any dependants, familial, friendships, responsibilities you may have too?
Not every relationship will have the same needs or expectations. So there is nuance with this (as with most things), but it's good to consider.
Do I view other people as autonomous beings?
For example, will you feel okay seeing your partner go out with someone else?
Being in a relationship with someone else doesn't mean we are allowed to control their actions with demands or rules. We can absolutely set boundaries of what we feel comfortable with, but it's then up to them if they meet those boundaries. Want to know more on what a boundary and rule are? Check out my Instagram post here.
Am I willing to do the internal emotional work that might come up from multiple relationships?
Are you prone to feeling jealous or envious of others? Do you feel able to recognise these uncomfortable emotions and look inwards as to where they're coming from without putting that on your partner to fix?
Being in multiple relationships will bring up different emotions. Sometimes it might be amazing, but other times it can be tricky and so it does involve working on your emotional regulation and insecurities too.
What does commitment look like to me?
Did you always imagine the relationship escalator of marriage, house, kids with one person? Or does commitment look different? Is it about the quantity time you share together? Or the quality of time shared together? Is it the length of time you share together?
Am I interested in polyamory for myself or because I feel I need to for someone else?
If YOU are polyamorous it should be for YOU. Not for anyone else. If you're curious alongside your partner, amazing. But attempting to be in multiple relationships because you feel you need to for someone else is a difficult and unfair situation for everyone involved. It's best to be honest from the start.
How do I navigate polyamory?
Understanding the stigma
A big misconception and stigma with polyamory is, "it's cheating with extra steps", which is far from the truth as cheating can also happen in polyamorous relationships. There's also some people who decide polyamory isn't for them and so break it off with their partner(s) (other than who they consider their primary partner) which can cause a lot of heartbreak all around. It is absolutely understandable to be curious and explore who you are, but I would encourage you to be open about that from the start so everyone can be on the same page with expectations.
If you're going into polyamorous relationships with the intention of actually finding "the one" to be exclusive with down the line, this is deceptive to anyone you're dating. Again, it's understandable to not know what you want. Maybe you do want multiple relationships right now and you're unsure of what the future looks like - that's okay - but again be honest about that with the people you're getting into relationships with. Of course this can happen the other way around too, so think about how you can manage rejection and look into self-care.
Read around about polyamory. About the ethical ways of practicing and about the unethical ways to avoid.
Think about how you're going to be with your relationships. For example, how open are you willing to be with those in your life? If you're not comfortable telling family or friends about being non-monogamous are you able to explain this to future partners, as it could mean them not being able to exist as your partner in certain areas of your life.
Dating apps
A big part of "modern" dating is through dating apps of which there are many different types now that cater to different relationship dynamics such as:
Kink friendly - there are more kink and BDSM friendly apps out nowadays where people can be more open about what they are looking for from the off (e.g. FetLife, KindD, Feeld).
Non-monogamy friendly - apps that allow you to choose ENM as an option for your profile rather than having to write it in, and some you can link your account to your partners too (e.g. Feeld, OKCupid, #Open, Lex).
Casual Sex apps - some apps are made specifically for those casual relationships if that's what people are looking for (e.g. Grindr, Down, HookUp, Wild).
Traditional apps - Of course there are still the more traditional apps that mostly cater to monogamous relationships but you are able to state in your profile your relationship type and what you're looking for (e.g. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge).
However, apps do have their downfall and can be quite toxic. So think about your boundaries and capacity for holding those boundaries too.
Alternatively, joining online communities and attending in person events can be an amazing way to meet other non-monogamous and polyamorous folx. This doesn't have to be with the intention to date as I would also encourage cultivating a support network of polyamorous people alongside any dating and partners you may have!
From Monogamy to Polyamory - Opening up your relationship
Unlearning monogamy is a big journey. I honestly feel like a lot of relationship dynamics could learn from each other!
So opening up a relationship from monogamy to polyamory can be a big decision and involve doing a lot of work before you even start to date other people. Learning how to feel secure with your partner being with other people in any capacity can be a big learning curve for a lot of people.
Even if you're not in a monogamous relationship to begin with, most of us do not even know non-monogamy exists as an option, nor is a valid one. I would argue that everyone who goes into a non-monogamous dynamic of some kind will have some unlearning of mono-normativity to do; whether it's the relationship escalator, what commitment looks like, what a successful relationship looks like, what control and possession looks like, what autonomy in a relationship looks like, roles in a relationship, privilege in relationships, etc.
Mono-polyam relationships
Most polyamorous people will end up dating other polyamorous or non-monogamous people as it feels more compatible, however, just because you're polyamorous doesn't mean your partner has to be and vice-versa.
Quite often when one person from a dyad/couple suggests opening up the relationship, the other person feels a pressure or obligation to also open up too, however this isn't always something that works. Not everyone is monogamous, just like not everyone is non-monogamous, but sometimes you find someone who you click with who wants a different way of being in a relationship to you. If you can both find a way to be comfortable in this dynamic, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! It still requires you to be open, honest, communicative, and safe with sex practices as any other relationship does. But also, if you don't want to be polyamorous or be with someone who is polyamorous, then maybe a non-monogamous element from either side isn't for you, and you need to consider if this is a relationship you can continue to be in. And vice-versa, of if your partner doesn't feel they can be with you if you're polyamorous, then you also need to consider if it's a relationship you can be in.
Relationship Check-ins
Even those who are in long term polyamorous relationships will still be navigating through them, as anyone in a relationship is coming into it with their own experiences, history, family narratives, and narratives from past relationships too.
Alongside this, we all grow, adapt, and change in different ways as we go through life. This impacts how we are in our relationships and how they look. This is also true for as polycules/constellations grow and change the dynamics we have within and around them will change too.
And so, having check-ins with your partner(s) is important no matter how long you've been together (and honestly whether you're monogamous or non-monogamous).
A check in might look like reassessing your wants, needs, boundaries and if anything's changed. It might also be looking at your goals and dreams as individuals and together. It might also be addressing any problems or grievances that have come up.
Hopefully this has given you a start to understanding and navigating polyamorous relationships. But if you'd like to read more please check out my other posts:
If you'd like a more in depth look into non-monogamy and further resources (like books, podcasts, websites, and communities) you can find my free 7 page download and my Beginners Guide to Non-monogamy here -
Useful Terminology:
Ambiamorous - Open/happy to either a polyamorous or monogamous dynamic.
Boundaries - guidelines that you put in place for yourself. Not rules for others to follow.
Cheating - breaking known agreements/boundaries of your relationship.
Cowboy/Cowgirl/Cowpoke - dating a polyamorous person with the intention to make them monogamous
Dyad - a relationship dynamic between 2 individuals.
Ethical non-monogamy (or consensual non-monogamy) - being open to relationships, sexual and/or romantic, with more than one person where everyone is informed and consenting.
Metamour (meta) - your partner's partner
Monogamish - Being monogamous majority of the time except for exceptions such as a threesome.
Mono/Polyam - a relationship where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous.
Parallel Polyam - where metas don't have a relationship with each other.
Polyamory (Polyam) - "Many Loves" - Being open to having multiple romantic relationships
Polycule - the relationship 'map' of individuals involved with each other and how they relate.
Relationship Anarchy (RA) - dating individuals where the relationship is defined by the individuals involved. Doesn't follow the societal norms around relationship expectations.
Solo Polyam - an individual open to multiple relationships whilst keeping their own individuality without following the relationship escalator timeline.
Swinging - having consensual sexual activity outside of an exclusive relationship where limitations have been discussed and agreed upon first.
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